I'm so lonesome I could cry

The blank television fills the room with a soft glow
The warm and fuzzy four legged companion makes himself at home on the sofa
Schubert plays quietly in the background, just audible over the hum of the air conditioning
I can still hear the doves cooing down the chimney before they bed for the night
I wait and think and hope for this tranquil scene to appeal to me.
I long for these quiet nights to bring me peace once more.

When I began this blog, I believe I spent a lot of time alone. And I also craved my alone times.
Whatever has taken over my life these past three years, has also made me into a very needy person.
I crave company. Even if the person is silent, their body in the room, their physical presence brings me comfort. My roommate is currently out of town in the African bush, my boyfriend is out of town at a convention, and my mother just left to go back to Louisiana today. I haven't been alone in weeks. I should be happy that I have some peace and quiet, yet all I do is try to find things to keep my occupied. This would be easy if my wii wasn't acting up and making it difficult for me to stream netflix and hulu. Also, I have this weird thing where I hate watching movies alone. I could read. I even bring a book around wherever I choose to sit, but I never open it. I feel like singing, or painting. but my jaw is killing me cuz I've been grinding my teeth at night and I'm supposed to be keeping my leg elevated. I feel like my muscles are atrophying over night. I'm not sure how much longer I had to be on this kind of rest but I'm going a little batty. You see, the thing is, I will have a thought and it would be nice to share the thought with someone. But no one is here, my bf barely texts me during the day so I try not to text him, it's not profound enough to waste my fb limit on, my SA friends rarely reply to my texts lately, and my other friends...I just chose not to bother.
So here I am, deciding to blog. I have nothing interesting to blog about though.
These woe is me sessions must get exhausting to read. I mean, I assume "you" that someone out there is cyber world is reading these pages. I know my friends don't really read...besides dearest Melissa, who gets me through hard times by reminding me that all I need is the love and company of God. He is enough.
I know He is, and I used to be comforted with that thought. But I am a touchy person, and sometimes I just need a hug.
ok this blog feels pointless and is putting me to sleep.
I need a new topic to write about before I return here.

Yesterday was a great Easter Sunday

Lent has come and gone. And like most things in my life, i failed, yet again. I began the first two weeks with sufficient alone time and trips to adoration. I was reading a guided devotional to help with my lenten journey. I really enjoyed the writing and the questions it made me ask myself. And then i just "got too busy." How do I consistently get too busy for God? I'm hurting, I have to move, I'm too exhausted, i haven't been able to sit alone, i have an injury on my leg, I have an appointment, I have all this music to learn, I have to work, I have to nap, I have to cook, I have to clean....the list is eternal yet none of the excuses should be so powerful as to come before prayer. But everyday they do. So now, Easter has arrived and instead of feeling joy, I feel shame and failure. He died for me and I can't even set aside 10 minutes a day to address Him, thank him, offer my difficulties of  the day to him.
What is wrong with me? Where are my priorities? I just don't know what I do with the hours of my life. I feel like i wake up and wait for my meals and bed time. Only to repeat the cycle the next day.
And when work day comes, I search for reasons not to go. BUT WHY!?! It's not like I get anything done when I'm home. I'm not having a good day today, but I don't understand why. Nothing bad has happened and I've relaxed with my mom. But i haven't accomplished anything so therefore my day is ruined. And now, it's going to take me two hours to get to my friend's recital, so there goes the rest of my day. I must be going though a bad mental patch. I notice the constant unhappiness for no reason.
I have a new beautiful town home. My mom is visiting. I have my dog. I am able to pay my bills.
But I am not happy. It can't all be because I'm worried about one thing, can it?
Maybe it wasn't the best time to blog.
I come back when my head is more level.

Enjoy the silence

Good Friday is supposed to be a day of reflection. Well, in my continued self absorbed attitude, I reflected on myself by reading old blog entries. I started in June. I guess I was curious to read them in order, one after the other to see how my life/attitude/friends/health all changed. I blogged a lot this summer to take up my newly found free time. This fall, my blogging was back to once a month. Lately I've been wanting to blog, but I don't want to complain about my illness anymore. I want to write about how happy and how frustrated my boyfriend makes me but I don't want this to be my love life memoirs. So I just don't write.

But here we go, it's all I got.

I started visiting an acupuncturist. It's all very crunchy to me. But still worth a try. She told me I would probably not see results right away since I've been sick for so long and my body is probably blocking good energy from flowing. The tiny needles don't really hurt. Sometimes it caused an electric shooting pain but it fades almost immediately. And my second two visits allowed me to relax and sleep. 

She spoke to another practitioner who posted a study about an HS patient who made remarkable progress with oral & topical herbs. So next week, she should have something new for me to try. I'm very encouraged by this news and hope it will give me some relief.

But this habit is expensive :(  

I really want my bf to read my blog now, he's been banned from it and never even shown a blog. No one can say I don't learn from my pass...but now I'm ready for him to read my crazy. He already knows it intimately, but there's just  something about reading someone's intimate thoughts, it's raw and documented. But we are having problems right now. I love him more than I have ever loved another person romantically. And he tells me he loves me. But still we're going through a rough patch. Somedays, I want to give up on him. I feel like his workaholic nature is not just situational. I feel like it is him, and it will be like that no matter what. Then I put the cart before the horse and think of how horrible it would be for my kids to have a daddy that used all his time to work and was so exhausted when he came home that he ate dinner and fell sleep. And honestly, I won't have that. So my irrational mind wants to just break-up to save me on later heartache. But the thought of life without him at all is so bleak. So I moved on to thinking we needed a break. Time to ourselves where we could be selfish and not have to consider the other person's feelings. I supposed I feel like he already does this. Then I talk myself into it being a great idea because we don't share common interests besides loving each other. I remind myself of his favorite verse "love never fails" And whenever I'm ready to throw in the towel, he does something sweet or thoughtful and I retreat.

All those friends I spoke about this summer, they all disappeared. I never hear from them. So things are pretty lonely around here. I need to enjoy the silence. My roommate leaves for Africa on Monday. My mom leaves a week later. I guess after they're both gone, the only place I will go is work. And I'll be here alone everyday.

Sounds sad & pathetic don't it?

It is...

Tomorrow I will talk about lent 2014.