I can't seem to sleep tonight. I'm not being plagued by any worries. I didn't have a bad day. I woke up kind of sad and lonely, but I put on my big girl panties and got over it. I had lunch/dinner with an old friend to catch up on life and to exchange birthday presents two months late. I am amazed that we are still friends, it's been an interesting and sometimes painful journey. I scratched a few things off my list, not a lot, but something important. I spent a little too much time in the company of nostalgia. I had an energizing joyful talk with my cousin/soon-to-be-roommate. She made me excited about moving, excited about what she called "liberation" and excited to soon be in the south. Southern Louisiana, where strangers strike up conversations like you're a relative. Where people don't make fun of my accent or treat me like I'm an unintelligent illiterate fool because I say the word "ask" like "axe". Where people believe everything will be better with a cup of coffee, a cold beer, or a plate of food. Where people live life and aren't so cautious about their every step. Where people are truly themselves and don't care what you think about them. Where my family is.
I never thought my family would turn into a "funeral & weddings" family. Thanks Katrina.
I grew up seeing the majority of my aunts, uncles, and cousins everyday. We all went to Mass together, we all visited at each others houses, and we were never in need of a family reunion. This past weekend I hosted a bridal shower for one of my cousins. I saw aunts and cousins that I haven't seen in years. The distance made me see them all a bit differently. I never noticed how alike my dad and his sister are. I swear, every phrase that came out of her mouth was an exact replica of my fathers speech.
Two of my closest cousins are twins. They are a several years older than me, but we have always been close, we even called ourselves triplets. These past two years I have grown so much closer to them. I love my friends in Monroe and I know many of you are on the "permanent friends list" (lol), but there's a strong bond between people who were raised the same. They know me without me having to open up because they are the same. As a person who spends most of my days feeling alienated because my way of life is so foreign, there is a great comfort that comes over me when I am with them. As you grow older, the age difference between people shrinks. We are closer now than we have ever been. I find myself spending more and more time with them when I go home instead of my friends. I will always love my friends back home, they have been with me through the most awkward transitions of life, but it's hard to incorporate the constant change with people you only see 6 times a year. Somehow, my cousins and I are the same. Please excuse my analogy as I explain. Although our backgrounds are not cookie cutter identical, we are from the same dough. We are held together and formed by the same batch of ingredients making us remarkably similar. When you spend a lot of time with the same friend(s) you begin to think alike, pull out inside jokes, even say the same thing at the same time. That makes sense, you're always together. I seldom spend more than an hour with my twin cousins yet we do the same things whenever we are together. We have some kind of bond.
That being said, they have no understanding of my goofy musician side, that's what my Monroe friends are for. I love you all for that.
I just finished reading a blog from one of my dearest and newest friends whom I never spend time with. This private blog was so personal and in-depth that I felt us growing closer by me being allowed to read it. I was touched to the point of tears.
I have a "best friend" She's been around for 15+ years. She will always be there for me and I for her. Still, I spend many days feeling alone and like no one understands me. I realize that people do understand parts of me. Each person I call a friend is one because we identify with an aspect of the others personality. We are all so complex, even though I like to think I'm not. (in my first blog, I summed myself up in two phrases...I am so much more, good and bad) I doubt anyone finds companionship with a person who is exactly the same and when it does happen it usually ends boring or disastrous. Yet we still need common interests to even begin a conversation.
As my URL alludes, these are just musings. Things that pop into my head and are better shared so that I can actually pay attention to them. Today I had no real direction, mearly hoping this will lead me to sleep.
Pleasant Dreams
Mo
