I've been getting sick since Friday before last and it really hit me on Thursday. I can't shake it. I also haven't been able to really rest and have been singing straight tone all weekend at church. I'm not sleeping. I fall asleep, then wake up just about every hour in a cold sweat. I'm sweaty and freezing at the same time. I can sleep between 5 - 9 but I've had to be up early everyday and each day I've been fairly active. No rest.
My next audition is Saturday in Natchez....after a 16 hour bus trip and two long days of teaching.
No rest.
Talking to my dear buddy about my fears of a bad audition and just worries in general seemed to be more problematic for my psyche than good.
He said that I'm really emotional....well duh, Any of you readers know that.
I'm artsy, I feel the things I see and the music and words that I hear.
It's how's I'm made, It's what makes me who I am.
Without those over passionate feeling, I wouldn't strive for anything.
It's what keeps me going....good or bad.
I can't change the fact the I cry for just about every feeling...even when something is seriously funny....and I refuse to change. Lyrics made me cry, music makes me cry, poetry makes me cry, movies make me cry, stories make me cry.
Without this, I'd me much less of an opera singer. You have to be a little crazy to get in front of people and become somebody else....
Look at all the actors and pop stars who loose it for a bit, they feel too but they have so much pressure on them, they fall.
But I also laugh...a lot...at funny things, silly things, uncomfortable situations, confusing conversations, and when things go all wrong
And I smile
I smile through the pain even
Because I like to smile
And most of all, I love, sometimes, I love a bit to much
I don't know if I'll audition tomorrow as it is already midnight.
I also don't know if I will still be with the man I love after tomorrow.
What I know is that I'm not willing to change and I'm not trying to change him.
I also know that my throat is scratchy, my sinuses are clogged, and my body is fatigued.
I'm scared of what tomorrow brings...
Missed opportunity vs bad first impression
The end of a relationship that isn't going anywhere or the realization that someone loves me the way I am, good and bad, unconditionally...the scariest part is I already thought he did.
And after tomorrow, I keep taking airborne, emergen-c, musinex, theraflu, and throat coat, while I continue to practice and be prepared for Saturday
...because the show (life) must go on.
UPDATE: All today brought was rest, peace, happiness, and a very long talk that ended in understanding and promises to communicate better. Today was as amazing day.
Before the "talk" all I could think was savor every moment cuz it's probably your last day this happy. But it wasn't and I'm pretty sure I have many more days to be this happy. And missing my audition was the best decision I could have made. I'm so happy & feeling much less sick. God gave me a special blessing today and I am so grateful that he shined down his mercy.
