The Texas sun beats down upon me like the devils smile I'd rather be anywhere else than here...

Was it a blinding lack of subtlety 

or just the lack of style

responding to the ways and means of fear

Take me back to New Orleans

And drop me at my door

Cause I might love you yeah

but I love me more

I always blog more when I'm not in school, I haven't much to do and spend too much time thinking when I should be painting or making jewelry or reading, or swimming.

I can't not live in New Orleans any longer. I can pull out tons of jazz hits & oldies to explain my draw to that ragged dirty beautiful city.

Ya know how I feel, like that Jason Mraz song A Beautiful Mess, is about me...well it's also about nola. What a mess! Trash, homeless, poverty, urine rises off the steers....yet look at it from afar. I'll be dammed if she's not a beauty, flaws and all.

Here are the lyrics to the Jason Mraz song I feel like it's me and my city.

(I must be insane or something, anyway, this is my favotire version)

You’ve got the best of both worlds

You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man

And lift him back up again

You are strong but you’re needy, humble but you’re greedy

Based on your body language and shorty cursive I’ve been reading

You’re style is quite selective but your mind is rather reckless

Well, I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is

It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well, it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write

And kind of turn themselves into knives

And don’t mind my nerve you can call it fiction

'Cause I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear

'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice

Your comebacks they’re quick and probably

Have to do with your insecurities

There’s no shame in being crazy depending on how you take these

Words they're paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging

And it’s a beautiful mess, yes, it is

It’s like we're picking up trash in dresses

Well, it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say

Kind of turn themselves into blades

And the kind and courteous is a life I’ve heard

But it’s nice to say that we played in the dirt

'Cause here, here we are, here we are

Here we are, here we are

Here we are, here we are

Here we are, here we are

Here we are, we're still here

And what a beautiful mess this is

It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words and priceless pictures

We’ll fly like birds not of this earth

And tides they turn and hearts disfigure

But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together

And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts

But it's nice today, oh, the wait was so worth it

I know I know

This kind of blog usually gets written a couple times a year when I get homesick. Well those feelings have been exacerbated by a recent series of events.
I've become someone I don't like. These past few weeks have brought out the worst in me and I would give anything to erase them from my memory. I know living here has changed me. Change is a good thing unless it's a change for the worse. And you usually can learn aomething from it if it's a change for rhe bad, but I have no clue what I learned except that I'm not who I thought I was and that I'm gonna have to work even harder to be the person I want to be. It really sucks.
Also, twice in two weeks something has happened that is inexplicable.
So here I am,  in my most hated state of the nation (it doesn't count that one set of grandparents lived in orange, it's close to the boarder), Texas.

Though I am extremely happy with my friends, (seriously, my life is great) nothing is holding me here except the fear of change. I mean these friends have gotten me through tough times, but I can easily fall back in to the circle of my old high school friends. We'd go to festivals, art  events, concerts and I'd play with their kids, go to baptisms and first communions. It'd be like I always wanted it. Unfortunately, this decision would probably mean that performing will not be a part of my future.

Now I know that I still have my name in the church musicians circle in nola/metairie so I would be able to at least sub for cantors, if not quickly get a regular gig.

Unfortunately, though I'd be making $100 more there than I am here, it would not be enough to live off of.

Down part is, there's not any openings at the few community colleges they have. The only work I want to do with my degrees is perform or teach college  And i know how it is for a musician in nola, you work 5 jobs: sing at 2 churches, have a private studio, teach somewhere part-time, sing in the opera chorus for pennies, and maybe a part time non musical job just to make ends meet.

I want to make sure you realize that I am not complaining. I knew this fact going in to music. But at one point, maybe before I caught the performer bug, I wanted to be a music minister at a big parish and a music therapist.

That's a more level headed life.

But once I actually started to have a real voice, Puccini called me to the lights, and I thought, maybe I am good enough, maybe my voice is unique enough. And finally, "God brought me to San Antonio, I don't want to be here at all but maybe it's part of His divine plan for me"

So SA has brought me freedom, sickness, the most horrible heartaches I've ever felt, a kick-ass assortment of friends, a handful of loving little brother, a personality twin, debt, and poverty.

With every fiber of my being I long to walk down the streets of New Orleans, picnic in City Park, sit in a bench in front of the lake, read a book in a quaint non commercial coffee shop, run in to familiar faces while shopping down Magazine St, listen to a ragtag jazz band play in Jackson Square in front of the cathedral, and eat beignets and daiquiris whenever I damn well please!

Hopeless romantic, idealist, stuck in the past; the former glory of my life before Katrina.

My life sucked before Katrina

I cried everyday, loved my job but was ready to sneak out my belongings and live else where because I couldn't stand living with my father. I had to secretly order my birth certificate and sneak out from work on my lunch break to even get a state ID. But my family members were still all alive and family time was always the best. The summer before the storm was indeed the best 3 months of my life. I had friends and freedom. I had a live journal...it was ridiculous, and myspace.  I went to concerts almost once a month, was accepted into my dream school...Life was as I wanted it, mostly.

So I listen to old cowboy mouth, some paul simon, and that Jason Mraz song while I long to be home.

I try to ignore the crappy things that happen here and live in the moment and be happy with my current life.

I have two interviews this week and I am still applying for other places. But know at the drop of a hat I would move to New Orleans if I had a job. Because....

Yes, all the marching bands will roll

I'll find my city in my soul

because I plan on growing old

on the Avenue

In the words of Jason Mraz, Life is wonderful...

It takes some silence to make sound

It takes a loss before you found it

And it takes a road to go nowhere

It takes a toll to make you care

It takes a hole to make a mountain

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful

Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle

Ha la la la la la life is wonderful

Ha la la la la la life is meaningful

Ha la la la la la life is wonderful

Ha la la la la la life it is...so...wonderful

I tried to write about this topic a while back, maybe April, but something happened and made the warm fuzzies go away. And then i would have posted what I had but it got deleted from my notes. A lot of it was originally brought on by my amazing birthday celebrations this year. That's when I began to realize how awesome my friends are.

So now that I'm in a super happy mood, I'm gonna crank it out.

I am astounded at the blessings that have been put into my life. God has made my path cross with some of the most amazing people. I claim constantly that I'm not a people person yet I'm a typical Aries who loves to be in the middle of it all.

Lately, I've spent almost no time at home because my beautiful friends always claim me. I can't say no, not because I'm bad at turning stuff down, but because I absolutely love spending time with people.

I loved Navarro tour cuz I spent so much time with people being silly backstage and getting to interact with the kiddos. After that was all over, the cycle just continued.

These past six days have been some of the best this year. I was with a few of my favorite family members, my roommate, I got a new church choir job, finally saw a band live that I've been waiting to see for years, went sight seeing in SA, and just spent random time in the company of quirky people doing lots of nothing.

Each time before I do something, I think how I would rather stay home, then I force myself to go and am immediately happy that I went.

I'm even hanging out with different people than usual and it's kinda nice to mix it up.

This past year, two years, has been filled with stress, troubles, uncertainty, sadness, confusion, lack of faith, hopelessness, wonder, long nights, homesickness, pain and hard work.

In the midst of all this chaos, I somehow developed several deep connections with people and gained a bunch of friends. I define a friend as a person who enjoys your company and is willing and wanting to enjoy it outside of any previous obligation to be in your company. Not all of these people would die for me but they are indeed more than acquaintances.

After the fog of academia was lifted,  my social side emerged, I realized I was like this in Monroe, I just forgot what it was like to have plans every night, to have a weekly hang out at a certain place where you could run into anyone.

I feel like I have a life, like on sitcoms.

A group of friends who get together to do the same activities and go to the same places  regularly.

It's beautiful lol

I know I sound ridiculous but I am really happy right now.

I have so many little problems that could really get me down but the love and support from this group of people is making it so easy to deal with the bad things life throws at me.

They are my distraction and friends like Melissa, Jessica, Toni, and Ashley try to keep me in check spiritually...only Jessica is here to hold my hand through stupid decisions I make and to accompany me to mass, the rest are a phone call away to tell me it'll be ok, to tell me to trust, or to share an appropriate bible verse or page from a daily prayer book. And then there's the roommate who knows everything and when I need to break down, she is there to make me feel uncomfortable about crying...thus I shut up and blog lol

Speaking of blogging,

I learned a lesson the hard way, I should not blog about people, even if I think I'm being vague, you never know who will read it. You never know who silently stalks you hahaha

This happened in nov/dec and caused a conversation that I wasn't ready to have and I think it kind of broke a friendship cuz we don't talk anymore. And then again it happened yesterday...but how am I supposed to know my blog is actually being read by people who know me??

ooops  :-/

This however had a better outcome, I think, I was supper blushed and embarrassed but I was also grinning from ear to ear. (In case you read this and were wondering)

[...I just paused and re-read those blogs cuz I never remember what I write unless it's clever....I'm kind of mortified...I was crazy honest and now I'm shocked that he actually spoke to me yesterday...at least he knows I think he's the shit, but he also knows I'm nuts, just like Liz Lemmon, Too Soon! I'm probably gonna stick my head in the sand for a few days and learn my lesson and write in my old journal instead...wow...I digress]

So though I am unemployed, running out of money, not in the best health, and not sure about my next step in life or what I really want from a career, I am so very happy.

I still need to work on my soul, my spirituality seems to have been put on the back burner which honestly makes me loose a sense of self.

I had a certain identity for so long and now that that's gone, I'm kind of confused. I focus my prayers on my seriously sick friends and family members, I forget to make time to pray for myself or even to simply meditate on the word. I listened to my favorite priest's homily last Sunday and he just speaks with so much love. He's the epitome of what a priest should be. I really want to go talk to him about everything, I just need some spiritual guidance. That being said, I know God is working great things in my life, my happiness right now is coming from a place of light and love not from the temptations of the devil. So first off I need to work on my thankfulness for all of the wonderful people in my life.

I am so very loved.

It feels wonderful.

I hope they know how much they mean to me because there is not way I can properly express my gratitude for their part in my everyday life.

I hope you guys read this and know how much I love you. I know it's not easy being friends with me, but you would never know that by how y'all act. I love you.

Shiny happy people holding hands

I'm not as strong as my friends think I am. In fact, I'm not as strong as I pretend to be, though I even fool myself sometimes.

I'm needy. I'm self absorbed. I'm uncertain. I need reassurance and attention. I'm weak, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I can't really handle everything that I have to, but I go about my days with a smile and laughter. It's not a front, I am genuinely happy and I genuinely feel loved by my friends....but when I am alone or in a one-on-one setting with someone, my fragility comes out.

Recently, someone asked me if I was scared. In a moment of unbridled vulnerability, I replied, Yes.

That moment meant a lot to me because the person questioning me was also scared. Shiny happy people laughing for the world, as we do, don't always share their brokenness...or even their ability to be broken...we usually "chin up" and  work on looking put together in hopes that pretending is believing and believing is truth. 

I'm drawn to broken people, I always thought it was cuz I wanted to fix them, comfort them, but I've finally figured out my draw, my connection, is all because I'm broken too.

I never knew.

So here I am, scared and someone knows I'm scared. My cracks are becoming more apparent. Yet, no one is there to help keep my pieces from crumbling. This sounds melodramatic for poetic and analogical reasons, so don't think that I'm about to have a breakdown, cuz I'm not. I just love the thought of someone being scared with me, but in my true fashion, I can't help but think this person isn't scared and doesn't care. 

My biggest weakness is trust, I either have too much or none. And I always have the wrong amount for the wrong people. 

I am terrified. For maybe the first time in my life, I am almost completely  exposed. So many things can happen to me. I can be so hurt. So hurt.

Am I a masochist because I kind of want to be hurt? I want to know that I cared enough to really feel something. 

Right now, I want to turn my back and run away, that would be the easiest and most intelligent thing to do. It would avoid possible uncomfortable moments, possible disappointment, possible embarrassment, possible pain.....

But it would also remove the chance for possible happiness and even an opportunity to learn. 

I am almost positive that I am going to be hurt. 

Is it reckless that I choose to proceed?   

Or just hopeful? 

Everyone around, love them, love them

Put it in your hands, take it, take it

There's no time to cry, happy, happy

Put it in your heart

Where tomorrow shines

Gold and silver shine

But fools gold shines like diamonds in our eyes, thought we had a million, but baby we got nothing...

The problem with not having an anonymous blog, is that you can't write about everything. My point of starting this blog was to be open, and not hide behind things anymore. To put myself out there. So here we go, another very personal blog. I shall make it light and amusing though. Names have been based on characters in Letters to Juliette in order to protect the guilty. Though...another version of the blog could have been written and based on When in Rome....life is crazy....speaking of crazy:

May was a crazy month. I mean, I was done with class, done with solo performances, done with just about everything. I don't even remember the first two weeks really...
I had a huge take home exam that I procrastinated on finishing. I hung out with friends...a lot. I graduated...again. The final run of Navarro tour was basically my entire life, and I started talking to a couple guys. I am from the era of AOL and chat rooms; I'm good at making friends online. It's always exciting when you start talking to someone and the conversation actually is a conversation, not just a boring flow of pleasantries.
This was the case with...let's call him...Victor. He was cheerful, chatty, enthusiastic soul. There were tons of common interests between us and we could talk for hours and not get tired; so much so, we had to force ourselves to go to bed after a couple of long night chatting sessions. In person, he was charismatic, charming, funny; instantly liked by everyone. Can't think of any problem right?
So there was this other guy...Charlie...He was mysterious, you had to pull stuff out of him sometimes. Conversation wasn't as easy but still pleasant. He has cute nicknames for me, texts me good morning, checks on me during the day, laughs at my silliness and always calls me pretty. In person, he was really chill, very easy to talk to, and I was super comfortable with him.
So physical attraction is an issue too right?
Victor has this cute smile, kissable lips, long eye lashes, an all around sexy bad boy aura. He's pierced and tatted and loves Jesus...Excuse me while I wipe up my drool.... fa real though...
Charlie is just plain hot. Muscular arms, tan, good dresser.

Let's pause for a second and think about this.

Ok, moving on.
They are both Latino (mostly Mexican) and speak Spanish. Aye carumba.
They both have crappy short haircuts...What happened to full heads of hair?
So there. Now I have to pick


So I started this blog in a different place then I am finishing it. I talked my situation over with a few people and I'm having mixed feelings. Though Charlie talks to me everyday and I rarely hear from Victor, I know more about Victor and can hold a real conversation with him. Charlie tries but he's a simple guy, and if you read this regularly, you know I am far from simple. I was also told that my reason for picking Charlie wasn't good enough. I wasn't being fair to him since I clearly like Victor more.
I guess that's true, Charlie is the safe choice, I don't know where Victor stands. Picking someone cuz they are the "safe choice" and not because they excite you is a dick move.
So here it is, my romantic comedy...without much comedy and really light on the romance :-/
Doesn't the guy always do some grand gesture to prove himself to the girl?
Where is my movie moment? (Besides the first time Victor kissed me...sigh)
Sadly Victor and Charlie are just regular Joe's, working hard at menial jobs to survive, like me. The problem with romantic comedies is the the characters always have interesting occupations and apartments and seem to not have trouble with money, their schedule, or really anything. Here, in real life, I have to wade through the crappy stuff as well as their awesome qualities. I chose these two characters because in the movie, they're both good guys who want the girl. Really, she just needs to find the right one for her.
In all honestly, I think I need to move on from both of them, but it's hard to let go of Charlie's attentiveness and my attraction and connection with Victor was just so strong.
I think I might go home for a while, separate myself from them and see who  I miss more...and who misses me more. Or hopefully, I'll see that neither are worth my time. Cuz, honestly, do you think either one of them is thinking about me? Doubtful. I wish the ginger would have stuck around.

So my title is a song by Fitz and the Tantrums called Fool's Gold
I has been apropos as I find that my initial connection with people soon fades and I'm left with what I thought I had, but that was really nothing to begin with. I've been really feely and will probably write a lyrics blog soon...like my myspace days...until then here's a bit of this song...It's fitting for Victor as well as someone else from the past. And it kind of a good jam out song.

Oh, maybe I just wasn't good enough
To blow your mind, you know I've tried.
Them silver lines they cut like blades of glass
Not worth the blood we've shed for love.

So give it up, start heating, hearts have gone cold
Had enough bleed-bleeding, it's all been done before.
Give it up, start heating, hearts have gone cold
Hey now, when we gonna wake up?

...
But fools gold shines like words that make us cry
We just keep on digging, find us something better
For the next time, next time
Something better for the next time, next time