I've been lied to, I've been deceived, I've been led on, I've been jilted, I've been teased, I've been the rebound.
But today, for the first time in my life,
I had my heart broken.
There is nothing I could have done differently. As with everything I do, I loved whole heartedly. I gave of myself without concern of running out, without worry of getting hurt.
I put everything I had into this relationship. Gave all of me to him.
I proved my loyalty repeatedly.
In return I received support, companionship, hugs, laughter, and a calming presence.
I thought I had received love as well.
But now I found out that I stopped receiving love because he stopped feeling it.
I was given no reason.
I was not told a time.
But I was lied to about being loved for months. Too weak to tell me, thinking he was making it easier on me, he only made it worse and brought to fruition my deepest fear and insecurity.
I've dealt with sadness and rejection more than I can count, and I thought that was hard. Now, I wish I felt like that. What I feel now is a physical pain. Nausea, shallow breathing, brain fog, and incessant tears producing a runny nose.
I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be in public with people.
I want endless movies, hot tea, pajamas, blankets, and a friend who knows how it feels.
Either that or a lobotomy.
I know a lobotomy is extreme, but we don't have those super cool memory erasers from MIB. That would be perfection.
What good is remembering the happy memories when I don't know where the love left him?
Then there's the part of me that doesn't believe him. The part that thinks he is making his life easier by pretending to not love me so he can go away and go through school and not deal with a long distance relationship or have to worry about upsetting me.
I don't want to sound cliche, but I don't want to go through this again.
We all know my trust issues.
Getting to know people is hard for me. But even harder is letting them know me.
And how long am I going to continue loving him? Apparently until the sea runs dry, which is unfortunate for me.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Fall preview
I'm in San Antonio, we've had a relatively mild summer, but for the past two weeks, I've been sweating my behind off (oh if only that were literal). But today, we woke up to a cool breeze and 64 degrees. And so I begin...
My friends have begun to call me a hipster, to my face. Apparently, they already thought it for a while. But if sitting on the porch of this trendy, overpriced bakery, sipping my simple coffee, and nibbling on my gluten free blueberry muffin incriminates me, then I plead guilty. This is an activity that makes my soul happy. Wherever I am, when that first cold front comes in after the rain and the sky is overcast with silvery blue, you can find me sipping a hot beverage on a patio of a coffee shop. Locations and drinks have changed...a laté at PJs in old Metairie, a hot mocha at Coffee Coffee in Lakeview, a chai late & orange cranberry muffin at Rue de la Course on Magazine, Starbucks in "anywhere USA" with a pumpkin spice late, a pumpkin scone, or a pumpkin muffin, and now Bakery Lorraine with my black coffee (and a tiny drop of the forbidden dairy) and my non AIP blueberry muffin...but the warm fuzzies, the browsing of the free local art/entertainment publication, and creative juices that begin to flow have stayed the same. So let me snap an artsy shot, add a filter, and post it to Instagram with 10 hashtags and embrace my inner, or not so inner, hipster.
This, is a good morning. I will be thankful for it, though I would have preferred to sleep in, then lounge on the couch catching up on last season's shows before this season begins, finishing up some organization of my studio, and hooking up an antenna to watch some college football. Alas, I am blessed to have a job that pays me to sing and in turn steals away my Saturday mornings. I've been starting my mornings by clicking on my table side lamp when my alarm goes off and reading a devotional. Then I pray a little bit while getting dressed. I'm pretty positive it has made all the difference and got me through these first 2 weeks of teaching. Today though, I can tell the tapering of the steroids, the stress of these past few days, and inability to rest properly is starting to take a toll and my HS in beginning to flare. My diet change will take a while before it is effective and it didn't quite mesh well with the steroid leaving my system. The perfect combo would have been to star the course of steroids along with the AIP so that by the time I tapered off, I would have been well into AIP and healing. But alas, I enjoyed myself in New Orleans and will rely on prayer to get me through this upcoming rough patch. That's all in His plan anyway, I'm sure.
Let me just pause and say how at peace I feel in this moment.
Chatting/greeting fellow customers, petting their canine companions, everyone just enjoying the morning, the weather, and the charming old house converted into a bakery. My time here is about to end, 20 minutes until rehearsal.
My father has been in the hospital since Tuesday. He went to the ER complaining that he could not breathe. He was diagnosed with really bad pneumonia then it sounded like the pneumonia was caused by a mild hear attack. Now he's at another hospital with talks of a stint and then aortal replacement surgery. This whole process has not been very clear. The doctors have been confusing and my parents have been overwhelmed.
Now my dad has finally asked his brother for prayers and my uncle has recruited the whole family. Because that's what we do. So when rehearsal ends, I suppose I will spend my early evening in church. Lighting candles, spending an hour in adoration, going to confession, attending mass, and handing out brochures for my adult group. So if you are the praying type, send some up for my dad.
Now, time to sing.
Hope this weather sticks around for a bit.
My friends have begun to call me a hipster, to my face. Apparently, they already thought it for a while. But if sitting on the porch of this trendy, overpriced bakery, sipping my simple coffee, and nibbling on my gluten free blueberry muffin incriminates me, then I plead guilty. This is an activity that makes my soul happy. Wherever I am, when that first cold front comes in after the rain and the sky is overcast with silvery blue, you can find me sipping a hot beverage on a patio of a coffee shop. Locations and drinks have changed...a laté at PJs in old Metairie, a hot mocha at Coffee Coffee in Lakeview, a chai late & orange cranberry muffin at Rue de la Course on Magazine, Starbucks in "anywhere USA" with a pumpkin spice late, a pumpkin scone, or a pumpkin muffin, and now Bakery Lorraine with my black coffee (and a tiny drop of the forbidden dairy) and my non AIP blueberry muffin...but the warm fuzzies, the browsing of the free local art/entertainment publication, and creative juices that begin to flow have stayed the same. So let me snap an artsy shot, add a filter, and post it to Instagram with 10 hashtags and embrace my inner, or not so inner, hipster.
This, is a good morning. I will be thankful for it, though I would have preferred to sleep in, then lounge on the couch catching up on last season's shows before this season begins, finishing up some organization of my studio, and hooking up an antenna to watch some college football. Alas, I am blessed to have a job that pays me to sing and in turn steals away my Saturday mornings. I've been starting my mornings by clicking on my table side lamp when my alarm goes off and reading a devotional. Then I pray a little bit while getting dressed. I'm pretty positive it has made all the difference and got me through these first 2 weeks of teaching. Today though, I can tell the tapering of the steroids, the stress of these past few days, and inability to rest properly is starting to take a toll and my HS in beginning to flare. My diet change will take a while before it is effective and it didn't quite mesh well with the steroid leaving my system. The perfect combo would have been to star the course of steroids along with the AIP so that by the time I tapered off, I would have been well into AIP and healing. But alas, I enjoyed myself in New Orleans and will rely on prayer to get me through this upcoming rough patch. That's all in His plan anyway, I'm sure.
Let me just pause and say how at peace I feel in this moment.
Chatting/greeting fellow customers, petting their canine companions, everyone just enjoying the morning, the weather, and the charming old house converted into a bakery. My time here is about to end, 20 minutes until rehearsal.
My father has been in the hospital since Tuesday. He went to the ER complaining that he could not breathe. He was diagnosed with really bad pneumonia then it sounded like the pneumonia was caused by a mild hear attack. Now he's at another hospital with talks of a stint and then aortal replacement surgery. This whole process has not been very clear. The doctors have been confusing and my parents have been overwhelmed.
Now my dad has finally asked his brother for prayers and my uncle has recruited the whole family. Because that's what we do. So when rehearsal ends, I suppose I will spend my early evening in church. Lighting candles, spending an hour in adoration, going to confession, attending mass, and handing out brochures for my adult group. So if you are the praying type, send some up for my dad.
Now, time to sing.
Hope this weather sticks around for a bit.
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