I know it's not sensible To be this passionate, everyday...

I have so much to say but have no clue what to say. I've been quiet over the past month because there's been a lot of changes in my life. Mostly, I've been trying to get my apartment in order from the fusion of three people and all of our stuff. I lost one roommate, gained another and ended up with sooooo much furniture and stuff that the place was nearly inhabitable. So the apartment is completely rearranged and so is my room. We're still not done, hopefully one more week. To top it off I was feeling awful and the last thing I wanted I wanted to do was be on the computer...I was already there looking for jobs everyday.
That's another problem, I have no money. I have borrowed money from friends and here I am again, mid month and not sure how I'm gonna pay my rent for September. Seriously. I can not understand why I am not finding a job. I am really stressed and hiding it and letting it build up and snapping at the people who help me the most.
I went to confession today and subsequently received the Eucharist for the first time in months. It is really crappy that I don't have anyone to talk to about my feelings toward these things. I usually feel relieved, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I'm joyful and renewed after receiving reconciliation...not so much today. I feel like three our fathers and thinking about letting God help me just isn't enough. Thankfully I was lucky enough to be able to sign up for a retreat that I've been meaning to go to. It's an ACTS retreat, something that I was previously against...like super against...but after a friend who was also against them went on one, I decided to give it a shot. Since then, I've been waiting and waiting and this opportunity just dropped into my lap. With God there are no coincidences. I was randomly able to attend mass at the church parish I would like to call home for the first time in almost 2 months. And this was the day they announced the ACTS retreat and started signing people up. Only 35 can go and I was there at the beginning. It's like God said, "There you go, NOW you're ready for me to fix you, you can go." I am beyond ecstatic to be able to spend 3 days in prayer and reflection and whatever other secret things they do on these retreats. I am a hard shell to crack, I expect I will be crying constantly and I hope to return a with a renewed zeal for my Lord and a healthier prayer life AND THANKFUL. I am so often focused on the bad things in my life, because I honestly have more than my "fair" load, but I always overlook the sheer joy that stares me in the face. I am a blessed woman. SO BLESSED. Why is it so hard for me to accept that, to focus on that?

Lately, I've been having a really rough time with finding employment. I look at facebook and see all these people with great jobs, steady income, fun lives, beautiful little families, vacationing, and I think...how is this possible. Some of these people don't even work, some of these people didn't spend time and money in school. I worked my butt off for 10 years paying my way through 3 degrees, racking up debt, killing myself in school work, only to emerge unable to get a simple job as a secretary. What is it about me that is so nauseating that I can't even get an interview for one of the 60 jobs I've applied for? I am not being picky, yet, friends of mine who are being extremely picky, get jobs thrown in their laps. Exactly what each wanted, salary, benefits, in their field. I apply for everything that says Admin Assist or Receptionist, or Secretary, and do not receive one call. This has been weighing on me, and with each chunk of money I have to borrow, it weighs more. Today I accepted a crappy job as a voice teacher at a high school where the kids probably won't pay me on time. I'm also getting a very low fee per lesson. I love teaching privately, but this is not my cup of tea. I have another school ready to hire me, but I can't get there on the bus. This is a rich school with tons of students ready to take lessons and pay. Both are soooooooooooooooo far away. This makes me feel like nothing in my life can come to me with any amount of ease. And this is where all the bad thoughts slip in and where I forget to be thankful for what I have.

This brings me to a topic I didn't necessarily want to discuss in a public setting, but it is currently my biggest blessing, next to my friendships. I have moved a bit too quickly into a relationship, but it was the only easy thing I've had happen to me in months. I've only been with my boyfriend for 4 weeks. That is a very very short time, but these have been a hard & long 4 weeks for me. I am mentally and emotionally on edge and physically sick. This wonderful man is here every day to smile at me, tell me I'm beautiful and most importantly, that he loves me. He loves me. I am a wreck. I am damaged goods and he is standing there with glue. I told him that God needed to be the center of our relationship, or it wouldn't work and to pray with me Without fail, before every meal we hold hands and thank God for our food and each other. Before bed at night, if we remember before the sleep takes us away, we pray for our relationship and ask that God guide us down the path we are meant to go. He has already seen me at my worst, panic attacks, sickness, all of my ways I try to push people away, my bad temper, my stubborn attitude, everything negative about me, he has seen. Some how, he stays. He loves me. I don't know how long we will be together, maybe a few more months, a couple of years, or forever, but it doesn't matter. In my heart, I know that God sent him to me to help me. Even if he is not sure about it being God's will, which I am not sure he's sold on....There is no sensible person on this earth who would not have said, forget you by now if it were not for the will of God. (that sentence is poorly written but I'm too tired to fix it) He might just be around to fix me after my year of letting horrible men into my life. I might just be here for him to practice being the better man that his ex required. This may all be temporary, but it is good. He has the biggest heart I have ever been privileged to know; he help everyone and wants nothing in return. He sends me Good Morning and Good Night text messages. Calls me sweetie, my dove, and as of today, my potato (lol) He loves those silly minions from Despicable Me. He's selfless and sweet, and scattered and goofy, and obsessed with going to the gym. e works too much, doesn't care to own a car, and is always late. We have very little common interests among music, movies, and past times, but we love passing time together. He barely thinks I'm a Christian because I'm Catholic, but we're working on the misconception that I worship idols. He's annoying like a little kid and looses everything. He has selective hearing and reading and forgets everything. He's short, slim, and Mexican. And I, I am completely in love with him.
Today sold me, as if I needed more reasons to think he was wonderful. He used his entire off day to take a two and a half hour public bus ride with me to go on a job interview. This was an 8 hour day, 70% spent on a bus, 20% waiting for me or the bus, and 10% enjoying a meal together. Without him, today would have been unbearable. I've shown him my arms, he just hugged me and said he was sorry. He has researched my illness, asked what he needed to know in case anything happened, and has paid for medicine and brought me to an appointment.
WHY. Everyday I wonder, what can he possibly see in me. Tonight after he got home he texted me "ty for everything"....What does he possible have to thank me for? HE HELPED ME. Why? Why does he love me?
I know I don't deserve him as I am, but everyday, I am trying to be a better person, some days, like today, I fail, but he knows I'm trying. He doesn't deserve to be treated the way I treat him sometimes. And even in we brake up soon or one of us moves, I know, I will be a better person, a better woman, a better Christian, because he has graced my life. Maybe 6 weeks ago, he told me that he was blessed to have met me, and he continues to say this. It made me cry then and will always tear at my heart....what a wonderful feeling, to have someone say that it is a blessing to know you. I pray that he knows how I feel. I try to tell him and instantly feel too serious or mushy. We've been a couple for 4 weeks. This is insane.

Before I had this day, I planned on writing something funny about "first kisses"
I think I'll keep this topic for next time. We'll see if I have time to blog before my retreat in exactly one week. If not, the next blog with definitely be about the retreat. I hope to return a happier person. A nicer person.

My blog tittle "Days Go By" was taken from the Duncan Sheik song of that tittle...yes this one specifically, I know may songs have this title but when I began I was thinking Ducan.

so here are some of the lyrics and a link to that song. It is quite fitting now as these days go by....

I know it's not fashionable

To be this hopeful, well laugh away

I didn't think it was possible

To be grateful, anyway

I know it's not sensible

To be this passionate, everyday

Days go by

I catch myself smile

More than you'd ever expect

It's been a long while

Since it's been o.k.

To feel this way

In the volumes of history

Have you ever seen anything, so pure

In the wildest mythology

Were the gods and goddesses, ever so in love

In your own experience

Have you ever known tenderness, like this

Days go by

I catch myself smile

More than you´d ever expect

It's been a long while

Since it's been o.k.

To feel this way

These are the most precious

Of all my days

Have a precious day
Till next time....