Confidence

Confidence

This characteristic is lacking in many people. We all need it in order to be believed, to be trusted, to be efficient...it's a necessity.

As a musician, a singer, a performer, I need as much confidence in myself as a salesman has in his product. When I was young, I remember doing anything I wanted. I was dancing, singing, dressing up in play clothes and at age five writing love notes to my dance teacher's 7yr old son. I wouldn't shut up and got bad conduct marks, I hit my cousin when she upset me, and danced in the street with the Casa Samba during Mardi Gras.

Somehow my very confident nature was beat out of me before my adolescence.

Middle School was hell for this fat, ugly, hairy legged, poor girl. I had bad hair, bad clothes (even though I wore a uniform) and bad grades. I had a decent voice but not a pretty as a fee of my "friends"

I was an outcast, friending the nerds and goths, sitting on the edge of the blacktop by our oak tree during recess. I was one of maybe 4 middle school students to join the choir. If the choir had been big, I may not be a musician today. I received special attention, and because our age messed up the choir from competing, we were basically used for Mass and cantoring. Louis Hackett may never know how he influenced my life, and whenever I happen to see him playing at a random church in Metairie, I never have the guts to tell him. I was able to audition acapella with a Jewel song (it was the 90s folks) for the 8th grade musical and I got one of the best parts in the play. But still, i was self conscious.

High School was not nearly as bad. I found a lot more outcasts and the chill people who are generally liked by all and grow up to be the REALLY cool people. (I see them living their lives on fb! And we occasionally meet up for coffee or food...cool as shit) I was in tons of clubs, always ran for student council, auditioned for plays & talent shows, I was active and everyone at least knew me...well...my name was Madonna...

Unfortunately, I did not shine at music, or art, or theater, or academics...

During high school I attended a creative arts school for creative writing. This place, this is where I felt at home. To this day, if I walk on campus I am immediately transported to that special feeling I had to be there with all of these right brained individuals. Even though music didn't accept me, I was able to express myself in writing and forced to read it to the class. If that doesn't help your shyness or confidence, I don't know what will.

My last year there I was finally in the music program. A senior in HS getting her first voice lessons? I was a good singer but definitely late in life to have decided to study music instead of applying to LSU for pre-vet. But here I had confidence (except on music theory because they had me in counterpoint when I couldn't even spell a freaking chord).

I put that theory comment in parenthesis but it's rather important. I had to take a theory placement test as a part of my audition for Loyola. (yep, I dream big only...f$*# UNO...where I probably would have been accepted)

This test was timed and I didn't know what the hell I was doing, like at all. So between f-ing that up as well as my audition (why did I sing Bist du bei mir? I didn't have a B! Nor could I speak german...idiot) I didn't get in.

And so continued the blows to my minuscule ego.

These continued, I finally did get into Loyola but was sooooooooooooo scared to start...Katrina saw to it that I didn't go to my dream school...

I had no confidence, where did it all go?

Slowly, I began to improve and realize that I was kinda a big deal (LMAO!!! No, just joking) and began to gain confidence in my voice but I was not at all confident in my appearance. My acting suffered and I was awful on stage, afraid to move, to show emotion though I felt it all very strongly inside my gut.

(Pausing to realize my audience knows everything about me already, why am I writing this!?)

By the time I finished my 5 year bachelor degree, I was fit to audition to colleges for a BACHELOR degree. No lie, I was so behind.

But I stayed there for my masters and after just a semester I started becoming the singer I am today. I blame it of course on my voice teacher but mostly on discovering pedagogy. She spoke and everything clicked. After a year I was no where near the singer i was for my senior recital and I wanted to perform. (It's all I EVER wanted from day one) Just as I started to believe I was special and not run of the mill, I was rejected from every post graduate program I applied for. I was only accepted at UTSA for a masters program in performance and pedagogy.

Honestly, everything has been better since I've been here. I am a better singer. I am a better performer. I understand how everything works. I feel like I can take a voice and fix it, sanding down the flaws, bringing out the uniqueness. But when it comes to be putting a foot into the professional world, I get all frozen.

I recently took on a position as section leader in a church choir. We are transitioning me in to the choir and the sop. I'm replacing out. Today she got up and took over the rehearsal because it needed to be done and I was instantly intimidated.

How am I gonna fill those big shoes?

Every confidence I have in liturgical music was put to the test. I began to doubt myself, my work as a cantor for half of my twenties, my long lost desire to be a full time music minister and have a degree in sacred music.

I'm just scared. I don't like doing things that I'm not gonna do well.

Which is dumb cuz no one is perfect.

I've even applied for an assistant director  position. I can't keep a pattern to save my life let alone multi task a choir. Here I am, all educated and proud of myself and wanting to work in a music field but too scared of what will happen if I'm not amazing.

So, yeah, confidence...thought I had it in abundance but when put to the test I'm no better than a self conscious pre-teen. My conceited nature must be a front.

In non related aspects of my life, I have recently taken to my long lost love of writing creatively. I haven't wrote a poem in like a year. I posted it on here months after I wrote it cuz the subject of it was one of my readers. Here again, the subject of my poem is an occasional reader. So I hesitate to share it but I really feel like my blog may be a safe place again. Seriously, why did these 2 ppl read my blog? I'm not very interesting and my humor is only funny if you know me really well.

So any way, here it is, a little bit of myself. I hate that I had these feelings. It makes me feel stupid. Like I fell for a prank or let someone fool me. I feel like I was in middle school again getting made fun of and not realizing it until it was too late.  But now that I have expressed myself, I've been feeling better. Can't walk around with all this angst inside of you. So, here it is, a little melodrama but seriously how I feel:

I've never thought of myself as emotionally weak

I'm strong willed and kind of stubborn, so to speak

But your laugh, your smile, your arms wrapped around me so tight

Your strong body, your fierce kiss, it all felt so right

All I needed was a friend who knew the workings of my mind

Someone who'd get my frailty and fire and help me unwind

But the connection seemed too strong and the liquor flowed too fast

And with days of separation, fresher faces and sobriety, it couldn't last

I saw all the signs, analyzed them and every word

My friends too watched, listened and questioned what they heard

I was warned to be careful and tried not to invest my heart

But I wasn't the one pushing it further, you said you wanted to start

So scared of being burned, I never believed your speech

I pined over my cynical nature and wondered why trust was so out of reach

Then one day it happened, your monologue seemed so heartfelt and true

There's no way I could continue not trusting, this feeling was so new.

But as my luck runs foul in every aspect of life

Just as I accepted your words, you brought up your strife

The issue I feared since I felt that first spark

You claimed it was too soon and my world went dark

I was calm, I didn't cry because I knew it all along

It was all too fast, felt too perfect, it had to be wrong

Yet as smart as I am my emotions ran a muck

And with every perfect song lyric I felt like i was hit by a truck

I was so dumb to be so upset, you were never really mine

Except for one drunken night I'd like to erase from my mind

So tell me why I'm so stuck on your mediocre face

I truthfully wasn't impressed by it in the first place

I know with my my whole heart and soul that you are poison to me

If only i had listened to my friends early, these feelings wouldn't be

And now I've "moved on" or so I would like to believe

But you're still in the back of my mind  like an inception I'm waiting to conceive

If only I could hate you, deep down I know you lied

I was just too intense for you, why not be truthful and swallow your pride

I've found someone who appreciates that i know what I seek

He dotes on me and buys me flowers after only a week

When I think of him I can't help but smile

He knows what he wants, he's ready for it, and I like his style

I've never felt so beautiful than when he looks at me with his smiling eyes

He's no where near perfect but when I spend the day with him time flies

I wrote this rhyming prose as an ode to forget your good parts

I need more space in my mind and heart for this new start

I know several reasons make it hard to erase you from my memory

But the sooner your face and body are gone, the happier I'll be.

So it's time to delete the "Victor" playlist and make one filled with happy songs like Tyrone Wells "happy as the sun" and Blood Sweat & Tears "you've made me so very happy" cuz I'm a big hopeless romantic cheeseball like that and luckily so is he. :)

These are the days of my life

Kind of a weird blog…Disjunct cuz I wrote a little bit ever couple days this week. Also...I used lots of incomplete phrases instead of sentences...maybe it's symbolic of something...nerd 

Wake up, get out of bed 

Walk to couch where Xander curls up next to me, resting his head on my leg and we snooze. 

Get up, attempt to clean kitchen but pour a bowl of cereal instead and have a staring contest with X while he eyes the milk dripping from my spoon....

Unemployment sucks.

What's even worst than not having anything to do and no money, is not feeling well enough to do anything.

I've been thinking about starting a HS blog, something more daily where I can vent and talk about all the treatments I've tried. Maybe some other sufferers will find it and we can commiserate or help each other.

I mean, I'm getting more comfortable about being open but it's hard to talk about.

This week I'm working a choir camp.

Should be simple, I thought.

Unfortunately, the days are so long and I'm stuck in the same clothes for 15 hours. I had to change for different activities 3 times yesterday but I forgot to bring extra bandages.

When I finally go to bed, I can only get 5 hours of sleep, though I can barely sleep. When I wake up, I'm as stiff as a board and every inch of me hurts.

My job required me to reach a lot which is better than the other counselors who had to play games and such, but it was still difficult at times.

I applied for disability in april/may because I want to try some treatments or surgery, I wouldn't be able to work during my healing process and I can just start a job and take leave. So i decided for my betterment and alleviated stress level, this was the way to go. I doubt I'll get it. My case is weird but I want to try it. So today I finally had my first examination. It was more of a discussion and a can you walk, touch your toes...ect...

Then he actually looked at me but he doesn't know much about my issue. He said so. He also said he'd try to build me a case. I froze up in there. I couldn't effectively talk about how it interfered with my everyday life. Stupid. I'm sure I blew my chances. One more exam on the 12th, psych. 

Today was a very nice morning. It was half overcast, looked like rain, and breezy. I enjoyed my walk to the bus and around the doctor's office.

Then it got hot & sunny.

So I'm trying to get to the DMV cuz my license expired 2 days ago. Can't figure out which bus, and where to catch it, then realize that I don't have cash for the DMV or change to catch the bus. While this is happening, this 40/50 yr old Mexican man walked up to me speaking Spanish, I say I don't speak it and brush him off. But no, he starts speaking broken English to me. Next thing I know, he's telling me that Market Square has lots of good jobs that pay cash and $9/hour. Then he says I'm "muy bonita" and have nice hair and face and ect... I think I'm almost done with him but next he says "you eat? We can find food here. I'm hungry, you should eat, we can get tuna"

... 

Yep, I sure can attract them with my messy bun, sweaty face, and fat ass.

I gave up, had lunch with a friend and caught the bus back home.

But I'm trying not to be depressed even though  I only have $6 to my name....yep, that's all

And here's some updates, since this has turned into a blog about my dating life...

I have a date tonight with a sweet guy who seems just as silly as me.

Classic: dinner and a movie...though it might change to late night bowling and pizza...how wonderfully cliche.

(Whoa, just realized, I have a date on a friday night...how mainstream of me)

I'm cynical so I figure I'll find his dark spot soon. (I'm actually super excited and kinda nervous, which is new)

We talked on the phone for two hours last night about nothing and there were no awkward pauses at all so should be a chatty night of me getting burned about playing D&D.

If you were wondering, I didn't have to pick Victor or Charlie, they both dropped me...that was fun

I guess the stupid dating keeps my mind off of the serious things, makes me feel a little more normal. Rejection, I guess, is less painful and more normal that feeling like an 80 yr old and not being able to keep up the same social life your friends do.

I deactivated my accounts though, I'm kinda over it. Maybe it's time to face my issues again. Time to buck up and try new treatments. change my diet again, something less drastic so it's not so stressful and expensive. I'm thinking a diabetic diet to get rid of excess sugar. I've read that these types of things feed on sugar. Can do much of anything though, if I can't buy groceries....

And right now, I'm finishing this blog while the piano is being played and my roommate is singing.

This is so nice.

Life ain't so bad

                                                       

So it looks like we've come full circle,

And these are the days of my life.....