Instead of crying, I decided to write what I was feeling

Last year around this time I was extremely sick. In constant pain, unable to move around as I would like, running fevers off and on. Giving myself weekly shots hoping the medicine would help when it actually made me sicker.

One friday during stations of the cross I started crying and couldn't stop. I felt so bad that day but still got up and caught the bus downtown to go to mass & stations. After it ended i called my mom and cried on the phone to her in front of the Alamo. She said she would fly down to be with me. 

Last year would have been my first Easter alone, but since my mom came, we were able to go to all the Holy Week services together, including a live walking stations of the cross and Easter Vigil at a beautiful basilica. Easter Vigil is my favorite Mass of the year. Everything is new, fresh, clean, beautiful. 

This year, I am not healed nor is my condition under control but I am so much better than last year. I still need the help of pain meds but not nearly as often. I am happier (well kind of), I just feel so much better. 

I can deal with it all, I can do my school work, I can smile with my friends.

But what did I do this Lent? Instead of praising my savior for answered prayers, I slap him in the face with my ungratefulness, sin, and laziness.

I am the worse person I have ever been. I dragged myself to stations and Mass every week last year, this year I can walk just fine but never put forth the extra effort to go. I didn't even do my daily prayer book. Not only have I done nothing to better my soul, I have sabotaged it as well. Here we are Palm Sunday, the beginning of the holiest of weeks, my  solemn time of year. What can I do?

I can't go to mass thursday because of my church job and I don't know if the busses will still be running after Easter Vigil. I have a choir gig on Good Friday. I need to fit in major memorization and prayer this week.

I don't know how I will do it, especially alone. Christians aren't meant to be alone. Fellowship and community is necessary. I found a new church, I think I like it. I hope I can meet people and find the support that I need to pull me out of sin and back into grace. Right now, sin is my support system and that needs to change.

You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run...

Dating. That is the topic of my musings. So, I hate it. I don't do it.

I don't necessarily enjoy meeting new people, I like the people I already know. I don't necessarily come across as socially awkward, but that's how I feel on the inside. I know for a fact that I come across as either a stuck up bitch  or just shy. 

So I don't go out to meet people, I don't greet people who are in the same social situation as me unless I am introduced by a common friend. Hence forth, I never date.

Those of you who read this know that at some point I began wanting a family. I don't know when I got the itch to settle down but it has been within the past year. So in August, I decided to try out an online dating cite, even though I had previously promised myself I wouldn't cave until I was 30. But after deciding I wanted a family, I realized waiting till 30 to start looking for a relationship was a bad idea...I'd be pushing it to the last second. 

So I did it and it was fruitless. Oh well

I didn't obsess over it. 

Months later, on fb I saw an add for this Let's Date app...it looked cool so I got it and that opened the floodgates of other chatting apps.

I am fairly conceited and  think I'm rather pretty. Especially to those whom I consider unworthy. So on this one app, where it shows who is online and near you, I was constantly contacted and usually by pretty undesirable people. I deleted it after a few days then a week later got it back again cuz it was entertaining and self esteem boosting. 

So between the two apps, I've been talking to a few people. The most interesting and real person doesn't live in San Antonio. So I've been going on a few dates and some "dates" and I have just been reminded how much I hate dating and why I kept myself under a rock for most of my 20s. I have trust issues. This is old news. I don't believe anyone and am quite cynical. Everyone has an agenda, you can't possibly think I'm as beautiful as you say you do or like my personality that much, I'm weird and kinda mean sometimes.

I'm also very superficial, and hate myself for it...but I can also overlook physical appearance for personalities. 

I was actually surprised at two of the people I was talking to. They were both very respectful and not suggestive and that intrigued me because most people are just on there to hook up. I am aware of that and know that I have to weed through those people to find the nice, serious ones.  Well all was going pretty well for several weeks. I still froze up at the thought of a date but was able to be myself in text form and open up to these people to see what they were there for. 

This is how I feel about dating:

So you see someone, you're attracted to them physically...then you try to get to know them simply cuz they look appealing? They may not like anything you like, they may have completely opposite political or religions opinions from you, they might like country and you like rap.

How are people like that supposed to get along? There has to be some common interest there.

I always thought, I want my boyfriend to be my friend. If your significant other isn't someone you can hang out with and have fun with, what good are they? This brought me to the bad habit of falling for my friends. That is a horrible problem. Cuz you have so much fun with them, doing absolutely nothing and being your true self, you think, well maybe there's something here. Usually this blows up in your face and you get the "I don't feel that way about you but don't want to loose you as a friend" talk, which I think is a crock. Anyway, enough about my bitter past, I tried it a different way this time. Reading profiles and checking out what we could have in common then seeing about the physical part. Needless to say, this has been more fruitful. 

So when I started writing this yesterday, I had an interesting "problem" where a couple guys were seeking me. They were contacting me, they were wishing me a good morning and such. I was giving one a chance, for purely superficial reasons,  and he dropped me quite suddenly and rudely this morning. I dropped two others earlier this week.

So here I go from being slightly overwhelmed at these people trying to spend time with me and me trying to fit them into my very busy last week...to now where almost no one has anything to say to me. This was the first batch of 4....I talked to them for about a month and only one made the cut. The one who I want to be friends with no matter what cuz I think he's hella cool. 

Now, I know I'm a lot to handle. I'm weird (really really weird), can't drive, still in school at nearly 28, don't really know where life is taking me, a practicing Catholic(gasp), financially unstable, sickly, and both old fashioned & feministic. 

But someone will surely find my quirks irresistible. 

Cuz I am also funny, loving, cheerful, a great cook, love to serve and care, thoughtful, considerate, and pretty. I can sing too, that's cool right? 

So now, I'm talking to only a couple of people but my hearts not in it. 

I don't feel like putting in the time getting to know the new ones, I don't feel like being myself and opening up and listening to what they have to say as they will probably just be lying to me. This sounds like I'm acting all bitter and jaded and while I am, I was already like this when beginning my "dating" process. So part of me wants to crawl back under my rock where I was confidently (mostly) single and happy.  

But I can't lie. I have loved the attention and being called beautiful repeatedly, even if it was with an agenda. (I'm gonna go ahead and think that much was said in truth.)

So I might not be able to let it go.

Either way, something is gonna change about the way I've been behaving this past month.  Now, I've had a really good month, I haven't been feeling bad and I'm just all around happier. 

Today was both a relief and a blow....cuz he was just so nice to look at....probably my one and only hot guy of my dating career...that's fine, I like real people...and he was a little strange and not smart enough for me. Wit over muscles ANY DAY... those were some fine muscles though...

No need to "Gamble" with my happiness ;-)