Mommy, Wow! I'm a big kid now....

Searching for an apartment with a roommate has been a new learning experience for me. I've never looked for an apartment before, I've never lived in an apartment.....I've never even moved. Apartment searching websites intimidate me. They're hard to navigate, only give minimal information, and everything is "a great value" even when it's not. I went into the process less intimidated than I should have been. I found an apartment complex online that was cheap and seemed to be in a convenient area. Between that and discovering there were FREE apartment locators, I wasn't the least bit worried. I expected to have an application turned in by 3pm and leave the next day. Of course, nothing in life is ever that smooth.....well not my life at least.
The apartment locator proved to be a waste of time and, personally, down right discouraging. He was super nice and helpful. I'm sure most people have a great experience . But most people have steady jobs, prospective jobs, savings....you know, basically have their lives together. We are a couple of newly graduated unemployed girls from middle class families. I don't think he knew what to do with us, we had a price range and every option he gave us was above that price range. He talked down the cheap complex I researched and made us like this lovely apartment. We were sold...until the fees kept piling on...and then pet rent. We went from smiles to gloom in seconds.
I loved that apartment, as I should...it was never in my price range.
The cheap apartment complex didn't do it for me. My mom was all for it, but she doesn't have to live there. It wasn't as convenient as it looked on paper and frankly, I just didn't like it. This put me in an awful mood. I felt defeated & lost. 
Hours of wasted time ensued and my anxiety level rose quite dramatically. 
Once I stopped freaking out I was able to search again, though I was no help.
Without my soon to be voice teacher the rest on the day/trip would have been a disaster. 
She helped me find 3 more apartments to look at that were all better than our original options. My spirits were lifted but we were basically out of time for the day.
We toured and liked all three of them, great locations, great deals. My favorite being the most expensive one of course, but we chose the one in the middle. It has a great move-in special & student discount. Not very pretty, but not shabby. Everything I could ever need and more is there within one mile. I'm pleased.
Now, just hoping that we will be approved.
This was only my second trip to San Antonio, they were both all business no play.
Hopefully I won't be ears high in school work and actually get to enjoy all the city has to offer. I'm excited again. Just made a step into my new "big girl" life. Hope all goes smoothly.

On being a Bum or ‎"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" John Lennon

For as long as I can remember, I have a been a busy body. I've always had my hands in one activity while my feet were in another. I wasn't afraid to get up in front of people and do stuff. (for example: I was in the "jr. drama club" in 1st grade) When playing with my cousins, I always organized the games, especially when we played school. So not only did i have to be doing something, I had to be in charge. Guess its the Aries in me. My grades were never amazing. I procrastinated on everything yet wanted it to be more than perfect. An overachieving procrastinating perfectionist with an extracurricular activity for every day of the week and her head in the clouds, yep that was me throughout high school. Without exaggerating, I can tell you that I was in at least 8 organizations in high school and an officer of 2 or more every year. Needless to say, I aspired for Bs & Cs. I don't regret being a mediocre student for one second and I am thankful for my parents sacrifices to send me to good schools. Sure, had I spent as much time studying chemistry and biology as I did working on art projects and expanding my music library, I might have made NHS, received TOPS, and actually gone to Vet school. This sentence no longer conjures up regrets, but as a freshman in college it really stung.

It's safe to say that during my first 3 years of college I was not myself. I was cautious, quiet, and cared about what people thought. No longer would I just say what I was thinking, offer suggestion, or put myself out there in any way. In high school, I sang for anything and everything  including pop songs at talent shows. And believe me people, I sucked. Another new development was my nearly perfect grades. Even though my only school organization was literary club and writing an occasional article for the newspaper, I remained busy. I was co-enrolled (because one school just wasn't good enough) and I planned everything. I knew what classes I was taking every semester for the next 5 years. I followed the degree plan of the school to which I hoped to transfer. I clung to my best friend, whom I had most of my classes with, and only made 3 more. Thankfully, I began to fall out of this a bit after beginning my first big girl job at a vet clinic.  Unfortunately, it left residual damage. (more on this later, I know you're thrilled)

I somehow learned how to juggle (with minimal nervous breakdowns) making nearly perfect grades, working 2 - 3 jobs, being the president of organizations, and a cast member of shows. (I'm sure my vocal development suffered and that is regretable) I became some kind of hybrid of my teenage and early college-self. (residual damage alert and tense change) I am always myself, but I do sometimes worry about how I am perceived. I speak my mind, but only on things I am sure of. I sing as much as I can, but I am careful to only sing what I am good at. I love musicals but I've given up on having a role or a solo. I can count on one hand the number of times I have sung karaoke, yet every bone in my body wants to get up there and have fun. I study hard and plan plan plan, but I still spread myself out into many activities.
Then I graduated.....and for the first time in my life.....I had no plan.

(and for those of you wondering, here beings my "point")

I really hoped to work full time at my job and save up money while I figured things out but that didn't work. (of course that story is another bitter blog that lives in the silence of my heart and the ears of my friends) So, after months of filling out applications, making audition tapes, slowing going broke and whoring out my savings account, February found me basically unemployed. This was a new "first" in my life. I had no responsibilities, no bed time, no rise time. No reason to leave the house.
This, my friends, was miserable......until it wasn't. 

I reluctantly discovered freedom. The little bohemian inside of me was able to thrive. I became more spontaneous. I visited my family more often. I started a blog, even if only 3 of my closest friends read it, at least I'm writing again. (subsequently, starting today, i will actually tell people that I have a blog)
I became more indulgent of every day life. I lived.
I heard that Lennon quote on a movie a couple days ago and I realized how true it was. Yes, of course we need structure and plans, but we also need room to break those plans or add in new ones. Make mistakes and move on. This brings me to the present day.

On June 19, I'm moving in with my cousin in Baton Rouge to work a full time job for 7 weeks. While there I will be closer to my family and my oldest friends. I will be able to be a better bridesmaid as the wedding date gets closer. I will be forced to hone in on my salsa/bachata/reggaeton/punta skills (or lack-there-of) among other things. Then I will briefly return to home to collect my belongings and make the trek to San Antonio. Sounds like a plan, I know, but trust me, I have left a lot of room for living.

Think Fast!!!!

I was just offered a temporary full time job. 
Problem: it's in Baton Rouge. Plus: I can stay with my cousin who would actually be my boss. If I were to accept, I would have to begin in June; I just started a part time retail job in the Mall. They're are many positive points to this. I will not go into them now, just trust me. I need to make a decision really speedily as it will affect many other people.
Eeeek!! My previous concerns of the day are now quite trivial.....well they were always trivial. 

I won't worry my life away.....

It seems like life keeps throwing unpleasantries at you, piling them one on top the other until you think you're gonna explode. Then, quite inexplicably, you realize you're ok and you're having a good day. When you think about it closer, it's really the forth good day in a row. Somehow your quality of life improved and you didn't even realize it. That's where I am right now. A few months ago I was miserable almost every day. Recently, I noticed that I am usually cheery & thoroughly enjoying random non-monumental moments.
My happy go lucky attitude is also unusual because of the impending and current changes taking place in my life. Every two-three weeks, another friend moves away and who knows if I'll ever see these people again. Somehow I have made the best of these situations. In one case, I spent approximately 60 of 72 hours with with my friend before her departure. These last hours I've been "hanging" with my friends have been some of the best moments I've ever shared with them. Maybe that explains my joviality.
I digress.
What I really mean to be talking about is how life always becomes great right before everything changes. I experienced this during the summer of 2005. I had a great job with awesome co-workers who I now call friends. My "social life" was at an all time high. I could afford to buy things and go places. I was still tight with my high school friends. I just got a Facebook account. (ha)  My piano skills were improving everyday. I was accepted to my "dream school" and was crazy nervous about beginning. Only a few month earlier, I was extremely unhappy with every aspect of my life. So when I finally realized how happy I was it was too late for me to revel in it. Katrina hit and instantly changed everything.

I feel this pattern reoccuring. I'm about to leave everyone and live farther away than I ever have.  And only now am I extremely content with where I am. I have some really good friendships that need minimal upkeep because we are so comfortable with the friendship. I'm very happy with my church job (the congregation, choir members, music director, priests included). I just started working a part time mall job, so while not ideal, the extra income is very welcome. I finally feel like I have a home and not just a pit stop. One word to sum it up: Comfort.  Now, i'll have to start all over again and I realize that wouldn't last if I did stay, so I'm not complaining.
Just observing. With a smile.

Little Monsters & Happily Ever After

I was planning on writing something about school or my past weekend, but I figured something out about myself so I thought I should share. Beware, it's shocking.

For as as long as I can remember, I have sworn off kids. I was never one of those little girls who loved playing with babies. As I grew older, I never developed a tolerance or longing for children. I think all new born babies are ugly and I prefer not to take my turn holding babies. Also, I will never complement you on your kids beauty if it's not beautiful. I never babysat or volunteered at nurseries. It just wasn't my thing. I like baby animals not baby humans....it goes the same way for adults actually.
I remember liking my little cousin Alexis and a family friends' kid. That's it.

Within the past few years the desire to have little monsters of my own never surfaced. I did, however, begin to be excited about people I love having babies. When one of my dearest friends became pregnant I was tickled pink because I knew how ready she was to be a mother. I also knew that she was going to be amazing. At the same time, it seemed like all of my friends & acquaintances were getting married or getting pregnant. While I felt out of the loop, I was not ready to be married and definitely not ready for children.
That was my story, and I was sticking to it.......until now.

I love being single because I only have to worry about me. I do what I want, when I want, however I want. The problem with this statement is simple if you know me. It in no way fits my personality. I am loving, nurturing, and caring. I consistently spend my days doing little things to make the people I love happy, putting them before me. That being said, I think I actually am ready for marriage, minus the ability to be financially stable.
Second thing I've learned about myself: I want children. I still have a low tolerance for kids. I still think new borns are ugly. But I love seeing my friends kids grow up. I love babysitting that handsome little 2 year old from church. I love the smile he gives me when he sees me. I love his little run to give me a hug. I love the way he yells "Mo!!" when I ask him what my name is. I love rocking him and hugging him when he misses his mommy. 
When I go to Mass and see young families sitting together, I want that.
This is HUGE for me. So, I'm not gonna dwell on it, in fact, I'll ignore it.

I like being single, I can't stand kids, I want to sing.....
Ah, that's better.

What's going on....

I spent the day virtually alone. So while the television played episode after episode of Law & Order SVU, I searched for apartments on my iPad whom I affectionately call Diego.
This act made me feel proactive and my impending move became more tangible. 
Since that little storm we less than affectionately refer to as Katrina, I currently live in a small city where I completed my BM & MM. As I am a bit of a spiritual person, I believe that I was brought to this random city & this random school for a purpose. Who knows why. All I know is that past my misery, I have befriended some wonderful people who will always hold a place in my heart. I have learned here. I have grown here. 
Consequently, being here is why I am now moving to the foreign land of Texas. 
Never in a million years would I have placed myself in Texas, a state of which I hold a hatred deeply rooted in pure irrationalism. Every plan I have ever willingly made in my life has been forcefully removed from me. Therefore, this must be the right move. I was recently offered a $9,000 opera scholarship. The likelihood of this happening was very low, and when i got the call, it made the decision for me. 
San Antonio. 
Seems like a beautiful, cultural, clean, historic, artsy city. 
Seems to fit my personality like Lycra tights.
Seems too good to be true...

The Long:
Half of my identity can be summed up as “New Orleans Catholic”
The other half can be called “Creatively Challenged” but not in the sense that means having an inability to be creative. It’s more of an over zealous appreciation of the creative arts and an inability to master one without feeling as if I’m turning my back to the other.
Maybe it would be better titled “Creatively Indecisive”
That being said, I have decided: Music
I am a soprano by voice classification not by temperament.
I am about to embark on the next part of my life. This time it is my choice.
We’ll see how far my decisions take me.