Today, for example, I had an uneasy felling about situations and felt like pushing everyone away. I sat and wrote about it and as I read the words I penned, I was calmed by scripture popping into my head. The entry ended with my one of my favorite verses and a prayer from me. And then, I wasn't worried anymore, It also just feels so good to write. The feel of a pen with smooth, flowing gel ink onto a thick piece of paper is so nostalgic to me. It reminds me of my days as a wanna be poet and getting accepted into our arts high school NOCCA for the summer program in creative writing. I did it two summers in a row, although I really longed to be accepted into the music program. As usual, God knows whats up. Some of my most peaceful serene memories stem from sitting at a table in the brick walled corner of the converted warehouse, looking out the window at the beautiful abandoned church Holy Trinity. I had so many memories of going to that church with my parents when I was a kid that seeing it sit there in ruins saddened me. That pretty steeple was the inspiration behind several of those journal entries, I still have that dark blue marble journal that was given to us the first day of class...one of the few things I haphazardly saved before the storm. When I get the urge to open it up and read my entries, I remember why I was accepted. Teenage angst didn't show up much in my personality but in my writing I let all my inhibitions go. I was intense, silly, ambitious, and hopelessly naive. And as usual I am completely off topic. This is why I studied music and not creative writing in college. A closet extrovert, I can still feel and let the true self that I hide come out when I'm on stage. That's why I have this. The whole reason my blog has entered my mind today is because I found a poem I wrote in Nov 2013 the draft section of my gmail. It was really good. I was going to post it but as I scrolled through my documented memories, I see that I already have.
My journal entries from yesterday and today, along with the poem I found made me miss writing down my thoughts, Often when I go back and read things months, years later, I find my former self ridiculously doe eyed and annoying. I wonder to myself, "why did I care," or "why didn't I know better," or mostly "damn, I complain a lot." Today I relived several moments, some made me giggle and some almost brought tears to my eyes, but they're there. I can relive the good moments along with the bad whenever I want to. And more importantly, It brought me back here to just let the brain flow as my finger type. I had forgotten how that felt as I got bogged down in updating my tiny audience with my insignificant life changes. I thought "I started this blog to write about my singing" when in reality I started this blog to document where God was leading me, and as of yet, He hasn't led me to the stage. But He has given me amazing friends who love to serve Him with the gift of music that he has given us. I've made bonds for life, helped revive a ministry, and am learning all over again who I am supposed to rely on. And that is what I am supposed to write about, run-on sentences and all (I hope they don't hurt you too much Mel).
I noticed that my first mention of being a religion teacher came to me in February of last year...almost a year has passed and I've done nothing about it. I did however begin teaching CCD, and I kind of love it. The words of my high school principal, Sr. Camille Ann, come to mind: "Now is the time, to live, to learn, and to love." I've spend the past year living, learning and loving, but there is always more to learn, more people to love, and much more life to live than I am living. I am surviving and using my degree and falling in love with my sweet voiced students, but I need to make my next step in life. Slowly but surely I am able to wake up in the mornings ad not want to go back to bed. 75% of the time I remember to thank God for what He is already doing in my life, my "prayer of faith" as my spiritual adviser calls it. So now is the time, what's next, where am I living in 2 months, where am I living in 6 months, when the falls comes, will I still be teaching high school kids for pennies and worried about paying my loans?
I guess a simple phone call to the archdiocese tomorrow to see what I need to do to be a teacher will be step one. Who knows, it might take another year of voice lessons while I get prepared to teach elementary school religion, or I might be doing something else entirely. Either way, I'll be here, making spelling mistakes, gramatical errors, run-on sentences and writing about nothing at all and everything at the same time.
