My love is like a red red rose that's newly sprung in June...

I've been lied to, I've been deceived, I've been led on, I've been jilted, I've been teased, I've been the rebound.
But today, for the first time in my life,
I had my heart broken.

There is nothing I could have done differently. As with everything I do, I loved whole heartedly. I gave of myself without concern of running out, without worry of getting hurt.
I put everything I had into this relationship. Gave all of me to him.
I proved my loyalty repeatedly.

In return I received support, companionship, hugs, laughter, and a calming presence.

I thought I had received love as well.
But now I found out that I stopped receiving love because he stopped feeling it.

I was given no reason.
I was not told a time.
But I was lied to about being loved for months. Too weak to tell me, thinking he was making it easier on me, he only made it worse and brought to fruition my deepest fear and insecurity.

I've dealt with sadness and rejection more than I can count, and I thought that was hard. Now, I wish I felt like that. What I feel now is a physical pain. Nausea, shallow breathing, brain fog, and incessant tears producing a runny nose.

I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be in public with people.
I want endless movies, hot tea, pajamas, blankets, and a friend who knows how it feels.
Either that or a lobotomy.
I know a lobotomy is extreme, but we don't have those super cool memory erasers from MIB. That would be perfection.
What good is remembering the happy memories when I don't know where the love left him?

Then there's the part of me that doesn't believe him. The part that thinks he is making his life easier by pretending to not love me so he can go away and go through school and not deal with a long distance relationship or have to worry about upsetting me.

I don't want to sound cliche, but I don't want to go through this again.
We all know my trust issues.
Getting to know people is hard for me. But even harder is letting them know me.

And how long am I going to continue loving him? Apparently until the sea runs dry, which is unfortunate for me.

Fall preview

I'm in San Antonio, we've had a relatively mild summer, but for the past two weeks, I've been sweating my behind off (oh if only that were literal). But today, we woke up to a cool breeze and 64 degrees. And so I begin...

My friends have begun to call me a hipster, to my face. Apparently, they already thought it for a while. But if sitting on the porch of this trendy, overpriced bakery, sipping my simple coffee, and nibbling on my gluten free blueberry muffin incriminates me, then I plead guilty. This is an activity that makes my soul happy. Wherever I am, when that first cold front comes in after the rain and the sky is overcast with silvery blue, you can find me sipping a hot beverage on a patio of a coffee shop. Locations and drinks have changed...a laté at PJs in old Metairie, a hot mocha at Coffee Coffee in Lakeview, a chai late & orange cranberry muffin at Rue de la Course on Magazine, Starbucks in "anywhere USA" with a pumpkin spice late, a pumpkin scone, or a pumpkin muffin, and now Bakery Lorraine with my black coffee (and a tiny drop of the forbidden dairy) and my non AIP blueberry muffin...but the warm fuzzies, the browsing of the free local art/entertainment publication, and creative juices that begin to flow have stayed the same. So let me snap an artsy shot, add a filter, and post it to Instagram with 10 hashtags and embrace my inner, or not so inner, hipster.

This, is a good morning. I will be thankful for it, though I would have preferred to sleep in, then lounge on the couch catching up on last season's shows before this season begins, finishing up some organization of my studio, and hooking up an antenna to watch some college football. Alas, I am blessed to have a job that pays me to sing and in turn steals away my Saturday mornings. I've been starting my mornings by clicking on my table side lamp when my alarm goes off and reading a devotional. Then I pray a little bit while getting dressed. I'm pretty positive it has made all the difference and got me through these first 2 weeks of teaching. Today though, I can tell the tapering of the steroids, the stress of these past few days, and inability to rest properly is starting to take a toll and my HS in beginning to flare. My diet change will take a while before it is effective and it didn't quite mesh well with the steroid leaving my system. The perfect combo would have been to star the course of steroids along with the AIP so that by the time I tapered off, I would have been well into AIP and healing. But alas, I enjoyed myself in New Orleans and will rely on prayer to get me through this upcoming rough patch. That's all in His plan anyway, I'm sure.

Let me just pause and say how at peace I feel in this moment.
Chatting/greeting fellow customers, petting their canine companions, everyone just enjoying the morning, the weather, and the charming old house converted into a bakery. My time here is about to end, 20 minutes until rehearsal.

My father has been in the hospital since Tuesday. He went to the ER complaining that he could not breathe. He was diagnosed with really bad pneumonia then it sounded like the pneumonia was caused by a mild hear attack. Now he's at another hospital with talks of a stint and then aortal replacement surgery. This whole process has not been very clear. The doctors have been confusing and my parents have been overwhelmed.
Now my dad has finally asked his brother for prayers and my uncle has recruited the whole family. Because that's what we do. So when rehearsal ends, I suppose I will spend my early evening in church. Lighting candles, spending an hour in adoration, going to confession, attending mass, and handing out brochures for my adult group. So if you are the praying type, send some up for my dad.

Now, time to sing.
Hope this weather sticks around for a bit.

From Original Recipe to Extra Crispy....my journey to "Crunchy"

One Saturday during my 16th year, I was in horrible pain. I had quite a fever and an extremely painful lump at the top of my intergluteal clef. It was so bad that my mother decided to take me to the emergency room. As was my life, we didn't have a car and had to take the bus downtown. after what seemed like a million hours, I was finally seen by a doctor. They had to lance open this painful cyst and stuff it with gauze. I remember having to miss play practice because of it and getting into quite a lot of trouble for not being there. (maybe that should have served as my hint to start out of performance).

It could have been just a random cyst that popped up, as it healed and never came back. However, soon after this, i began to have horrible axillary pain and red lumps. After several doctors, one wanting to cut out my arm pit and another simply telling me to wash with Hibiclens, I found a dermatologist at Tulane who took one look at me and stated a ridiculously long foreign medical term. Hidradenitis Supperative. I then began alternating anitibiotics 3 months at a time. I honestly can't tell you if they worked or not. I don't remember much past being self conscious in the locker room and in sleeveless formal dresses. Luckily, I was also fat, poor, and hairy legged so I had a lot for people to be dicks about besides my random disease. And honestly, I don't think it caused me much grief at all. I was a busy girl with a lot of weird friends.

I'm sure there were bad days and pain but I only remember the last 7 years. I remember being dropped from my mom's insurance and struggling to pay for a derm in Monroe. When he eventually ran out of knowledge I sought out a private insurance policy and ventured back to Tulane. I would travel 4 hours to see this dermatologist. She had a game plan and we went straight down the list of known treatments. 

It just kept getting worse and worse.

Summer of 2011 I moved to Baton Rouge. This is when life as I knew it changed. This disease was no longer just a painful annoyance under my arm, it now ruled my entire existence. Previously I was an average 27 year old, going to grad school, trying to figure out my career, moving, giddy over a guy, and living with this weird thing called HS. After 2011, I was an HS sufferer trying to figure out how to get out of bed in the morning. 

Joint pains increased. I developed achilles tendinitis soon followed by erythema nodosum.

I was apparently a giant walking ball of inflammation.

I began a medicine, not yet approved for my condition, called Humira. It was ridiculously expensive. I had to give myself shots in my thigh. I felt pretty decent for a month or so until the super starter dose wore off. Then, by the summer of 12, I was so sick that i ended up in the hospital, twice, with an infection.

Since then, it has only progressed, making school and work extremely difficult. Most recently, I developed erythema nodosum for the 3rd time, and it turned into pyoderma gangrenosum. (which is basically a series of large disgusting ulcers on my shin) This prevented me from waking for a while but is now under control, though not healed, with steroids, ointments, and creams. 

Last week, I received some blood work results stating that I was showing positive signs of Rheumatoid Arthritis. Further blood work would need to be run to confirm it.

This news was a punch to my gut, though in no way surprising.

It was then that I decided I would have to take this claims of "healing" by diet seriously.

At age 29, recently single, one does not want to think of debilitating disease #3 coming in and stealing my un-lived life from me. Especially when I have already tried 3 major RA meds to no  avail. (And the only one left, I refuse to begin)

Autoimmune Protocol Paleo Diet

It has been developed specifically for people with autoimmune disorders to reduce the inflammation in the body by illuminating foods that can cause inflammation.

I've been off of gluten since March. I thought I noticed an improvement but I realized I was only feeling better because I was on steroids. 

So now I have to say goodbye to lots of things that make me tick.

Saying goodbye to pasta & bread isn't really that difficult in the long run, thins next step is gonna be torture. 

Goodbye to Nightshades....the honest worst of it all.

Nightshades include tomatoes, bell pepper, and cayenne.

Let me repeat

TOMATOES, BELL PEPPER, AND CAYENNE

I am from New Orleans. 

I don't know how to function without these things.

....at least I'll still have garlic and onions.... 

Also on my no eat list are white potatoes, legumes (no peanuts, no beans), grains, corn, sugar.

I suppose I can do this.

It will require a ton of time in the kitchen and a grocery budget that I don't have.

And all and all, these first steps only make me slightly crispy.

But I feel the change happening slowly.

Western medicine has failed me repeatedly.

I already use homeopathic treatments for colds, and have for years.
(i also can't remember the last time I was sick)

I started my essential oil collection.

I use acupuncture and Chinese herbs (when I'm not poor)

I use coconut oil to cook with frequently.

I'm soon going to attempt making ghee.

I dunno baby steps.

I'll start in September, until then, I'm focused on saying goodbye to my New Orleans cuisine. 

Oh that hurts my heart…

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle, Life is a maze, love is a riddle...

I've been trying to blog for weeks.
So many ups and downs, I can't even find a solid topic to write about without it turning into a vent.

I had a temp job at a church as an admin assistant, I loved it. I could even pay bills & save money. I met some really decent people, got to pray at work, and there was always free food.
But alas, they didn't want me to stay on permanently and hired someone else.

Every "good" job I applied for, I never could even get an interview.
But my roommate got me in touch with a friend who needed a new voice teacher and the next day I met him and got a job.
The kids seem great and I'm super excited.

My adult group at church is picking up membership and we had a great retreat. It was so nice to be a leader and it just makes me want to study theology more.

I ended my relationship with the person I still believe to be the love of my life. But I spent more time annoyed with him and nagging him to do things and that's not me. I rather be separate than turning into someone I'm not. I miss him every night when I want to talk before bed and every time I want to share a text during the day. It's over, but I still long for him to straighten up and be the man I know he is. But I'm not holding my breath. Passivity to certain situations that are the cause of ruining your life is not an easy thing to get rid of. And I'm not perfect but I deserve more than being an after thought, second place, or I'll get to you when I get to you.


I've continued to listen to a lot of Matthew Kelly and the following are notes I took on his book The Seven Levels of Intimacy. This book is probably why I finally had to guts to say goodbye. (Please ignore typos)
  "Life's about love. It's about who you love and who you hurt.  It's about how you love and hurt yourself. It's about how you love and hurt those people close to you. It's about how you love and hurt those people who just brush past your world on any given day. Life's about love and we know it instinctively but we get distracted."

1) Cliches - how's your day/what did you do?
We all use cliches from time to time to avoid intimacy
2) Facts - weather/food/games
We use the facts to avoid intimacy instead of to begin
3) Opinions - opinions are constantly changing, growing, evolving
We forget that when we meet someone with a different opinion.
We live in a hyper judgmental culture
Common purpose - to help one another become the best version of ourselves.
Love is not based on understanding
Love is based on acceptance
You reveal yourself to someone who accepts you
When we feel accepted we thrive
How can we best help them in that journey
4) Hopes & Dreams
If you have a relationship that's struggling this is the key
There's nothing more fulfilling than chasing down a dream, there's nothing more satisfying that helping someone else live a dream
Do you know what your dreams are? Did you get caught up in the hustle and bustle and stop dreaming along the way?
Which of your dreams got lost along the way because I was too preoccupied with mine?
5) Feelings -  knowing our feelings, being comfortable expressing our feelings, and expressing our feelings at the right time, in the right place, & to the right person
FALSE - If love is based on understanding then every feeling needs a reason - FALSE
Feelings are to be accepted not understood
6) fears, faults, & failures
We all have core fear "if ppl really knew us, they wouldn't love us"
Do you know the fears of ppl around you? Cuz it's affecting them
Intimacy is getting to the "why do ppl do what they do and say what they say" "nothing kills intimacy like fears. When we're afraid we won't reveal ourselves, we'll hide ourselves.
Faults - humility & vulnerability
Two key components missing in modern relationship.
"I have this fault, will you help me with that?" We spend most of the time arguing for our faults as of we deserve our faults or as if they're someone else's fault
Failure - make yourself vulnerable
when you reveal your humanity you give other people permission to be human
7) legitimate needs
God gave us legitimate needs as clues to happiness, clues to thriving
Physically - exercise regularly, eat right food, sleep well
Emotionally - focus and priority to relationships
Intellectually - read great books
We become the books we read
Spiritually - silence solitude scripture sacraments
We ignore our legitimate needs because we're in a culture consumed with wants...you go out and get what you want and you'll be happy - a failed philosophy, people are not happy
You can never get enough of what you really don't need
You can only ever get enough of what you need


I just had a great visit with one of my closest friends and her family. It was a truly blessed visit and it gave me lots of reflection time and hugs. It also gave me a push to start something I swore I would never do. The Paleo Diet...except, I'll be doing the Autoimmune Protocol Paleo.
I'm not happy or excited about it, but if I can eat like her then I don't feel like I'd be missing out on anything. Her food is always so delicious. Real food is better. Expensive though.
So I'm not sure how I'm gonna make a go at it yet. I'll have to finish off the food in my patry and eat bad things in NOLA but by september I should be able to phase into AIP.
My biggest reason for taking this leap is that I recieved bloodwork yesterday that shows that I probably have Reumatoid Arthritis. Much sense has been made now. And as I've tried all the big guns already, it's time to get a little more holistic. It definately won't land me in the hospital.  

So there's a short version of my roller-coaster.
I'll write about my crunchy factor in the next blog, once I get a full plan.

Call me asap

I wrote this yesterday after receiving some uncomfortable news that might result in my life changing  drastically. It also might be nothing by the end of the week.

"call me asap"

The unknown engulfs me like the incense from an over zealous thurifer.
It takes away my breath as I gasp for air and begin to drown in what-ifs.

My pleas from the previous night now seem meaningless; other concerns will leave questions unanswered and the mind restless.

Idle thoughts buzz around my head creating holes in my attention, making focus impossible.

The increasing frequency of these feelings, this unrest, doesn't match the happiness. The joy felt in the presence...

Which feeling is real?
Which feeling is a farce?
More confusion in trying to find answers. Confusion and chaos rule my mind and heart.



And then I met this nice lady who made everything better...
Till next time

Clarification

I just wanted to clear up my last blog. I don't want to edit it because I meant the things I said.
However, it was supposed to be a blog about how good life seemed to be going.
I had a GREAT week. It started  with a really productive day of cleaning followed by a sense of peace.  Then a job interview and a chill evening with my honey. The next day was a beautiful day outside as well as beautiful company. F and I woke up early and went to breakfast, we shopped, strolled around the shopping center killing time before a movie, had Mexican for lunch, then went plant shopping. I came home put dinner for me and a friend in the oven then planted my veggies and watched a soccer game. The next day I had a productive teaching day, was asked to start at my new job on monday, and  had dinner with the roommate on our deck. Friday was another great teaching day and also a productive shopping day. Saturday I hung out with my roommate and her parents and was taken on a celebratory dinner. I mean, what more could I ask for as a last week of freedom. I even got in lots  of practice time.
I've felt blessed and happy.
I've felt decent physically.
Yes I'm worried about my relationship.
Yes i'm nervous about my new job.
But I have so much to be grateful for.
So that last blog was just honestly about my insecurities, not complaining.


That is all

Turn Turn Turn....

I've had a pretty rocky few months health wise. All I can remember is how bad March was. And after all that I'm stuck with $1200 in bills for medicine that didn't work and quite possibly made me worse. So I've had this weird leg thing for months now and it just keeps getting worst. It inhibits me from walking a lot and  being really active because it swells up and hurts. But besides my leg, I've begun to realize that I'm doing fairly good right now. It's not super hard to get out of bed every morning. I'm not consistently without joint pains or HS flairs, but I'm definitely not consistently dealing with them either. If my leg were to ever heal I would feel somewhat normal. I've built up a tolerance for persistent pain so normal for me is probably not like the average person. It still takes effort to stand up, lift heavy things, to raise my arms, and I get stiff if I sit in the same position for too long. But I know that I'm doing a bit better because I have been so much worse. I'm also not relying on pain pills everyday.
Mentally however, I still have the sadness. I can get though 3/4 a day before I miss F. We just had a talk about things and all it did was make me feel stupid and like some needy idiot. I was never this person. (I dropped needy guys, they made me feel suffocated.) When we first started dating, he wanted to see me everyday. I would tell him that he didn't have to try, and he would say he knew, but he wanted to.
So it became a pattern. Being out of school with no steady job, he became my routine. My days went by and I knew he would be there at night for dinner and some TV.
I have been lost without this routine, my days have no structure besides walking and feeding the dog. Most of all "needing" him makes me feel so weak. Feeling weak makes me think he's sick of me. He used to tell me how happy I made him. Now all I do is nag, so he must love not having me around. I just don't understand how someone could be so busy that they can't call at the end of the day to chat. I don't understand why he doesn't see this is an issue. I feel like I share everything (willingly and when asked). My plans for the day, what happened at 12:05, a funny story, an annoying incident with the bus. But i don't know anything that happens in his life anymore. I guess it wouldn't be such a big deal if it hadn't changed, if originally he didn't tell me about his day and problems at work. He's supposed to be taking this management course, but I have no clue if he still is or not. They hired new employees which is something he would have told me in the past but when I joked about skipping work he mentioned it as his reason why he couldn't. I would never ask someone to skip work. All of these complaints make me feel like I'm crazy and possessive and I hate that. I rather be single than this needy person I've become.
I think if he had come around at a different time in my life I would not be so attached. But I got sick, I had no job, my friends disappeared and he was there, faithfully trying to make us work and loving me all the while. No one has ever shown such devotion to me besides my parents.
That is why things seem so barren now.
Luckily, somehow I have landed a job. On monday I start (as a temp) as an administrative assistant of children & student ministries at a church. That means a daily routine where I will hopefully be too busy to worry about F. I'm so happy to start this job so I can pay bills without worry. However, I'm so scared.
I haven't had an everyday job in 3 years. I haven't had to be reliable on a daily basis since I've gotten sick. What happens on mornings where I wake up and just am not feeling the best? My new motto will have to be "Grin & Bare It"
The idea of being useful, having purpose, and being able to start saving again is so appealing.
I remember my days of busyness where I accomplished more in one day than I currently accomplish in a week. My hope is that this job will bring that back to me, and not just tire me out. I pray for strength.

Everyone seems to be moving on to their next musical experience & marriage and babies while I'm heading to my secretarial career and wavering relationship...

These are my prayers for this upcoming "season"

Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens...3:6 A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.

Ephesians 5:17 Therefore, do not continue in ignorance, but try to understand what is the will of the Lord.

Patience is a Virtue

Welcome to The beginning of year #4 and blog #71. If you are a frequent reader, thank you for sharing my journey of ups and downs. And thank you for your prayers that I am sure accompanied me these three years.
                                                So, let's begin.

Wait for it.....


                        ok, ready?



                                                  Almost there......




                                                                                             just be....




                                                      PATIENT 



Every aspect of my  life currently requires me to be patient.
I'm waiting for some treatment to work.
I'm waiting for an appropriate job opportunity.
I'm waiting for good days to allow me to accomplish something.
I'm waiting for this weird thing on my leg to heal.
I'm waiting for the depression and loneliness to cease and desist.
I'm waiting for someone to get something important resolved.
I'm waiting for someone I love to find joy again.
I'm waiting for someone I love to find a love of self.
I'm waiting for someone I love to make an important life changing journey.
I'm waiting for someone I love to journey into parenthood.
I'm waiting for someone I love to remember our constant happiness.
I'm waiting for someone I love to come back to me.
I'm waiting for someone I love to find God again.
I'm waiting for affection.
I'm waiting to find my career path.
I'm waiting to become a wife.
I'm waiting to become a mother.
I'm waiting to feel like I've started living my life.
I'm waiting for the release of death.

I suppose everyone is always waiting. It is what we do as human beings. Unfortunately society has resisted waiting so much that everything is about instant gratification. With the births of instant grits and instant cameras came the era of instant sharing on social networks. I am a user of these things and am therefore also a victim of impatience. The longer I have to wait for things, the more I try to take things into my own hands. Because if I think I'm controlling everything then I'm less focused on waiting. The only problem that I've discovered besides the fact that I can't solve my problems on my own, is that the waiting is what it's all about.

Psalm 27 and Psalm 130 are just two examples of pleading and waiting for God. Moreover, they are examples of trusting that the wait will be well worth it.
Usually my hardest challenge is waiting for my health to improve, but lately, I've been waiting for someone to heal and dealing with the alone time I've been left with because of it. It is brutal. It is also teaching me things, though I don't pick the lessons up easily. I maybe have come to the realization that I have been filling in the emptiness with everything but God. I thought it was God, but as soon as I was left with tons of free time alone at home, this vast emptiness fell over me and engulfed me. It's like a scene from a movie where the flying bugs are so thick they form a cloud of darkness blocking out all light. It's the debris and rubble the takes over during a demolishing and when it finally clears, the building is no more. I feel like I am no more.

A few days ago, I picked up this little book from a friend, The Path of Waiting by Henri Nouwen. Every page makes so much sense and brings me so much comfort, but when I put the book down and realized I caught the wrong bus, I was thrown back into despair. And I'm not being figurative, I literally was on the wrong bus and wasted an hour, throwing off my entire day which climaxed with me getting rained on.Funny how when I reach out and try to heal myself, I get pulled further back. Not funny, it's the laws of nature, I step into the light and the darkness grabs be back. Now if only i could get my foothold in the light instead of in the darkness.

Besides impatience, I am plagued with uncertainty. The only reason I am impatience for most things is because I am uncertain. I supposed my uncertainty stems from lack of trust, because if I truly trusted, I would be patient. And hence we have come full circle and found the cause of my previous blog.
So since it is so hard to wait and trust that my wishes will come true, I will turn to hope.
Nouwen says:
"Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises and not just according to our wishes."

God has promised us all great things. Let us wait in the Lord, filled with hope.

I'm so lonesome I could cry

The blank television fills the room with a soft glow
The warm and fuzzy four legged companion makes himself at home on the sofa
Schubert plays quietly in the background, just audible over the hum of the air conditioning
I can still hear the doves cooing down the chimney before they bed for the night
I wait and think and hope for this tranquil scene to appeal to me.
I long for these quiet nights to bring me peace once more.

When I began this blog, I believe I spent a lot of time alone. And I also craved my alone times.
Whatever has taken over my life these past three years, has also made me into a very needy person.
I crave company. Even if the person is silent, their body in the room, their physical presence brings me comfort. My roommate is currently out of town in the African bush, my boyfriend is out of town at a convention, and my mother just left to go back to Louisiana today. I haven't been alone in weeks. I should be happy that I have some peace and quiet, yet all I do is try to find things to keep my occupied. This would be easy if my wii wasn't acting up and making it difficult for me to stream netflix and hulu. Also, I have this weird thing where I hate watching movies alone. I could read. I even bring a book around wherever I choose to sit, but I never open it. I feel like singing, or painting. but my jaw is killing me cuz I've been grinding my teeth at night and I'm supposed to be keeping my leg elevated. I feel like my muscles are atrophying over night. I'm not sure how much longer I had to be on this kind of rest but I'm going a little batty. You see, the thing is, I will have a thought and it would be nice to share the thought with someone. But no one is here, my bf barely texts me during the day so I try not to text him, it's not profound enough to waste my fb limit on, my SA friends rarely reply to my texts lately, and my other friends...I just chose not to bother.
So here I am, deciding to blog. I have nothing interesting to blog about though.
These woe is me sessions must get exhausting to read. I mean, I assume "you" that someone out there is cyber world is reading these pages. I know my friends don't really read...besides dearest Melissa, who gets me through hard times by reminding me that all I need is the love and company of God. He is enough.
I know He is, and I used to be comforted with that thought. But I am a touchy person, and sometimes I just need a hug.
ok this blog feels pointless and is putting me to sleep.
I need a new topic to write about before I return here.

Yesterday was a great Easter Sunday

Lent has come and gone. And like most things in my life, i failed, yet again. I began the first two weeks with sufficient alone time and trips to adoration. I was reading a guided devotional to help with my lenten journey. I really enjoyed the writing and the questions it made me ask myself. And then i just "got too busy." How do I consistently get too busy for God? I'm hurting, I have to move, I'm too exhausted, i haven't been able to sit alone, i have an injury on my leg, I have an appointment, I have all this music to learn, I have to work, I have to nap, I have to cook, I have to clean....the list is eternal yet none of the excuses should be so powerful as to come before prayer. But everyday they do. So now, Easter has arrived and instead of feeling joy, I feel shame and failure. He died for me and I can't even set aside 10 minutes a day to address Him, thank him, offer my difficulties of  the day to him.
What is wrong with me? Where are my priorities? I just don't know what I do with the hours of my life. I feel like i wake up and wait for my meals and bed time. Only to repeat the cycle the next day.
And when work day comes, I search for reasons not to go. BUT WHY!?! It's not like I get anything done when I'm home. I'm not having a good day today, but I don't understand why. Nothing bad has happened and I've relaxed with my mom. But i haven't accomplished anything so therefore my day is ruined. And now, it's going to take me two hours to get to my friend's recital, so there goes the rest of my day. I must be going though a bad mental patch. I notice the constant unhappiness for no reason.
I have a new beautiful town home. My mom is visiting. I have my dog. I am able to pay my bills.
But I am not happy. It can't all be because I'm worried about one thing, can it?
Maybe it wasn't the best time to blog.
I come back when my head is more level.

Enjoy the silence

Good Friday is supposed to be a day of reflection. Well, in my continued self absorbed attitude, I reflected on myself by reading old blog entries. I started in June. I guess I was curious to read them in order, one after the other to see how my life/attitude/friends/health all changed. I blogged a lot this summer to take up my newly found free time. This fall, my blogging was back to once a month. Lately I've been wanting to blog, but I don't want to complain about my illness anymore. I want to write about how happy and how frustrated my boyfriend makes me but I don't want this to be my love life memoirs. So I just don't write.

But here we go, it's all I got.

I started visiting an acupuncturist. It's all very crunchy to me. But still worth a try. She told me I would probably not see results right away since I've been sick for so long and my body is probably blocking good energy from flowing. The tiny needles don't really hurt. Sometimes it caused an electric shooting pain but it fades almost immediately. And my second two visits allowed me to relax and sleep. 

She spoke to another practitioner who posted a study about an HS patient who made remarkable progress with oral & topical herbs. So next week, she should have something new for me to try. I'm very encouraged by this news and hope it will give me some relief.

But this habit is expensive :(  

I really want my bf to read my blog now, he's been banned from it and never even shown a blog. No one can say I don't learn from my pass...but now I'm ready for him to read my crazy. He already knows it intimately, but there's just  something about reading someone's intimate thoughts, it's raw and documented. But we are having problems right now. I love him more than I have ever loved another person romantically. And he tells me he loves me. But still we're going through a rough patch. Somedays, I want to give up on him. I feel like his workaholic nature is not just situational. I feel like it is him, and it will be like that no matter what. Then I put the cart before the horse and think of how horrible it would be for my kids to have a daddy that used all his time to work and was so exhausted when he came home that he ate dinner and fell sleep. And honestly, I won't have that. So my irrational mind wants to just break-up to save me on later heartache. But the thought of life without him at all is so bleak. So I moved on to thinking we needed a break. Time to ourselves where we could be selfish and not have to consider the other person's feelings. I supposed I feel like he already does this. Then I talk myself into it being a great idea because we don't share common interests besides loving each other. I remind myself of his favorite verse "love never fails" And whenever I'm ready to throw in the towel, he does something sweet or thoughtful and I retreat.

All those friends I spoke about this summer, they all disappeared. I never hear from them. So things are pretty lonely around here. I need to enjoy the silence. My roommate leaves for Africa on Monday. My mom leaves a week later. I guess after they're both gone, the only place I will go is work. And I'll be here alone everyday.

Sounds sad & pathetic don't it?

It is...

Tomorrow I will talk about lent 2014.

Insomnia and confusion and butterflies and love

It seems a distant memory
Though not so long ago
Your fire was impetuous & intoxicating
Yet sincere and unguarded
I was blissfully enraptured,
Requiring someone to pinch me awake.

I received my ill wish...
Quite suddenly the flames died and my eyes opened
I nursed the embers with my breath
But they ignored my efforts
I grasped the hot ashes just to feel something
Soon dark coldness engulfed me

My hands, though scarred and burned
Remain the only reminder of your soft and certain lips
The darkness, the antithesis of you bright curious eyes
The coldness, a drastic change from your warm embrace
I'm only soothed by your constant smile
Opposites consume my questioning mind

Compromise. Understanding. Confusion.
Do I want too much from you?
You ask for my patience
I simply ask for your kiss
This stalemate is as cold as marble chess pieces
And in this battle we both loose

Days really do go by...

Lots of thing happen very quickly yet more time passes than you realize.
In early February, I began selling Arbonne. Their moto is pure, safe, and beneficial. Their skin and body products stress the importance of botanicals. Their nutrition products are focused on all natural ingredients that are gluten free and vegan friendly. Two and a half weeks ago, after I went to bed the night of my first launch party, I woke up around 2am to noise being made by neighbors. Long story short, my apartment building was on fire. The next 3 hours were spent watching the units I share a wall with burn to nothingness. We were safe, the pup was safe, and we did not get flames.
However, the smoke damage was horrid. As my lease was up on the 28th and there were only 1 bedroom apts left in the complex, I was essentially homeless.
Xander and I stayed with my boyfriend for two weeks while I tried to find him a foster home and clear out my apartment.
Thankfully, I had insurance so I did not have to do everything, but it was stressful enough. I also just haven't been well lately. So I am in pain, have no energy, but I'm spending my days sorting through a soot filled apartment and riding around the city looking for a house.

I am tired.

Now I am staying with a friend, Xander is being cared for by a former school mate, and I still haven't had time to rest.

Today is Ash Wednesday
I would like to not complain but I haven't won that battle today.
To kick off my getting healthier and Lent, I began a 28 day cleanse. It's Arbonne's product. Nutritional protein shakes combined with "clean" foods will make up the rest of my month. I'm also going to start lifting with the bf. Hopefully, by february, I might start to feel a bit better.

I have thought a lot about what I want to give up for lent. I don't want to do the shallow junk food offering.
But I have decided this detox will be a part of my lenten sacrifice, because that way, I'll actually follow it. And after the 28 days, I'd like to continue a healthy food lifestyle.

My goals this lent include daily prayer, and keeping a list of 3 things I am thankful for everyday.
I will completely eradicate any cursing from my vocabulary.
I have deleted my fb app. Because I have a business and other commitments through this social site, I will however allow myself to use a computer to access it.
I don't currently have internet access so that isn't as easy as you think. The time i would have wasted staring at my phone, I hope to use in prayer.
I want to do a weekly Bible study with Francisco, though I doubt that will happen.
I would also like to attend adoration and stations of the cross once a week.
I think I could do one more thing without being overwhelmed but for now, these are my plans.
So wish me well, I love Lent.
It's time to get back to the basics and start from scratch. Time to remake ourselves.

What will you be doing or giving up for Lent?

Overdue musings

I'm laying on my sofa here, scrolling through fb while my four-legged buddy nuzzles up close to me. It's a chilly day outside and my first day to sleep in since last Wednesday. It came to mind, that I don't really blog as much as I used to. So I started to think back and figure out why. I have more time now than I've had in 3 years so I know I'm not too busy. Therefore, it can only be one thing, I'm boring. Nothing much is happening in my life right now. Every day is much like the one before...and I have no problem with that. I rarely see the large group of people I used to call my friends. They've even stopped inviting me to things. This past weekend was a big one, I went to the opera, then for late night tacos, then on sunday watched the superbowl at a friends house. Yeah, by monday I was exhausted. Sounds kind of sad, especially when i think back on how filled my every day used to be. I know I would never be able to handle it again. That realization has slowly been creeping in. The realizations that I like being boring, I like having only small options on my plate, I like not being pulled in 5 directions.....kind if scare me because it seems so foreign to who I am, who I have been. 

I'm been thinking about different careers. It is sealed in fate that I hate teaching high school kids voice lessons. But now I'm wondering if teaching younger kids  or even HS kinds in a classroom setting is something I could do. The subject would most definitely not be music, and I could never be a choir director. So lately, I've been tossing the idea of being a religion teacher around. But I'm not sure if the expense and stress of more school is in my future. I really need to get this debt in check, and I am trying. I also am not done with music, I'm just trying to figure out a way to make the preverbal ends meet.

I always ask God for signs and one of my favorite verses is my prayer to God for guidance...Psalm 25: 4-5. I recently made a picture of this and hung it in my apartment as a daily reminder that my path, my way in the world, is not all about ME ME ME, and that I have to trust that the direction and guidance of God is what will lead me to the right place. 

So when extra jobs seem too hard to get and keep and current jobs shrink up, I try to open up my mind. What am I supposed to be doing. Or what will God help me with right now in order to achieve what he wants. But I don't dwell, just open up my mind. This thinking has lead me to a work at home business option. There are tons of network marketing companies out there and on top of that Avon, mary k, sentsy, tupperware...ect. You never think it will change your life and usually you feel like you'll fail or only support your habit. However, I have decided to sell Arbonne. The people doing well are real people. A girl I went to High School with has 2 former roommates who are using Arbonne as their income. Everything about it seemed to be Christian and I soon learned that the higher ups in my line were all Enthusiastic Christ followers. With prayer being thrown around constantly, I feel like no bad can come from it. As long as I believe that God is gonna help me through these financial difficulties and work hard and not be lazy, I think I can do this. 

I'm motivated and excited and scared to death all at the same time. But I will contacting people today. I am ready. Please pray for me.

Auditioning

Hello blog,

Time for a topic that this blog was originally intended for: Auditioning. 

2013 is my first audition season. I'm quite the cliche as well. Just graduated, teaching, singing at a church, and spending my entire earnings on application fees and traveling, unfortunately, my season has not been fruitful. I was not able to afford YAP tracker, I was sick for a month and unable to make recordings, I have 3 songs worth of muscle tension and no voice teacher to help me....ect. The uplifting part was that the two auditions offered to me were given within a week of applying. That reassures me about my resume and talent level. I feel like if I would have been able to apply to more programs then I would have been offered more auditions. Auditions season is nearly over as it is December, but I may still be able to find some small opportunities. It'll just take commitment to searching and making a recording. 

So, let's talk about my last 24 hours.

I was offered an audition for the Tulsa Opera Studio Artists Program. It is a perfect job for me. Close to Texas, close to Louisiana. And in the same city as one of my dear friends. 

I planed to leave late Thursday night by bus so I'll be able to have lunch with my friend on Friday and have a good night's sleep before my audition on Saturday. 

Bus was canceled till 2pm friday due to weather :-/ thanks winter storm Cleon

Catch bus on friday, finally make it to Dallas, after tons of traffic on the interstate due to ice and accidents, only to find out that the station was shutting down. All busses out of Dallas were cancelled. The station was packed. 200-300 people sitting & standing anywhere they could. They were in for the night.

There was no way I could stay in that bus station all night. I found a near by hotel for $97, that was both the cheapest and the closest.

So I decided to walk to the hotel. Bad idea.

My Clarks, though sensible and warm, have no traction. The sidewalks were iced over, not slush, not snow, but slippery ice. The handle of my carry on bag had already broken before I left San Antonio and now the contents of my bag fell out onto the downtown Dallas street where card were coming in the distance.

And it was so sold. My peacoat was packed away in my luggage and my hands were icy but i needed my phone for directions.

I finally made it the short though dangerous distance to my hotel and checked in for the night. I decided to go home on a megabus in the morning because i didn't think I'd make it to Tulsa before 5:30 and I didn't want to get stuck in Tulsa. So i slept in, got my free breakfast repacked without a carry on and went to the lobby to check out and call a cab.

Nope

3 hour delay on cabs and the phones were busy. It was 11, but bus was scheduled to leave at 12:10. So I asked about busses but she suggested a train.

I almost fell outside the hotel door, which made me want to cry. How was I gonna get to this bus pickup two miles away in the ice?

So I find a bus stop a couple blocks away and hope I picked a running line. It shows up within 5 minutes and cost $250...i had &1.88...he let me on the bus probably cuz I looks ridiculously sad. The bus stopped in the same parking lot as the Megabus and the rest was smooth sailing. 

But here's for an early end to my audition season. Maybe it's not in the cards for me.