Turn Turn Turn....

I've had a pretty rocky few months health wise. All I can remember is how bad March was. And after all that I'm stuck with $1200 in bills for medicine that didn't work and quite possibly made me worse. So I've had this weird leg thing for months now and it just keeps getting worst. It inhibits me from walking a lot and  being really active because it swells up and hurts. But besides my leg, I've begun to realize that I'm doing fairly good right now. It's not super hard to get out of bed every morning. I'm not consistently without joint pains or HS flairs, but I'm definitely not consistently dealing with them either. If my leg were to ever heal I would feel somewhat normal. I've built up a tolerance for persistent pain so normal for me is probably not like the average person. It still takes effort to stand up, lift heavy things, to raise my arms, and I get stiff if I sit in the same position for too long. But I know that I'm doing a bit better because I have been so much worse. I'm also not relying on pain pills everyday.
Mentally however, I still have the sadness. I can get though 3/4 a day before I miss F. We just had a talk about things and all it did was make me feel stupid and like some needy idiot. I was never this person. (I dropped needy guys, they made me feel suffocated.) When we first started dating, he wanted to see me everyday. I would tell him that he didn't have to try, and he would say he knew, but he wanted to.
So it became a pattern. Being out of school with no steady job, he became my routine. My days went by and I knew he would be there at night for dinner and some TV.
I have been lost without this routine, my days have no structure besides walking and feeding the dog. Most of all "needing" him makes me feel so weak. Feeling weak makes me think he's sick of me. He used to tell me how happy I made him. Now all I do is nag, so he must love not having me around. I just don't understand how someone could be so busy that they can't call at the end of the day to chat. I don't understand why he doesn't see this is an issue. I feel like I share everything (willingly and when asked). My plans for the day, what happened at 12:05, a funny story, an annoying incident with the bus. But i don't know anything that happens in his life anymore. I guess it wouldn't be such a big deal if it hadn't changed, if originally he didn't tell me about his day and problems at work. He's supposed to be taking this management course, but I have no clue if he still is or not. They hired new employees which is something he would have told me in the past but when I joked about skipping work he mentioned it as his reason why he couldn't. I would never ask someone to skip work. All of these complaints make me feel like I'm crazy and possessive and I hate that. I rather be single than this needy person I've become.
I think if he had come around at a different time in my life I would not be so attached. But I got sick, I had no job, my friends disappeared and he was there, faithfully trying to make us work and loving me all the while. No one has ever shown such devotion to me besides my parents.
That is why things seem so barren now.
Luckily, somehow I have landed a job. On monday I start (as a temp) as an administrative assistant of children & student ministries at a church. That means a daily routine where I will hopefully be too busy to worry about F. I'm so happy to start this job so I can pay bills without worry. However, I'm so scared.
I haven't had an everyday job in 3 years. I haven't had to be reliable on a daily basis since I've gotten sick. What happens on mornings where I wake up and just am not feeling the best? My new motto will have to be "Grin & Bare It"
The idea of being useful, having purpose, and being able to start saving again is so appealing.
I remember my days of busyness where I accomplished more in one day than I currently accomplish in a week. My hope is that this job will bring that back to me, and not just tire me out. I pray for strength.

Everyone seems to be moving on to their next musical experience & marriage and babies while I'm heading to my secretarial career and wavering relationship...

These are my prayers for this upcoming "season"

Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens...3:6 A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.

Ephesians 5:17 Therefore, do not continue in ignorance, but try to understand what is the will of the Lord.