Here we go:
"Never wanted to attend an ACTS retreat. Seemed cultish. Finally was called and so very excited to go...until the day it's gonna happen. I was nervous and preoccupied all day trying to finish "life" stuff. I arrive at check-in at the church and feel so young. I'm so shy, I forget that about myself. I looked like I was being forced to attend because I suffer from BFR. (yes someone told me I looked like I was forced to be there)
We get to the retreat center and there is a welcome committee with singing and noise makers...Instantly, I want to go home. Everyone is smiling and telling me their name and hugging me.
Pure Misery
Why are they so happy? Then more singing with hand movements. I signed up for a retreat, not my personal hell. So, tell me, why is it that I can't be happy? I love God. I love Jesus. I talk to Him daily. Things CAN move me. Yet, all I could think of during stations of the cross was that the reader was overly emotional, why was she crying?
HELLO! She's crying cuz she's recalling the complete AGONY Christ went through so that I would be free. Still not phased. I think I'm broken. Unable to feel...that can't be true. I cry ALL THE TIME! Where is my warm fuzzy feeling? All i did was daydream, reflect on my hate of guitars and praise music, and wish that this was a silent retreat. Sadly, I wasn't happy until I was sitting quietly out in front of a grotto and then told not to talk through the rest of the night/morning. Finally, no small talk or "new friends"
(side note: I came here wanting to make friends)
Morning Thoughts:
They came around to wake us up long before the sun decided to wake. I planned on getting up early and showering/dressing then sleeping till the bell. I did wake up...dreamed that I did the rest. My roommate had to wake me up cuz I fell asleep thinking I was ready. I'm tired. Yesterday was a long day. Also...these people don't get the concept of silent. Don't Speak, as Gwen Staffani said in the grand ole 90s. Now, I sit here with my rooibus awkwardly one of the first 10 people out of 35 who are ready. My shower was too fast and unfulfilling. I'm not hurting much though, slightly uncomfortable because of quick shower but I am moving and sitting without wincing. I'm gonna pay attention to my tea now and figure out how to be open.
And then they play a song that you feel like you wrote...Breaking You - Audrey Assad
And then the mantra "don't cry"
not yet...
Questions: Who am I?
Where am I going?
What is the purpose of my life and what role does God have in it?
I don't know
Now they ask me what luggage do I need to get rid of...
There's so much. Yet I can't name it. What's holding me back?
Bitterness-Regret-Anxiety
Must forgive myself and allow myself to trust that I will be ok.
When I was in high school on retreat, we had bags for each person and we were able to give each other anonymous notes. It was my favorite thing. Made me feel so warm and fuzzy and loved.
We have those here like in high school.
Went to confession, sadly I had to, even though I went recently. I am trying to forgive myself but I'm starting to think I'm holding onto resentment for someone else. I need to forgive. I'm prideful and claim that I don't hold grudges and that it's easy for me to forgive. I may be lying to myself. So how do I forgive someone who really isn't in the blame, but I blame them?
I was just minding my own business, looking at a bulletin board and eating cheeze-its when a sister who didn't recognize me from the retreat walked up and started talking to me. I wanted to talk to her all day but didn't know how to approach her. So the fact that she just started chatting with me made me so happy, especially when she said come sit and chat with me. She asked me if I was in school and I told her I graduated in May and she asked "In Music?" She saw my treble clef necklace and assumed.
When I told her I wanted to do opera but that it might not happen, she said Why not? It is your dream isn't it? Didn't we just talk about the Holy Spirit? She asked me about the process and my trouble finding a job. She offered an idea for a solution and gave me a contact to start a studio. and she made it sound so easy to afford my habit and stressed praying for the Holy Spirit to open the hearts of others to help me. Simple.
Maybe it is that simple
"Ask and you shall receive"
It's right there
It's time I start to believe it
Really believe and trust. Trust.
It's been a full night. I don't even remember what i was gonna write. I've met lots of lovely people. I don't know if I've made a connection with anyone though. My table-mates are nice. I want to be friends with one of them but I don't know how to break the ice. My roommate is great. She's here with her 19yr old daughter. We chatted for a while tonight. Sadly she lives 50 minutes away. I threw away those three problems I mentioned earlier. I talked about them with my table and am thinking that most of it will be left behind me. I'm hopeful and that's something. Hope has been hard to find for months now. It sure is helping that I'm feeling pretty good. I have get-up-and-go in the morning and haven't taken pain pills in days. I hope people see a change in me. Like I increased my contrast and saturation so I'm more vibrant and pop. I mainly hope F sees something better in me. Something that's always been there, just fuzzy, dull.
I woke up in pain and thought the day was ruined. Luckily only a few hours seemed bad. I don't know what to say other than I'm happy and don't have a care in the world. My table mates are so very fun. We just did something that I probably shouldn't talk about cuz the goings on of this retreat are supposed to be secret. Though, I honestly don't see any difference between this and most of my H.S. retreats. So I'm not sure why there are so many secrets. Time, however doesn't exist. I really think I let everything go. Maybe tuesday will come and it will all come crashing back down on me. It will. But, maybe I will handle it differently. I think I made friends. Yet I always sit alone. That's ok. I don't feel alone and I don't need people to be best buds with, just support and friendly faces at church. And I do know some are just a phone call away. That is comforting. I am ready to have some alone time though. Praise & Worship has never been my cup of tea. But I'm joining in.
Lately, I've been thinking about studying theology. All I can say is stopping me is the money...or lack there of. I want to be more educated. I used to be smart. Although sometimes knowing more makes me like a Pharisee, I need to be careful with that. Anyway studying the Bible and Church law are very interesting to me. I miss my college theology classes. We'll see.
I'm super exhausted. I feel weird. I don't know what's wrong.
I had a horrible night. Every activity after dinner bothered me, or didn't affect me.Why can't I allow myself to feel? All I could think was "I'm dead inside" then i remember times when I'm so touched, I weep. Most recently it was the Shane & Shane song "Though you Slay me." So that means I'm not all dead. Then I must be like a rotting apple. If I don't hurry up and cut out the bad parts they will spread. So I began to analyze why I wasn't moved like everyone else. 1) I hate crying in public - hasn't stopped me before 2) Praise music, I can only handle so much - but what's wrong? It wasn't part of liturgy....3) Togetherness - too many people around me all day long - yet I get lonely 4) It was a long day - we all know I shut down after a while and I woke up hurting and I'm not used to such long physical days. But the energy, I should have fed off of people, but I was just closed off which brings me to 5) I won't open my heart. Why am I afraid to be happy. The letter I wrote F this afternoon sounded so full of joy and positivity and like the Holy Spirit was working in me. What happened later? What was the trigger? I may never know
Sister Luz pulled me away from breakfast and lunch today to introduce me to a lady in the choir and the pastor. She is all about getting me involved and using my talent. Which our gospel reading was about today. She made me sing Salve Regina after the rosary. Then everyone was telling me I had a pretty voice. I am so bad at complements. Now they're all trying to get me in choir and handbells. I just realized that I needed a bath. I'm used to taking them to feel better and we only have a stand up shower. So this morning, I'm still hurting. However, I am much happier this morning. My roommate and I chat a lot. I really hope we keep in touch. This morning has been so much better. I'm so happy now, again. I must have just been tired. I'm hurting a bit today but I'm still OK. Feeling super happy. They made me sing the Ave Maria...just put me on the spot. LOL Oh well such is life."
So I didn't write after this, but the rest of the experience was lovely and being at mass with 72 new friends was wonderful. I have several phone numbers and have talked to one person by text several times. I saw a few people at mass today and gave hugs. Just what I wanted.
As for the week, I have not stressed about stuff. I have not been constantly positive but I have been feeling bad. I was sharp with F a couple times. He was acting weird on the phone on monday and then needy on tuesday. I think it's because I was feeling bad, but also, because I wanted him to see me like sunshine, and the day was imperfect so by the time we got to see each other I was a little bummed. Especially cuz our plans went sour. And he gave me some news about stuff that was going on and it made me a little unhappy. Also, because he brought up stuff about the retreat but when I tried to talk about it he put up that anti-Catholic shield. Like he's gonna catch a contagious disease. I can't help but get a little worked up. I just want him to accept my lifestyle and not look down on me. However, he has been amazing in other topics. Also, the letter I wrote him was apparently just what he needed. He was feeling confused and upset about somethings and said he actually was considering taking a break with me. (that stung) Without me knowing, that letter about God made him feel more secure with me. He said that the letter showed him that I had the qualities he wanted in a woman. Strange conversation, and it's not my place to go in to the details, but we've been good since. Not that there was anything wrong before, I just want to be kinder and not jump down his throat when he says something wrong or when I have to repeat myself for the 15th time because he didn't remember.
I've been working on things all week and paying bills and never got upset or stressed. I haven't snapped at my mother except once when she was giving awful directions. I feel like I'm happier. I feel like now I am finally open...now, I'm actually ready for a retreat. I've forgiven that person I mentioned earlier, though I haven't been able to tell this person due to circumstances. I think I have become ok with just knowing that I've let go.
I have a cd that takes you down from your spiritual high and places you back into the real world with a series of meditations. Oddly enough, i enjoy the music. The title of this entry is one of the songs and my prayer for myself. Another song is my current goal. I'll leave you with the link to the song. Listen to the words and try to challenge yourself.
whew
that was a lot
So I didn't write after this, but the rest of the experience was lovely and being at mass with 72 new friends was wonderful. I have several phone numbers and have talked to one person by text several times. I saw a few people at mass today and gave hugs. Just what I wanted.
As for the week, I have not stressed about stuff. I have not been constantly positive but I have been feeling bad. I was sharp with F a couple times. He was acting weird on the phone on monday and then needy on tuesday. I think it's because I was feeling bad, but also, because I wanted him to see me like sunshine, and the day was imperfect so by the time we got to see each other I was a little bummed. Especially cuz our plans went sour. And he gave me some news about stuff that was going on and it made me a little unhappy. Also, because he brought up stuff about the retreat but when I tried to talk about it he put up that anti-Catholic shield. Like he's gonna catch a contagious disease. I can't help but get a little worked up. I just want him to accept my lifestyle and not look down on me. However, he has been amazing in other topics. Also, the letter I wrote him was apparently just what he needed. He was feeling confused and upset about somethings and said he actually was considering taking a break with me. (that stung) Without me knowing, that letter about God made him feel more secure with me. He said that the letter showed him that I had the qualities he wanted in a woman. Strange conversation, and it's not my place to go in to the details, but we've been good since. Not that there was anything wrong before, I just want to be kinder and not jump down his throat when he says something wrong or when I have to repeat myself for the 15th time because he didn't remember.
I've been working on things all week and paying bills and never got upset or stressed. I haven't snapped at my mother except once when she was giving awful directions. I feel like I'm happier. I feel like now I am finally open...now, I'm actually ready for a retreat. I've forgiven that person I mentioned earlier, though I haven't been able to tell this person due to circumstances. I think I have become ok with just knowing that I've let go.
I have a cd that takes you down from your spiritual high and places you back into the real world with a series of meditations. Oddly enough, i enjoy the music. The title of this entry is one of the songs and my prayer for myself. Another song is my current goal. I'll leave you with the link to the song. Listen to the words and try to challenge yourself.
whew
that was a lot
