Today is Wednesday, Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day. On the average Thanksgiving day, There is a Turkey, a Ham, 3-4 casseroles (such as merliton, eggplant, oyster dressing, baked macaroni...) Rice, Peas, maybe stuffed bell peppers, maybe gumbo, and a couple of pies/cheesecakes. Even if there is only 3 of us, my parents and I spend the whole day in the kitchen cooking together. In the good ole days before Katrina, we consistently found ourselves at my Aunt Gloria's house on Wednesday evening chopping seasoning that would be used to cook the next day and prepping meals to just pop into the oven the next day. we would be there till midnight, go home and come back bright and early the next day. The Thanksgiving Day parade would be on in the kitchen and Christmas music would be sounding down the hall from the den. We would cook cook cook till around 7 and then we would thank the good Lord for providing us with such a wonderful meal and feast on the deliciousness.
Christmas was very similar. Christmas eve was much like thanksgiving eve, we'd have the chopping party, the get pretty and go to midnight Mass at St. James. We all went to the same church, my cousin and I grew up in this church and 5 aunts/uncles lived within walking distance. After Mass we would kiss everybody Merry Christmas, go back to my Aunt Glo's house and drink egg nog. The next morning we would go to Mass again usually because I was an alter server and my Mass was always the 8am. Then much like Thanksgiving Day we went back to her house to cook and eat and be merry.
The holidays changed a little before the storm but we still tried to keep the visits even though it was at a different location. I honestly lost track of how many years things were different, but it didn't really matter because we were still together. After the storm, my parents and I didn't drive down to visit much. The first year, my brother came down for thanksgiving, it was the first time we ever had Thanksgiving at our house. It was the first year I cooked the ham, and it was a huge beautiful ham. Then for Christmas, we went up to my brothers house with my sister who flew in to visit for a while. That was interesting. New. It really felt strange though, I missed my extended family; I missed New Orleans. After getting jobs and being a church musician, leaving town for the holidays was harder to manage. The same with my brother & sister-in-law, they weren't able to travel down to us either. So the 3 of us carried on, cooking more food than necessary but always sharing it with people who couldn't go home, or didn't have family. and we'd freeze the rest. Sometimes, we'd spend so much time prepping and cooking that by the time the food was made we were too exhausted to really eat most of it. Honestly, none of that ever mattered. its the time we spent together cooking. Growing up in a big Catholic New Orleans family, you spend most of your time in the kitchen. It's where you chat, read the newspaper, play cards, and drink coffee. Most of my memories take place in my Aunt Gloria's kitchen. She passed in 2008 and I took it really hard. It was just more change. Her health had been failing for a while, but she was still the center of my holiday memories. She was really more like a grandmother to me. I spent more time at her house than my own. We couldn't help but think of her during the holidays every year after her passing. By now my parents and I had out own little traditions. They were never perfect, and sometimes things went awry, but they were ours. I began to cook the Turkey in a roaster because it made it more moist. My dad & I would have fun experimenting with the cajun injector and I started stuffing the turkey meat with a garlic/seasoning/pepper mix my dad concocted. I would get creative with the pineapple designs I made on the ham. My mom and I would try baking new recipes, such as cranberry pumpkin bread pudding. I finally learned how to make egg nog. And as is the case with my family, at some point during the day we would argue, it just happens. That stupid city finally became home.
I'm thinking about all of this because tomorrow will be my first time away from my family.
Family time has been a huge part of my life, especially during the holidays.
I've had a rough day wrapping my head around the fact that I can't be home.
It was especially hard this morning after class when all of my friends were together chatting as usual and then they were all gone, headed home to be with their families. I have an invite to someone's family dinner tomorrow, but I don't need a place to eat, its not about the food, I need my family.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
''Owning the Crazy' or 'There's Something Bad Wrong With You'
So, I've recently had an epiphany in my life, I'm nuts. 100 percent, certifiably insane.
Therefore, I have decided to embrace it.
It wasn't really a conscious decision....it was more like getting tired of suppressing my inner self.
I feel like I can not write this blog without help from others, as I don't always realize the extent of my crazy until its too late to take it back. So i will give examples of random things I do that warrant my title.
Lets start with this lovely gem...I call it a slight case of Tourettes
I randomly make sounds. I can be sitting in complete silence and the next second make a weird siren sound or yawn loudly and squeak....look I don't know, I can't explain it. The closest thing I can compare it to is when a dog is just laying down and gets bored so he makes a whiny sound and sighs.
I also do that...I sigh...loudly...usually for no reason....
While we're on the topic of dogs, I love mine. His name is Puck. Yes, Puck. No not as in "hockey puck" as in the mischief maker from A Midsummer Night's Dream. Now, if you knew my sweet little fur ball as a pup, you could see how fitting the name was for him and his interaction with my dear Jack. I am that crazy pet owner. I dress Puck up for any occasion I am able to. Mardi Gras, Christmas, Halloween, and what ever happens in between. He deals with it like a good sport and LOVES the attention he gets from people.
He was a pimp for his first Mardi Gras parade, but his best costume has been when he dressed as the Saint's quarterback Drew Brees. This was during the Saints undefeated period and he was a smashing hit at the pet parade. He got his picture taken with the king & queen of the parade and got to meet Cane of Cane's Chicken Fingers. Puck also had a puppy birthday party too, one with the family, and one where other puppies were invited. There were pup cakes make with bananas & carob icing.There was real cake for the humans in the form of a bone, delicious cake....
I name things. Yea, everyone names their cars and stuff...but I name everything. Think back t this summer...I named the dead bugs I was photographing. My first desktop was a VAIO and she was a beauty, top of the line, I named her Isabella. My first ipod = MoPod...My first Laptop = Jewel....no lie...My ipad is named Diego, he's my favorite named thing because all of my friends refer to him as Diego, I introduced him to the world as the love of my life. My phone's name is Dora, she's pretty cute too. Recently, my crazy has reached a new level, as I named a white pumpkin Casper....And I have a majestic blue orchid I named Cecilia...but naming plants is perfectly sane...There's a camellia bush in Monroe named after me and another plant somewhere in Europe bearing my name too...perfectly normal....see
Therefore, I have decided to embrace it.
It wasn't really a conscious decision....it was more like getting tired of suppressing my inner self.
I feel like I can not write this blog without help from others, as I don't always realize the extent of my crazy until its too late to take it back. So i will give examples of random things I do that warrant my title.
Lets start with this lovely gem...I call it a slight case of Tourettes
I randomly make sounds. I can be sitting in complete silence and the next second make a weird siren sound or yawn loudly and squeak....look I don't know, I can't explain it. The closest thing I can compare it to is when a dog is just laying down and gets bored so he makes a whiny sound and sighs.
I also do that...I sigh...loudly...usually for no reason....
While we're on the topic of dogs, I love mine. His name is Puck. Yes, Puck. No not as in "hockey puck" as in the mischief maker from A Midsummer Night's Dream. Now, if you knew my sweet little fur ball as a pup, you could see how fitting the name was for him and his interaction with my dear Jack. I am that crazy pet owner. I dress Puck up for any occasion I am able to. Mardi Gras, Christmas, Halloween, and what ever happens in between. He deals with it like a good sport and LOVES the attention he gets from people.
He was a pimp for his first Mardi Gras parade, but his best costume has been when he dressed as the Saint's quarterback Drew Brees. This was during the Saints undefeated period and he was a smashing hit at the pet parade. He got his picture taken with the king & queen of the parade and got to meet Cane of Cane's Chicken Fingers. Puck also had a puppy birthday party too, one with the family, and one where other puppies were invited. There were pup cakes make with bananas & carob icing.There was real cake for the humans in the form of a bone, delicious cake....
I name things. Yea, everyone names their cars and stuff...but I name everything. Think back t this summer...I named the dead bugs I was photographing. My first desktop was a VAIO and she was a beauty, top of the line, I named her Isabella. My first ipod = MoPod...My first Laptop = Jewel....no lie...My ipad is named Diego, he's my favorite named thing because all of my friends refer to him as Diego, I introduced him to the world as the love of my life. My phone's name is Dora, she's pretty cute too. Recently, my crazy has reached a new level, as I named a white pumpkin Casper....And I have a majestic blue orchid I named Cecilia...but naming plants is perfectly sane...There's a camellia bush in Monroe named after me and another plant somewhere in Europe bearing my name too...perfectly normal....see
What else do I do that is absolutely ridiculous?
When checking out in a grocery store, I place things on the belt in a very specific order. All the dry food items need to be together, all the refrigerated items, all the liquids, ect... But not in piles in straight lines....
This is a huge problem, and after being persecuted for it, I have tried to stop...now I keep like items together but I just leave them in messy piles....
I have improved quite a bit.
I've discovered that I'm fidgety when I am not 100 percent comfortable. I went to dinner with several folks and while I was happy to be there, I didn't do much talking. By the end of the meal, I had a little paper sculpture gallery consisting of contorted coaster, straw wrapper, and napkin rings. I was at lunch with a friend and I found myself constantly picking at my nails. When I'm in class or sitting on the phone, I feel the need to doodle. So apparently I have some kind of nervous tick inside of me.
I'm sure there are more things that I do...when I first thought about creating the "owning the crazy" blog I had TONS of examples but now they seem to have escaped me so i will finally post it as is...If i think of more, I'll let you know.
Friday, October 7, 2011
In the Right Place at the Right Time
If you're ever spent much time with me, you know how...queezy...I become when someone talks about a bodily ailment/surgery/accident...anything with blood. It's not the blood, it's the pain. When I watch a movie with lots of gore, what bothers me I the thought of how that must feel.
I can see severly hurt animals, dead animals, animals in surgery, animals with an eye popped out, and barely wince. My usual saying is "I don't do people"
This is why I never considered being a doctor or a nurse.
It's just not my cup of tea...I can't handle it.
My ped class discussed going to the medical school to see their collection of preserve organs. We were going to have the opportunity to see perserved human lungs, larynx, tongue, ect.
When we arrived there on Tuesday, we were in for a suprise.
(out of a class of approximately 16 seniors and grads, only 6 of us showed up)
The doctor who teaches gross anatomy and who is in charge of the donated bodies, had taken it upon himself to set up the cadaver lab for our viewing. As his class had just finished dissecting the head of the cadaver, he realized it would be the perfect opportunity for us to see the mechanics of the human body intact.
I was not sure if I could handle looking at a deceased human body. I was always greatful that I would never have to something like disect a human body and I give props to those people who can. I was worried that I would have to choose to not participate. I was also the only female and I did not want to be the stereotypical girl who could not handle it.
I took a deep breath and made a decision right there that I would be fine, and I was.
The doctors who were our "guides" were so very happy to be there. The gross anatomy guy loved teaching us and giving us the once in a lifetime opportunity to get up close and personal with the tiny muscles that give us our livelyhood. He told us to put on gloves and pointed out sections to touch.
We felt rings of the esophagus, the arytenoid cartilage, the membrane between the thyroid and cricoid cartilage, the diaphragm, the intercostal muscles, the lungs.....
We were wide eyed and soaking in the knowledge.
We knew what we were looking at, we knew how it worked.
I don't mean to speak for everyone, but I consider this to be one of my top 10 most amazing experiences, and by the look of the guys, they were also enthralled.
The vocal folds are TINY, I mean, duh. The books give you numbers, you try to imagine it inside yourself, but to actually see the crico arytenoids in an intact larynx is pure awe.
Funny, my professor asked me to tell the class about my experience the next day and I declined, but I feel like I could talk about this day for hours.
Just another reason that makes me know I made the right choice to come here.
Everything happens for a reason.
I can see severly hurt animals, dead animals, animals in surgery, animals with an eye popped out, and barely wince. My usual saying is "I don't do people"
This is why I never considered being a doctor or a nurse.
It's just not my cup of tea...I can't handle it.
My ped class discussed going to the medical school to see their collection of preserve organs. We were going to have the opportunity to see perserved human lungs, larynx, tongue, ect.
When we arrived there on Tuesday, we were in for a suprise.
(out of a class of approximately 16 seniors and grads, only 6 of us showed up)
The doctor who teaches gross anatomy and who is in charge of the donated bodies, had taken it upon himself to set up the cadaver lab for our viewing. As his class had just finished dissecting the head of the cadaver, he realized it would be the perfect opportunity for us to see the mechanics of the human body intact.
I was not sure if I could handle looking at a deceased human body. I was always greatful that I would never have to something like disect a human body and I give props to those people who can. I was worried that I would have to choose to not participate. I was also the only female and I did not want to be the stereotypical girl who could not handle it.
I took a deep breath and made a decision right there that I would be fine, and I was.
The doctors who were our "guides" were so very happy to be there. The gross anatomy guy loved teaching us and giving us the once in a lifetime opportunity to get up close and personal with the tiny muscles that give us our livelyhood. He told us to put on gloves and pointed out sections to touch.
We felt rings of the esophagus, the arytenoid cartilage, the membrane between the thyroid and cricoid cartilage, the diaphragm, the intercostal muscles, the lungs.....
We were wide eyed and soaking in the knowledge.
We knew what we were looking at, we knew how it worked.
I don't mean to speak for everyone, but I consider this to be one of my top 10 most amazing experiences, and by the look of the guys, they were also enthralled.
The vocal folds are TINY, I mean, duh. The books give you numbers, you try to imagine it inside yourself, but to actually see the crico arytenoids in an intact larynx is pure awe.
Funny, my professor asked me to tell the class about my experience the next day and I declined, but I feel like I could talk about this day for hours.
Just another reason that makes me know I made the right choice to come here.
Everything happens for a reason.
Happy Friday Everyone!
Today started out pretty nice.
I decided to have breakfast with my roommate at Einstein Brothers.
I had a pumpkin bagel with pumpkin smear. The smear was too sweet.
Then I had class, theory was enjoyable because I understood it. Pedagogy was amusing and lax, it was nice. Then I had a lovely voice lesson, made some progress.
This is when it all went awry....
I missed my bus, had to wait an hour for the next bus.
Finally got home 2 hours later and discovered that I left my keys in the apartment.
So, here I sit at a bus stop chatting with this old mexican man. He's drinking a beer and telling me about all this history of UTSA. Now I'm learning about the city wide. Fiesta that happens in March. Nice guy.
I'm on my way to Starbucks, need to entertain myself for a couple hours and I have a gift card :-)
When I get there and settle, I'll write my real blog.
I decided to have breakfast with my roommate at Einstein Brothers.
I had a pumpkin bagel with pumpkin smear. The smear was too sweet.
Then I had class, theory was enjoyable because I understood it. Pedagogy was amusing and lax, it was nice. Then I had a lovely voice lesson, made some progress.
This is when it all went awry....
I missed my bus, had to wait an hour for the next bus.
Finally got home 2 hours later and discovered that I left my keys in the apartment.
So, here I sit at a bus stop chatting with this old mexican man. He's drinking a beer and telling me about all this history of UTSA. Now I'm learning about the city wide. Fiesta that happens in March. Nice guy.
I'm on my way to Starbucks, need to entertain myself for a couple hours and I have a gift card :-)
When I get there and settle, I'll write my real blog.
Friday, September 23, 2011
"Despite the voice that says follow your stars, sometimes the best place to be is where you are...."
In case anyone is wondering what I've been up too, here's more info for ya....
UTSA Lyric Theater
Navarro
UTSA Lyric Theater
Navarro
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Anything You Want Can Be Yours At Anytime
So, I'm sitting here at school.
I had a theory test today, I didn't quite finish it but I'm not too worried about it. However, a few other people in my class are really worried.
Everyday and every uneasy situation I go through, I care less.
If it went crappy, I get mad/sad/annoyed, tweet something angry, then get over it.
I used to hold on to things.
Worry about everything.
I'm not talking about years ago, I'm talking about months.
Something just clicked in me this summer. It's not all good.
For example, I'm not caring enough.
I don't read my ped text book, I don't really study enough. I wait till the last minute to do my homework. I'm not sure what my issue is. But, quite fittingly, I don't care.
Conversely, I practice daily. I sit in the practice room for an hour going over all of my music. I don't know if I accomplish much, but it seems to stick. I know for a fact, it's not enough practice. And today, I only sang through my aria. Nothing more.
You may be wondering what the whole point of this blog is.
Well, I'm not really sure.
I just needed some happy, positive, giggly people and none were to be found. Y'all know me, I'm not really Suzie Sunshine, I usually live in a pretty dark place. I like it there, but I have come to discover that I am actually a pretty happy person.
THEREFORE
I need some positivity people!
I need some happiness
Hell, I'd even go for indifference.
Anythings better that this self loathing, brooding, pessimistic vibe that everyone is having today.
I'm so over it.
I also need a friend in school.
Just one. Everyone has found their favorite person and while the grads spend a lot of time together chatting it up, there are definite pairs. (or so it seems) I just need that one person here that I can navigate towards.
I'm not looking for a "bestie"
I already have those spots filled until death.
Like how I started this blog about how much people complained and then I ended it by complaining?
Well I may indeed be the pot calling the kettle black, but I'm at least a light grey pot...non-stick, if you will....
I had a theory test today, I didn't quite finish it but I'm not too worried about it. However, a few other people in my class are really worried.
Everyday and every uneasy situation I go through, I care less.
If it went crappy, I get mad/sad/annoyed, tweet something angry, then get over it.
I used to hold on to things.
Worry about everything.
I'm not talking about years ago, I'm talking about months.
Something just clicked in me this summer. It's not all good.
For example, I'm not caring enough.
I don't read my ped text book, I don't really study enough. I wait till the last minute to do my homework. I'm not sure what my issue is. But, quite fittingly, I don't care.
Conversely, I practice daily. I sit in the practice room for an hour going over all of my music. I don't know if I accomplish much, but it seems to stick. I know for a fact, it's not enough practice. And today, I only sang through my aria. Nothing more.
You may be wondering what the whole point of this blog is.
Well, I'm not really sure.
I just needed some happy, positive, giggly people and none were to be found. Y'all know me, I'm not really Suzie Sunshine, I usually live in a pretty dark place. I like it there, but I have come to discover that I am actually a pretty happy person.
THEREFORE
I need some positivity people!
I need some happiness
Hell, I'd even go for indifference.
Anythings better that this self loathing, brooding, pessimistic vibe that everyone is having today.
I'm so over it.
I also need a friend in school.
Just one. Everyone has found their favorite person and while the grads spend a lot of time together chatting it up, there are definite pairs. (or so it seems) I just need that one person here that I can navigate towards.
I'm not looking for a "bestie"
I already have those spots filled until death.
Like how I started this blog about how much people complained and then I ended it by complaining?
Well I may indeed be the pot calling the kettle black, but I'm at least a light grey pot...non-stick, if you will....
Friday, September 16, 2011
Gotta Keep Ya Head Up...
If you haven't noticed from my blog titles, I give myself theme songs for every situation. Sometimes they are stupid sappy loves songs for when I'm feeling neglected, lonely or wronged. Sometimes their sentimental and nostalgic for when I'm feeling loved and missing people. Sometimes, they are ridiculously happy positive songs, usually by Jason Mraz, reminding me that I am blessed and should be grateful and share the love. Lately, I've come to adopt Andy Grammer's Keep Your Head Up.
So, I've been living in Texas for about 5 weeks and I have already left twice. Each time I leave, coming back is even harder. I don't hate it. In fact, I am extremely happy at school. I'm content with my apartment. I have no issues with my roommate. For some reason, I still get plagued by melancholy. It always attacks me out of the blue. Usually in the morning or at night, basically whenever I am alone. This bothers me, you see, because I have always enjoyed my alone time. Currently, I spend my alone time wishing it would hurry up and end.
Whats going on:
I am playing the role of "mother" in a new children's opera based on Texas history called Navarro. It was commissioned by the opera guild and will be toured around the elementary schools in January and May. The opera makes its premiere one week from tomorrow. Its been a year since my last show so I am enjoying the process. Rehearsals have been pretty easy going. Staging went fast and with every run it gets tighter.
I am learning a lot of really nice music for my recital next year. Many of these pieces/composers are overlooked but are stunning. So here we are, I've only had 3 voice lessons and I'm already pumped about my recital that's 2 years from now.
My Music Theory class is delightful. Seriously, delightful. My teacher is quite amusing and makes me actually feel like I can get through this class without stress. No offense to any of my former theory teachers, but until now, I have never had a pleasant experience in theory class.
I am still bitter about having to take Vocal Ped again, however, my teacher makes me forget that bitterness, most of the time. He too uses a different approach to teaching ped. I will get something different from this class and when combining it with the knowledge I already have, I feel like I will be one step closer to being a competent voice teacher.
Sadly, we are not doing a fully staged opera this semester, instead, we are doing opera scenes with orchestra. But, they're not full scenes in my opinion. However, I am really excited about the part that I was given. In fact, I'm more excited that they think I am capable of playing this full role one day than the miniature section I will actually be singing. I had a coaching today on my aria and a little recit, and it was great. She pulled amazing things out of me and her words were so encouraging. She is the first person who has truly made me feel like I am on the right track. I left feeling more confident in my abilities than ever before.
I am very happy to be here. People are finally noticing me and giving me a chance. It's a new experience for me. I'm not as scared about the future and my career choice as I have been in the past. I know I am gaining the knowledge to become a good teacher and practicing the skills I need to be a good performer.
At least that's how I try to feel most of the time.
I have my insecure days, my random sad moments when I think everyone dislikes me and I actually care.
I miss my friends, I miss being able to do things and not worry about money so much. I get really lonely and unhappy with my life. I focus on certain situations, character flaws, short comings, chronic issues, and uncertainties.
And then I wonder, how can i be so happy one minute and so sad the next.
This last thought is why Mr. Grammer's song is now my ringtone. It reminds me that things do suck, but if i try to brush it off I will come out unscathed and even improved. So as I go through my quasi bi-polar days, I try to remember this:
I've been waiting on the sunset
Bills on my mindset
I can't deny they're getting high
Higher than my income
My income's breadcrumbs
I've been trying to survive
The glow that the sun gives
Right around sunset
Helps me realize
This is just a journey
Drop your worries
You are gonna turn out fine.
Oh, you'll turn out fine.
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
You gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
I know it's hard, know it's hard,
To remember sometimes,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
I've got my hands in my pockets,
Kickin' these rocks.
It's kinda hard to watch this life go by.
I'm buyin' in the skeptics,
Skeptics mess with,
The confidence in my eyes
I'm seeing all the angles,
Starts to get tangled
I start to compromise
My life and the purpose.
Is it all worth it,
Am I gonna turn out fine?
Oh, you'll turn out fine.
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
You gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
I know it's hard, know it's hard,
To remember sometimes,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
Only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again.
It's a circle, circling,
Around again, it comes around again.
I say only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again.
It's a circle, circling,
Around again, it comes around
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
So, I've been living in Texas for about 5 weeks and I have already left twice. Each time I leave, coming back is even harder. I don't hate it. In fact, I am extremely happy at school. I'm content with my apartment. I have no issues with my roommate. For some reason, I still get plagued by melancholy. It always attacks me out of the blue. Usually in the morning or at night, basically whenever I am alone. This bothers me, you see, because I have always enjoyed my alone time. Currently, I spend my alone time wishing it would hurry up and end.
Whats going on:
I am playing the role of "mother" in a new children's opera based on Texas history called Navarro. It was commissioned by the opera guild and will be toured around the elementary schools in January and May. The opera makes its premiere one week from tomorrow. Its been a year since my last show so I am enjoying the process. Rehearsals have been pretty easy going. Staging went fast and with every run it gets tighter.
I am learning a lot of really nice music for my recital next year. Many of these pieces/composers are overlooked but are stunning. So here we are, I've only had 3 voice lessons and I'm already pumped about my recital that's 2 years from now.
My Music Theory class is delightful. Seriously, delightful. My teacher is quite amusing and makes me actually feel like I can get through this class without stress. No offense to any of my former theory teachers, but until now, I have never had a pleasant experience in theory class.
I am still bitter about having to take Vocal Ped again, however, my teacher makes me forget that bitterness, most of the time. He too uses a different approach to teaching ped. I will get something different from this class and when combining it with the knowledge I already have, I feel like I will be one step closer to being a competent voice teacher.
Sadly, we are not doing a fully staged opera this semester, instead, we are doing opera scenes with orchestra. But, they're not full scenes in my opinion. However, I am really excited about the part that I was given. In fact, I'm more excited that they think I am capable of playing this full role one day than the miniature section I will actually be singing. I had a coaching today on my aria and a little recit, and it was great. She pulled amazing things out of me and her words were so encouraging. She is the first person who has truly made me feel like I am on the right track. I left feeling more confident in my abilities than ever before.
I am very happy to be here. People are finally noticing me and giving me a chance. It's a new experience for me. I'm not as scared about the future and my career choice as I have been in the past. I know I am gaining the knowledge to become a good teacher and practicing the skills I need to be a good performer.
At least that's how I try to feel most of the time.
I have my insecure days, my random sad moments when I think everyone dislikes me and I actually care.
I miss my friends, I miss being able to do things and not worry about money so much. I get really lonely and unhappy with my life. I focus on certain situations, character flaws, short comings, chronic issues, and uncertainties.
And then I wonder, how can i be so happy one minute and so sad the next.
This last thought is why Mr. Grammer's song is now my ringtone. It reminds me that things do suck, but if i try to brush it off I will come out unscathed and even improved. So as I go through my quasi bi-polar days, I try to remember this:
I've been waiting on the sunset
Bills on my mindset
I can't deny they're getting high
Higher than my income
My income's breadcrumbs
I've been trying to survive
The glow that the sun gives
Right around sunset
Helps me realize
This is just a journey
Drop your worries
You are gonna turn out fine.
Oh, you'll turn out fine.
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
You gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
I know it's hard, know it's hard,
To remember sometimes,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
I've got my hands in my pockets,
Kickin' these rocks.
It's kinda hard to watch this life go by.
I'm buyin' in the skeptics,
Skeptics mess with,
The confidence in my eyes
I'm seeing all the angles,
Starts to get tangled
I start to compromise
My life and the purpose.
Is it all worth it,
Am I gonna turn out fine?
Oh, you'll turn out fine.
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
You gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
I know it's hard, know it's hard,
To remember sometimes,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
Only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again.
It's a circle, circling,
Around again, it comes around again.
I say only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again.
It's a circle, circling,
Around again, it comes around
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Put another 'x' on the calendar, Summer's on it's deathbed. There is simply nothing worse than knowing how it ends...
I've been crazy vocal via social network lately, I'm not sure why, maybe cuz I'm not surrounded by my peeps and I feel the need to share every silly thought, every frustration, every happy purchase, .......just a bunch of ridiculousness really. I preface this post with that because if you follow me via (insert any social network name here cuz I probably have it) then you may be very aware of whats been going on.
However, if you just love to read me droning on about my days of wonderful mediocrity than please do continue to read.
As all incoming graduate students in the majority of the universities around the country, I too had to take placement exams yesterday. History proves that I am a horrible test taker. I freak out while studying, I retain nothing, and have trouble not hyperventilating. For these 4 exams I pulled all necessary materials needed to study and brought them with me to BR this summer. I even purchased extra books to attempt to learn things i may not have covered the first time around. I carried my books to work, clocked out early to study, brought flashcards to go through while waiting in line for a spot in Zumba, and spent my Friday nights at home, organizing my study materials. Then came my cousin's wedding.... Studying went on the back burner and my wedding preparations took over.
After the wedding things were yet again hectic, i cant remember why, exactly. I know I was sick a lot. I slept a lot. I worked late a lot. I spend many a night in, drinking wine and reading a novel. And then when I felt ok, I enjoyed life, and the company of my cousins and closest friends.....hmmmm
Seems like I forgot all about studying.
Thus far, I had only studied pedagogy. I decided that I could not go into this program already having a masters and fail these tests. However, when it comes to theory, I have to be actively "practicing" for months to even be mediocre. So, I already gave up on doing well in that subject. History, I was not worried about. Diction, I needed to refresh my memory, but i felt pretty confident. I SHOULD know diction, it is a skill I need in life. If I did bad in diction, it wouldn't say much for my abilities.
So pedagogy, a class I was very comfortable with, very confident in my knowledge and actually enjoy. I did not want to fail this test so it took priority.
Life happened...moving/packing/moving/displacement/unpacking...this was 2 weeks of my life, then all of a sudden my exams were in 4 days and i needed to run to New Orleans for a doctors appointment.
(I know there are doctors in SA, I like her, her tech, and the nurses, I needed to be there)
I tried studying in the car ride. I looked over my F&A book to re-internalized Sonata form, I read over my outlines from my first semester of historical survey, I read through my handy dandy portable IPA flip book. As for Ped, I decided to not try to learn anything "new" and to just focus on the things i already know & the things i know I have trouble with. I spend a ton of time trying to understand "formants" and the rest re-learning origin/insertion points and jobs of the abdominal muscles.
As it got later and later on Friday night, my stomach grew tighter and tighter. Thankfully I got reassurance, words of wisdom, and confidence boosters from a few wonderful people. And i'm sure prayer helped, I asked several people who are tight with the "big guy" to say some prayers for me since I'm sure He gets way tired of hearing me complain and whine about frivolousness....My spiritual relationship with God is like the boy who cried wolf.
So instead of staying up all night to touch on all the topics i didn't go over, I decided to sleep.
I thought about it, what was I really afraid of? I was afraid of my pride being hurt.
I have studied all necessary topics to earn a MM, I have been tested and proved to be proficient.
I should not have to "study" for these tests, I should know the information. And if i don't know it or have forgotten things so completely, then i should have to review it.
With these thoughts and nice hot shower, I went to bed, and i was out.
I was so proud of myself. I did not freak out AT ALL. I was as calm as a cucumber all day. Went from test to test. Confident and not giving up. when i came to things i wasn't sure of I moved on and came back later. I knew I failed the ped. After looking at the questions, I knew it was hopeless. So i decided to proved my solid knowledge in the sections I could, answered others vaguely, and left a few blank.
(my only frustration came from things that I know i learned but forgot to review, wasted points)
I sailed through history, praising Dr. James Boldin for his thoroughness in teaching and excitement for the subject he taught. It always feels good to know exactly want you need to know without hesitation.
I laughed during the theory exam, that's how bad I was it.
Summary of the day: SUCCESS!!! I didn't vomit, cry, shake, or freak out AT ALL!!!
I was social, spoke to all these new people I don't care to meet, I was friendly and talkative.
I was proud of myself.
So even though I failed half of my exams, I feel like I walked away from this experience bettered by it.
So, here is the end of my freedom, I have 2 more days, well....not even 2 more days.....
Tomorrow I have to register, I have to practice, Tuesday I have auditions for the TBA opera production, I have to practice, Wednesday classes begin......
......so back to the song I quoted as my title, saying goodbye to my freedom...and other things...
"Put another 'x' on the calendar, Summer's on it's deathbed. There is simply nothing worse than knowing how it ends..."
However, if you just love to read me droning on about my days of wonderful mediocrity than please do continue to read.
As all incoming graduate students in the majority of the universities around the country, I too had to take placement exams yesterday. History proves that I am a horrible test taker. I freak out while studying, I retain nothing, and have trouble not hyperventilating. For these 4 exams I pulled all necessary materials needed to study and brought them with me to BR this summer. I even purchased extra books to attempt to learn things i may not have covered the first time around. I carried my books to work, clocked out early to study, brought flashcards to go through while waiting in line for a spot in Zumba, and spent my Friday nights at home, organizing my study materials. Then came my cousin's wedding.... Studying went on the back burner and my wedding preparations took over.
After the wedding things were yet again hectic, i cant remember why, exactly. I know I was sick a lot. I slept a lot. I worked late a lot. I spend many a night in, drinking wine and reading a novel. And then when I felt ok, I enjoyed life, and the company of my cousins and closest friends.....hmmmm
Seems like I forgot all about studying.
Thus far, I had only studied pedagogy. I decided that I could not go into this program already having a masters and fail these tests. However, when it comes to theory, I have to be actively "practicing" for months to even be mediocre. So, I already gave up on doing well in that subject. History, I was not worried about. Diction, I needed to refresh my memory, but i felt pretty confident. I SHOULD know diction, it is a skill I need in life. If I did bad in diction, it wouldn't say much for my abilities.
So pedagogy, a class I was very comfortable with, very confident in my knowledge and actually enjoy. I did not want to fail this test so it took priority.
Life happened...moving/packing/moving/displacement/unpacking...this was 2 weeks of my life, then all of a sudden my exams were in 4 days and i needed to run to New Orleans for a doctors appointment.
(I know there are doctors in SA, I like her, her tech, and the nurses, I needed to be there)
I tried studying in the car ride. I looked over my F&A book to re-internalized Sonata form, I read over my outlines from my first semester of historical survey, I read through my handy dandy portable IPA flip book. As for Ped, I decided to not try to learn anything "new" and to just focus on the things i already know & the things i know I have trouble with. I spend a ton of time trying to understand "formants" and the rest re-learning origin/insertion points and jobs of the abdominal muscles.
As it got later and later on Friday night, my stomach grew tighter and tighter. Thankfully I got reassurance, words of wisdom, and confidence boosters from a few wonderful people. And i'm sure prayer helped, I asked several people who are tight with the "big guy" to say some prayers for me since I'm sure He gets way tired of hearing me complain and whine about frivolousness....My spiritual relationship with God is like the boy who cried wolf.
So instead of staying up all night to touch on all the topics i didn't go over, I decided to sleep.
I thought about it, what was I really afraid of? I was afraid of my pride being hurt.
I have studied all necessary topics to earn a MM, I have been tested and proved to be proficient.
I should not have to "study" for these tests, I should know the information. And if i don't know it or have forgotten things so completely, then i should have to review it.
With these thoughts and nice hot shower, I went to bed, and i was out.
I was so proud of myself. I did not freak out AT ALL. I was as calm as a cucumber all day. Went from test to test. Confident and not giving up. when i came to things i wasn't sure of I moved on and came back later. I knew I failed the ped. After looking at the questions, I knew it was hopeless. So i decided to proved my solid knowledge in the sections I could, answered others vaguely, and left a few blank.
(my only frustration came from things that I know i learned but forgot to review, wasted points)
I sailed through history, praising Dr. James Boldin for his thoroughness in teaching and excitement for the subject he taught. It always feels good to know exactly want you need to know without hesitation.
I laughed during the theory exam, that's how bad I was it.
Summary of the day: SUCCESS!!! I didn't vomit, cry, shake, or freak out AT ALL!!!
I was social, spoke to all these new people I don't care to meet, I was friendly and talkative.
I was proud of myself.
So even though I failed half of my exams, I feel like I walked away from this experience bettered by it.
So, here is the end of my freedom, I have 2 more days, well....not even 2 more days.....
Tomorrow I have to register, I have to practice, Tuesday I have auditions for the TBA opera production, I have to practice, Wednesday classes begin......
......so back to the song I quoted as my title, saying goodbye to my freedom...and other things...
"Put another 'x' on the calendar, Summer's on it's deathbed. There is simply nothing worse than knowing how it ends..."
Friday, August 12, 2011
Now you want to play And then it`s no And when you say you`ll stay That`s when you go You`re undecided now So what are you gonna do?
Looks like my blogging is as bad as my journaling. In fact, I am currently journaling more often. Its almost a lost art. Like pen pals. I used to love having a pen pal. Getting a letter in the mail address especially to you and not asking for money or advertising crap you don't need or want is a great feeling. I also adore stationary and fine paper. I'm gonna bring back the art of pen pal-age. If you're interested in being my pen pal shoot me a fb message or a text and we can exchange addresses.
July was a lovely month, minus a few medical issues. I was working 40 hours a week and able to schedule my own hours however I wanted. I didn't hate my job or my co-workers. I was able to take Zumba. I took turns cooking delicious meals with my cousin. I drank a lot, but classy like, never excessive, mostly wine & wheat beer. My cousin got married; I was a bridesmaid and sang (singing is a blog in itself). I spent tons of time with different family members, mostly my triplets, and was able to see my closest friends multiple times. The highlight of it all was going to Alabama Gulf Coast Zoo to spend a half an hour up close and personal with 3 snowy Bengal tiger cubs.
I've wanted to blog about a few of the aforementioned events, but i was always exhausted or feeling ill. So, I will do a mini breakdown of those events before I write about the topic that urged me to start writing tonight.
My family loves parties. My grandparents had 6 children, 4 boys and 5 girls. Between siblings, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, aunts, and uncles, the house was always full. This has been carried on to my dozens of cousins. Needless to say, we love a good wedding. Food, drink, music, and dancing.
The St. Charles Streetcar Band was live entertainment for the wedding. It's my uncle's band, their big season is Mardi Gras because they ride along the parade route in a wooden streetcar playing oldies and a little jazz. The family fondly refers to him as Uncle Sax. I've always felt really close to him because he is both a musician and an artist. He raised 6 kids, sending them all to catholic schools, by living on his arts. When I worry about the career path I chose, I think about him. If he could do it with a huge family, I too will get by.
We went to Gulf Shores with little to no planning for the sole purpose of spending $50 to play with baby tigers. Shiva, Tibet, & Mohan. I've always wanted to work with big animals so I was extremely excited to cuddle with these babies. Their color made me even more excited because I grew up loving Suri the white tiger from Audubon Zoo. Of course, the female decided she wasted to practice her hunting skills on me. She repeatedly attacked me, and was quite sneaky about it. Still cute though. The scars were well worth it.
Stephanie's favorite animal is the Lemur which only cost $10 to encounter. There were four 3 month old soft, cuddly, energetic lemurs. They were pouncing around the enclosure using our shoulders as levers and eating treats from out hands.
The sad part about Gulf Shores was that it rained all day. We were right by the beach and couldn't bask in the sun and lay on the sand. At breakfast time, it looked like a hurricane was coming through. The sun came out around 6:45 when we were shopping at the outlet mall miles away from the cost. It was a very enjoyable trip anyway. A very expensive little overnight trip.
My last little goodbye was supposed to be a group of is going to Latin night. Stephanie loves dancing salsa, meringue, and others. Alex and Rebecca like to dance as well. I like to dance, but despite my appearance I'm not very good at Latin dances. Anyway we got all dressed up and went to this really cool wine place in the warehouse district called W.I.N.O. (wine institute of new Orleans)
It's a nice place to go for wine tasting because you can buy wine by the glass, half glass, or ounce. It's self serve wine dispensers and there is cheese, breads, olives, and various dips available to purchase to eat with your wine. There was a very nice atmosphere, clam and relaxed. It can get a little pricey, but no more than going out got dinner. (and personally, going to dinner gets old) I wish I had discovered this place before, I love it. After wino we decided to go back to Toni's house and play Headbands, but the tiredness took hold of us soon.
July was a lovely month, minus a few medical issues. I was working 40 hours a week and able to schedule my own hours however I wanted. I didn't hate my job or my co-workers. I was able to take Zumba. I took turns cooking delicious meals with my cousin. I drank a lot, but classy like, never excessive, mostly wine & wheat beer. My cousin got married; I was a bridesmaid and sang (singing is a blog in itself). I spent tons of time with different family members, mostly my triplets, and was able to see my closest friends multiple times. The highlight of it all was going to Alabama Gulf Coast Zoo to spend a half an hour up close and personal with 3 snowy Bengal tiger cubs.
I've wanted to blog about a few of the aforementioned events, but i was always exhausted or feeling ill. So, I will do a mini breakdown of those events before I write about the topic that urged me to start writing tonight.
My family loves parties. My grandparents had 6 children, 4 boys and 5 girls. Between siblings, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, aunts, and uncles, the house was always full. This has been carried on to my dozens of cousins. Needless to say, we love a good wedding. Food, drink, music, and dancing.
The St. Charles Streetcar Band was live entertainment for the wedding. It's my uncle's band, their big season is Mardi Gras because they ride along the parade route in a wooden streetcar playing oldies and a little jazz. The family fondly refers to him as Uncle Sax. I've always felt really close to him because he is both a musician and an artist. He raised 6 kids, sending them all to catholic schools, by living on his arts. When I worry about the career path I chose, I think about him. If he could do it with a huge family, I too will get by.
We went to Gulf Shores with little to no planning for the sole purpose of spending $50 to play with baby tigers. Shiva, Tibet, & Mohan. I've always wanted to work with big animals so I was extremely excited to cuddle with these babies. Their color made me even more excited because I grew up loving Suri the white tiger from Audubon Zoo. Of course, the female decided she wasted to practice her hunting skills on me. She repeatedly attacked me, and was quite sneaky about it. Still cute though. The scars were well worth it.
Stephanie's favorite animal is the Lemur which only cost $10 to encounter. There were four 3 month old soft, cuddly, energetic lemurs. They were pouncing around the enclosure using our shoulders as levers and eating treats from out hands.
The sad part about Gulf Shores was that it rained all day. We were right by the beach and couldn't bask in the sun and lay on the sand. At breakfast time, it looked like a hurricane was coming through. The sun came out around 6:45 when we were shopping at the outlet mall miles away from the cost. It was a very enjoyable trip anyway. A very expensive little overnight trip.
My last little goodbye was supposed to be a group of is going to Latin night. Stephanie loves dancing salsa, meringue, and others. Alex and Rebecca like to dance as well. I like to dance, but despite my appearance I'm not very good at Latin dances. Anyway we got all dressed up and went to this really cool wine place in the warehouse district called W.I.N.O. (wine institute of new Orleans)
It's a nice place to go for wine tasting because you can buy wine by the glass, half glass, or ounce. It's self serve wine dispensers and there is cheese, breads, olives, and various dips available to purchase to eat with your wine. There was a very nice atmosphere, clam and relaxed. It can get a little pricey, but no more than going out got dinner. (and personally, going to dinner gets old) I wish I had discovered this place before, I love it. After wino we decided to go back to Toni's house and play Headbands, but the tiredness took hold of us soon.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
“The Legend of the Gil Curse” or “ The Luck o’ the Gil’s”
Well, I’m not really going to tell you a story, I’m tired. However, I am going to give you a bit of a background story. My dear dear cousins of a similar Gil persuasion often refer to “the Gil luck” or “the Gil curse.” I tend to roll my eyes when things are being blamed on such a silly notion because I find that we Gil’s as a whole are pretty fortunate people. We are not rich, and things don’t come easy, but we have a huge loving family that actually gets along, for the most part. Today, however, I have come to believe that there is some truth in the “the Gil curse.”
Sunday, we received a call telling us that a new Carpet was being installed in our apartment to be. Great thing, right? Well. Yes, but, we were told we could not move in until Friday and we were scheduled to move in on Wednesday. Our moving truck was already reserved to be picked up on Tuesday and dropped off on Friday. So, we called the apartment manager back and told her about our predicament. They were so very sweet and accommodating. She told us we would be priority and they would do our apartment first and we could definitely move our furniture in by Wednesday evening. Problem resolved.
Tuesday, bright and early, Budget regrets to inform us that they do not have the truck we reserved at the location. So, they told us they would hunt down a truck and would call us back when they procured one. I had arranged a couple of friends to help with the moving of heavy objects during that morning as they were going to be busy that evening. Not to mention, it’s ridiculously hot in Monroe and the humidity takes your breath away. So we sat around and waited. I was feeling ill since I woke up so I took a nap. Four hours later, at the hottest part of the day, Budget finds us a truck. We ordered a 14 foot, they only had a 22 available. Thankfully we did not have to pay extra, as it was their fault. This put us way behind schedule, and the heat was pure misery. I also was only able to find one of my helpers. I could go on about how much things sucked but it is not interesting. The point is that between these events and me getting dizzy and feeling like I was gonna puke, we were very much behind schedule.
Next problem was being behind schedule. Truck not completely loaded till Wednesday. Linsy & Madonna are in San Antonio, their belongings are still in Monroe. Let’s just go ahead and skip to today.
Our belongings surfaced around 1pm. Our carpet was done, there were only a few minor repairs left and a few wet patches of paint on the walls. So as we are about to begin unloading our belongings, the maintenance man walks in to check on our water. He goes into my room (I have a sink/vanity) and a few minutes later he hurriedly walks out declaring that we have a really big problem. I gingerly walk to my room thinking, maybe my water is not working and deciding that it would not be the end of the world. Unfortunately, I find the exact opposite. Water is spewing from the pipe under the cabinet directly onto my new carpet. He has to leave the building to turn the main water supply off. The water finally stops pouring out, 6 gallons later. Now, ¾ of my room’s carpet is completely saturated with water.
We are also losing the space of a whole bedroom and closet. Our apartment now looks like a sardine can. All of our stuff is piled into Linsy’s bedroom and the living room. It is awful. The carpet cleaner came and got rid of the water, and cleaned the carpet, but he had to remove the under padding (I don’t know what it’s called). So, now we not only have to wait for maintenance to fix the little odd jobs around the apartment, we also have to wait for them to redo the entire carpet in my room. We were originally being allowed to move in tomorrow after 4pm. We have no clue when we can get in there now. Maybe Saturday......I sure do hope so.
We are also losing the space of a whole bedroom and closet. Our apartment now looks like a sardine can. All of our stuff is piled into Linsy’s bedroom and the living room. It is awful. The carpet cleaner came and got rid of the water, and cleaned the carpet, but he had to remove the under padding (I don’t know what it’s called). So, now we not only have to wait for maintenance to fix the little odd jobs around the apartment, we also have to wait for them to redo the entire carpet in my room. We were originally being allowed to move in tomorrow after 4pm. We have no clue when we can get in there now. Maybe Saturday......I sure do hope so.
So, I am beginning to believe in this “Gil luck.” I can not, however, fully endorse it. Behind every problem I listed was a silver lining. The most striking one being: If we were not behind schedule, my stuff would have been moved in my room on Wednesday. The problem with the pipe would have been discovered today and all of my belongings would have been ruined. Another silver lining: I have an awesome friend who opened up his home to us until we can move into our own. Lastly, the management and staff at our complex are so very kind and caring. I think everything is going to turn out fine. It’s just going to take longer than anticipated.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Now I was sitting waiting wishing That you believed in superstitions Then maybe you'd see the signs
I'm sitting in books-a-million to use their wi-fi and soak up the a/c. To my left there is a table full of people that appears to be a book club. After about 10 minutes, I realized that they all seemed to have some sort of mental handicap, mostly down syndrome. I instantly had the urge to go sit at their table. Then I remembered how I am always drawn to people with special needs. For a person like me who doesn't really like people, I find it strange that I want to make connections with people are hard hard to connect with. For 8 years I have toyed with the idea of music therapy. I have changed my mind back and forth to whether or not I wanted to study this. I went as far as taking abnormal psychology as a preparatory measure of avoiding prerequisites. Now, I am moving on to my next academic endeavor and it is still not MT. I've decided that I'm just lazy. There is no reason why I couldn't have applied to Loyola for MMT along with the 8 other programs. I applied for a doctoral program I wasn't ready for as well as a masters program in a city I didn't want to move to, yet I didn't apply to a school I love, in a city I love, to a program I've considered for years. That equals lazy or scared; maybe I'm a bit of both. I want to be their friend. I want to win their trust. I guess I'm drawn to them because I have trust issues with the average person. These people wear their feelings on their sleeve. They tell you exactly what they are thinking, their affection is genuine, and you would never know how bad they have it in life because having life is enough for them. Maybe I'm a bit jealous. Society doesn't expect much from them so when they accomplish anything, its a great thing. Talking to or watching the interactions of a mentally challenged individual always (I can't help but sound a bit cliche) tugs at my heart. I get teary or feel things in the pit of my stomach.
I've always felt that I was "called" to do something. I considered the religious life for a while but never shared that with anyone until my 4th year in college when a close friend expressed similar interests. I signed up on this vocation website to help me find an order that would suit me. I had phone calls and meetings with a couple of sisters and even filled out an application to do a year of service as a lay person under the sisters of charity in St. Louis Missouri. She was really recruiting me, and I know she would have chosen me if I continued the process. Instead I started my MM. My excuses for not joining a religious community are varied. I'm too vain, I'm too materialistic, I too lush, I don't pray enough, too much of hopeless romantic, I don't trust enough. But my main reason was music. What would my service be? I can not play any instrument. I don't want to teach. So i continue to push that thought away. But I realized a sister who was an MT would have many service opportunities. So am I pushing my correct path away because I am too lazy to follow through with it and too in love with the idea of being in love. I don't know, I feel like I'm too much of a crappy person to be in the religious life, even though i know a TON of really ugly evil people who claim to live the religious life. I can't be like that, I'm not a hypocrite. Anyway, for now I'm going to study ped and push my strong affections for the mentally challenged to the back burner. Maybe more will be revealed in time.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
I'm Buggin' Out
It's a Friday night in Baton Rouge. I have just finished washing and hanging laundry to dry. It's 1:45 am, so technically its Saturday morning. Either way, I don't understand why I'm sitting here alone writing a blog instead of at the club with my cousin.
Truth is, while I would have loved to get all dressed up with dark make-up and my hot new heels, I'm perfectly content. I'm listening to this awesome new playlist I made that is so uniquely me I could scream with excitement. It's so random, eclectic and wonderful. It
includes some currently popular music such as Usher's "DJ got us falling in love," several Adele selections, Panic! At the Disco, & The Script. Others are old favorites that make me long for a dance partner with the same crazy taste in music: Van Morrison's "Into the Mystic," The Temptation's "I Wish It Would Rain," Three Dog Night's "Never Been to Spain," and, home girl, Irma Thomas' rendition of "It's Raining." Other random songs/artists span from the 70s-00s Kajagoogoo, The Temper Trap, Night Ranger, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Foreigner, Louis Prima, The Flaming Lips, One Republic, Scissor Sisters.......the list goes on for 3.5 wonderful hours of music that would never find a niche on any fm or xm radio station....not even Pandora.
So, while I would love to be "out" and acting my age, having fun, I'm not.
Truth is, I don't really like going to Latin night. Music does move me to dance and Latin beats can be infectious, but it just doesn't do it for me. (neither do the grabby Latin men who can't/don't speak English...I don't mean to hate on my heritage, and I'm not racist, I'm just picky and don't like strangers touching me, as usual, I digress) You know what does? Stupid 80s music, Oldies, & Soul. I love weddings cuz they always play the best slow songs to dance to. When some Sam Cooke or Otis Redding song is being played, I can hardly stay in my seat. Problem: you need a partner for such dancing. My last wedding date was perfect, he liked dancing to the good old songs the band played, but it's that time again, and I have no wedding date in sight. I've come to realize my life is truly in Monroe. I basically became who I am in Monroe, made the most sincere ties with people in Monroe (there are very few exceptions) So anyone who I could get as a wedding date is 300 miles away from the New Orleans Wedding....and lemme tell ya, no one does a wedding like a New Orleans family. Open Bar, lots of hearty food, kicking music....The most frustrating part is that I don't need a romantic wedding date, I just need someone who will dance with me so I don't have to sit at the table when amazing music like "Night Train" & "Europa" is being played by my uncle's band. I have a friend down here I would ask, but he seems to be ignoring me as he has not replied to the last 2 forms of communication I attempted. (about to get deleted from my life, and we were helluh close) Thus, here we are, 15 days till the wedding and I'm stuck stag.
So as I said, I'm happy right now, completely at peace....if only I could listen to this music at work without annoying ear phones. AH WORK....and so we've made it to the blog's tittle. I work in LSU's Entomology Department. What do I know about Entomology you ask? Not a darn thing. Thankfully, my job is super cool and requires no knowledge of bugs. I simply (sometimes not so simply) take pictures of the insects with a supercool microscope camera. It's sooooo cool, really it is. The program allows you to take multiple shots of the specimen at different focus points and it sticks them all together. Ideally, this makes every section of the tiny bug in perfect focus. I am quite nerdy enough to think this job is pretty great. I'm weird enough that I nick-name some of the buggies and talk to them during their glamour shots. It's not all sunshine and daisies though. For example, Today, I spent the better part 5/6 hours trying to get shots of ONE bug. The shinier and crater filled they are the harder it is to set the correct lighting. So today was a bad day, but I'm not discouraged, I have 5 more weeks of this and many more shiny buggies.
Life is pretty decent right now. I miss people, but I would miss them even if I was still in Funroe. As I've been typing for an hour....I should get some rest, we're going to the farmer's market tomorrow. They have artsy items on the first of the month so I'm pretty excited. Sorry I took so long to post (my 2 faithful readers), I will improve this month.
Over & Out
Moster
Truth is, while I would have loved to get all dressed up with dark make-up and my hot new heels, I'm perfectly content. I'm listening to this awesome new playlist I made that is so uniquely me I could scream with excitement. It's so random, eclectic and wonderful. It
includes some currently popular music such as Usher's "DJ got us falling in love," several Adele selections, Panic! At the Disco, & The Script. Others are old favorites that make me long for a dance partner with the same crazy taste in music: Van Morrison's "Into the Mystic," The Temptation's "I Wish It Would Rain," Three Dog Night's "Never Been to Spain," and, home girl, Irma Thomas' rendition of "It's Raining." Other random songs/artists span from the 70s-00s Kajagoogoo, The Temper Trap, Night Ranger, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Foreigner, Louis Prima, The Flaming Lips, One Republic, Scissor Sisters.......the list goes on for 3.5 wonderful hours of music that would never find a niche on any fm or xm radio station....not even Pandora.
So, while I would love to be "out" and acting my age, having fun, I'm not.
Truth is, I don't really like going to Latin night. Music does move me to dance and Latin beats can be infectious, but it just doesn't do it for me. (neither do the grabby Latin men who can't/don't speak English...I don't mean to hate on my heritage, and I'm not racist, I'm just picky and don't like strangers touching me, as usual, I digress) You know what does? Stupid 80s music, Oldies, & Soul. I love weddings cuz they always play the best slow songs to dance to. When some Sam Cooke or Otis Redding song is being played, I can hardly stay in my seat. Problem: you need a partner for such dancing. My last wedding date was perfect, he liked dancing to the good old songs the band played, but it's that time again, and I have no wedding date in sight. I've come to realize my life is truly in Monroe. I basically became who I am in Monroe, made the most sincere ties with people in Monroe (there are very few exceptions) So anyone who I could get as a wedding date is 300 miles away from the New Orleans Wedding....and lemme tell ya, no one does a wedding like a New Orleans family. Open Bar, lots of hearty food, kicking music....The most frustrating part is that I don't need a romantic wedding date, I just need someone who will dance with me so I don't have to sit at the table when amazing music like "Night Train" & "Europa" is being played by my uncle's band. I have a friend down here I would ask, but he seems to be ignoring me as he has not replied to the last 2 forms of communication I attempted. (about to get deleted from my life, and we were helluh close) Thus, here we are, 15 days till the wedding and I'm stuck stag.
So as I said, I'm happy right now, completely at peace....if only I could listen to this music at work without annoying ear phones. AH WORK....and so we've made it to the blog's tittle. I work in LSU's Entomology Department. What do I know about Entomology you ask? Not a darn thing. Thankfully, my job is super cool and requires no knowledge of bugs. I simply (sometimes not so simply) take pictures of the insects with a supercool microscope camera. It's sooooo cool, really it is. The program allows you to take multiple shots of the specimen at different focus points and it sticks them all together. Ideally, this makes every section of the tiny bug in perfect focus. I am quite nerdy enough to think this job is pretty great. I'm weird enough that I nick-name some of the buggies and talk to them during their glamour shots. It's not all sunshine and daisies though. For example, Today, I spent the better part 5/6 hours trying to get shots of ONE bug. The shinier and crater filled they are the harder it is to set the correct lighting. So today was a bad day, but I'm not discouraged, I have 5 more weeks of this and many more shiny buggies.
Life is pretty decent right now. I miss people, but I would miss them even if I was still in Funroe. As I've been typing for an hour....I should get some rest, we're going to the farmer's market tomorrow. They have artsy items on the first of the month so I'm pretty excited. Sorry I took so long to post (my 2 faithful readers), I will improve this month.
Over & Out
Moster
Friday, June 3, 2011
It's 3am I must be lonely
I can't seem to sleep tonight. I'm not being plagued by any worries. I didn't have a bad day. I woke up kind of sad and lonely, but I put on my big girl panties and got over it. I had lunch/dinner with an old friend to catch up on life and to exchange birthday presents two months late. I am amazed that we are still friends, it's been an interesting and sometimes painful journey. I scratched a few things off my list, not a lot, but something important. I spent a little too much time in the company of nostalgia. I had an energizing joyful talk with my cousin/soon-to-be-roommate. She made me excited about moving, excited about what she called "liberation" and excited to soon be in the south. Southern Louisiana, where strangers strike up conversations like you're a relative. Where people don't make fun of my accent or treat me like I'm an unintelligent illiterate fool because I say the word "ask" like "axe". Where people believe everything will be better with a cup of coffee, a cold beer, or a plate of food. Where people live life and aren't so cautious about their every step. Where people are truly themselves and don't care what you think about them. Where my family is.
I never thought my family would turn into a "funeral & weddings" family. Thanks Katrina.
I grew up seeing the majority of my aunts, uncles, and cousins everyday. We all went to Mass together, we all visited at each others houses, and we were never in need of a family reunion. This past weekend I hosted a bridal shower for one of my cousins. I saw aunts and cousins that I haven't seen in years. The distance made me see them all a bit differently. I never noticed how alike my dad and his sister are. I swear, every phrase that came out of her mouth was an exact replica of my fathers speech.
Two of my closest cousins are twins. They are a several years older than me, but we have always been close, we even called ourselves triplets. These past two years I have grown so much closer to them. I love my friends in Monroe and I know many of you are on the "permanent friends list" (lol), but there's a strong bond between people who were raised the same. They know me without me having to open up because they are the same. As a person who spends most of my days feeling alienated because my way of life is so foreign, there is a great comfort that comes over me when I am with them. As you grow older, the age difference between people shrinks. We are closer now than we have ever been. I find myself spending more and more time with them when I go home instead of my friends. I will always love my friends back home, they have been with me through the most awkward transitions of life, but it's hard to incorporate the constant change with people you only see 6 times a year. Somehow, my cousins and I are the same. Please excuse my analogy as I explain. Although our backgrounds are not cookie cutter identical, we are from the same dough. We are held together and formed by the same batch of ingredients making us remarkably similar. When you spend a lot of time with the same friend(s) you begin to think alike, pull out inside jokes, even say the same thing at the same time. That makes sense, you're always together. I seldom spend more than an hour with my twin cousins yet we do the same things whenever we are together. We have some kind of bond.
That being said, they have no understanding of my goofy musician side, that's what my Monroe friends are for. I love you all for that.
I just finished reading a blog from one of my dearest and newest friends whom I never spend time with. This private blog was so personal and in-depth that I felt us growing closer by me being allowed to read it. I was touched to the point of tears.
I have a "best friend" She's been around for 15+ years. She will always be there for me and I for her. Still, I spend many days feeling alone and like no one understands me. I realize that people do understand parts of me. Each person I call a friend is one because we identify with an aspect of the others personality. We are all so complex, even though I like to think I'm not. (in my first blog, I summed myself up in two phrases...I am so much more, good and bad) I doubt anyone finds companionship with a person who is exactly the same and when it does happen it usually ends boring or disastrous. Yet we still need common interests to even begin a conversation.
As my URL alludes, these are just musings. Things that pop into my head and are better shared so that I can actually pay attention to them. Today I had no real direction, mearly hoping this will lead me to sleep.
Pleasant Dreams
Mo
I never thought my family would turn into a "funeral & weddings" family. Thanks Katrina.
I grew up seeing the majority of my aunts, uncles, and cousins everyday. We all went to Mass together, we all visited at each others houses, and we were never in need of a family reunion. This past weekend I hosted a bridal shower for one of my cousins. I saw aunts and cousins that I haven't seen in years. The distance made me see them all a bit differently. I never noticed how alike my dad and his sister are. I swear, every phrase that came out of her mouth was an exact replica of my fathers speech.
Two of my closest cousins are twins. They are a several years older than me, but we have always been close, we even called ourselves triplets. These past two years I have grown so much closer to them. I love my friends in Monroe and I know many of you are on the "permanent friends list" (lol), but there's a strong bond between people who were raised the same. They know me without me having to open up because they are the same. As a person who spends most of my days feeling alienated because my way of life is so foreign, there is a great comfort that comes over me when I am with them. As you grow older, the age difference between people shrinks. We are closer now than we have ever been. I find myself spending more and more time with them when I go home instead of my friends. I will always love my friends back home, they have been with me through the most awkward transitions of life, but it's hard to incorporate the constant change with people you only see 6 times a year. Somehow, my cousins and I are the same. Please excuse my analogy as I explain. Although our backgrounds are not cookie cutter identical, we are from the same dough. We are held together and formed by the same batch of ingredients making us remarkably similar. When you spend a lot of time with the same friend(s) you begin to think alike, pull out inside jokes, even say the same thing at the same time. That makes sense, you're always together. I seldom spend more than an hour with my twin cousins yet we do the same things whenever we are together. We have some kind of bond.
That being said, they have no understanding of my goofy musician side, that's what my Monroe friends are for. I love you all for that.
I just finished reading a blog from one of my dearest and newest friends whom I never spend time with. This private blog was so personal and in-depth that I felt us growing closer by me being allowed to read it. I was touched to the point of tears.
I have a "best friend" She's been around for 15+ years. She will always be there for me and I for her. Still, I spend many days feeling alone and like no one understands me. I realize that people do understand parts of me. Each person I call a friend is one because we identify with an aspect of the others personality. We are all so complex, even though I like to think I'm not. (in my first blog, I summed myself up in two phrases...I am so much more, good and bad) I doubt anyone finds companionship with a person who is exactly the same and when it does happen it usually ends boring or disastrous. Yet we still need common interests to even begin a conversation.
As my URL alludes, these are just musings. Things that pop into my head and are better shared so that I can actually pay attention to them. Today I had no real direction, mearly hoping this will lead me to sleep.
Pleasant Dreams
Mo
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Mommy, Wow! I'm a big kid now....
Searching for an apartment with a roommate has been a new learning experience for me. I've never looked for an apartment before, I've never lived in an apartment.....I've never even moved. Apartment searching websites intimidate me. They're hard to navigate, only give minimal information, and everything is "a great value" even when it's not. I went into the process less intimidated than I should have been. I found an apartment complex online that was cheap and seemed to be in a convenient area. Between that and discovering there were FREE apartment locators, I wasn't the least bit worried. I expected to have an application turned in by 3pm and leave the next day. Of course, nothing in life is ever that smooth.....well not my life at least.
The apartment locator proved to be a waste of time and, personally, down right discouraging. He was super nice and helpful. I'm sure most people have a great experience . But most people have steady jobs, prospective jobs, savings....you know, basically have their lives together. We are a couple of newly graduated unemployed girls from middle class families. I don't think he knew what to do with us, we had a price range and every option he gave us was above that price range. He talked down the cheap complex I researched and made us like this lovely apartment. We were sold...until the fees kept piling on...and then pet rent. We went from smiles to gloom in seconds.
I loved that apartment, as I should...it was never in my price range.
The cheap apartment complex didn't do it for me. My mom was all for it, but she doesn't have to live there. It wasn't as convenient as it looked on paper and frankly, I just didn't like it. This put me in an awful mood. I felt defeated & lost.
Hours of wasted time ensued and my anxiety level rose quite dramatically.
Once I stopped freaking out I was able to search again, though I was no help.
Without my soon to be voice teacher the rest on the day/trip would have been a disaster.
She helped me find 3 more apartments to look at that were all better than our original options. My spirits were lifted but we were basically out of time for the day.
We toured and liked all three of them, great locations, great deals. My favorite being the most expensive one of course, but we chose the one in the middle. It has a great move-in special & student discount. Not very pretty, but not shabby. Everything I could ever need and more is there within one mile. I'm pleased.
Now, just hoping that we will be approved.
This was only my second trip to San Antonio, they were both all business no play.
Hopefully I won't be ears high in school work and actually get to enjoy all the city has to offer. I'm excited again. Just made a step into my new "big girl" life. Hope all goes smoothly.
The apartment locator proved to be a waste of time and, personally, down right discouraging. He was super nice and helpful. I'm sure most people have a great experience . But most people have steady jobs, prospective jobs, savings....you know, basically have their lives together. We are a couple of newly graduated unemployed girls from middle class families. I don't think he knew what to do with us, we had a price range and every option he gave us was above that price range. He talked down the cheap complex I researched and made us like this lovely apartment. We were sold...until the fees kept piling on...and then pet rent. We went from smiles to gloom in seconds.
I loved that apartment, as I should...it was never in my price range.
The cheap apartment complex didn't do it for me. My mom was all for it, but she doesn't have to live there. It wasn't as convenient as it looked on paper and frankly, I just didn't like it. This put me in an awful mood. I felt defeated & lost.
Hours of wasted time ensued and my anxiety level rose quite dramatically.
Once I stopped freaking out I was able to search again, though I was no help.
Without my soon to be voice teacher the rest on the day/trip would have been a disaster.
She helped me find 3 more apartments to look at that were all better than our original options. My spirits were lifted but we were basically out of time for the day.
We toured and liked all three of them, great locations, great deals. My favorite being the most expensive one of course, but we chose the one in the middle. It has a great move-in special & student discount. Not very pretty, but not shabby. Everything I could ever need and more is there within one mile. I'm pleased.
Now, just hoping that we will be approved.
This was only my second trip to San Antonio, they were both all business no play.
Hopefully I won't be ears high in school work and actually get to enjoy all the city has to offer. I'm excited again. Just made a step into my new "big girl" life. Hope all goes smoothly.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
On being a Bum or "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" John Lennon
For as long as I can remember, I have a been a busy body. I've always had my hands in one activity while my feet were in another. I wasn't afraid to get up in front of people and do stuff. (for example: I was in the "jr. drama club" in 1st grade) When playing with my cousins, I always organized the games, especially when we played school. So not only did i have to be doing something, I had to be in charge. Guess its the Aries in me. My grades were never amazing. I procrastinated on everything yet wanted it to be more than perfect. An overachieving procrastinating perfectionist with an extracurricular activity for every day of the week and her head in the clouds, yep that was me throughout high school. Without exaggerating, I can tell you that I was in at least 8 organizations in high school and an officer of 2 or more every year. Needless to say, I aspired for Bs & Cs. I don't regret being a mediocre student for one second and I am thankful for my parents sacrifices to send me to good schools. Sure, had I spent as much time studying chemistry and biology as I did working on art projects and expanding my music library, I might have made NHS, received TOPS, and actually gone to Vet school. This sentence no longer conjures up regrets, but as a freshman in college it really stung.
It's safe to say that during my first 3 years of college I was not myself. I was cautious, quiet, and cared about what people thought. No longer would I just say what I was thinking, offer suggestion, or put myself out there in any way. In high school, I sang for anything and everything including pop songs at talent shows. And believe me people, I sucked. Another new development was my nearly perfect grades. Even though my only school organization was literary club and writing an occasional article for the newspaper, I remained busy. I was co-enrolled (because one school just wasn't good enough) and I planned everything. I knew what classes I was taking every semester for the next 5 years. I followed the degree plan of the school to which I hoped to transfer. I clung to my best friend, whom I had most of my classes with, and only made 3 more. Thankfully, I began to fall out of this a bit after beginning my first big girl job at a vet clinic. Unfortunately, it left residual damage. (more on this later, I know you're thrilled)
I somehow learned how to juggle (with minimal nervous breakdowns) making nearly perfect grades, working 2 - 3 jobs, being the president of organizations, and a cast member of shows. (I'm sure my vocal development suffered and that is regretable) I became some kind of hybrid of my teenage and early college-self. (residual damage alert and tense change) I am always myself, but I do sometimes worry about how I am perceived. I speak my mind, but only on things I am sure of. I sing as much as I can, but I am careful to only sing what I am good at. I love musicals but I've given up on having a role or a solo. I can count on one hand the number of times I have sung karaoke, yet every bone in my body wants to get up there and have fun. I study hard and plan plan plan, but I still spread myself out into many activities.
Then I graduated.....and for the first time in my life.....I had no plan.
(and for those of you wondering, here beings my "point")
I really hoped to work full time at my job and save up money while I figured things out but that didn't work. (of course that story is another bitter blog that lives in the silence of my heart and the ears of my friends) So, after months of filling out applications, making audition tapes, slowing going broke and whoring out my savings account, February found me basically unemployed. This was a new "first" in my life. I had no responsibilities, no bed time, no rise time. No reason to leave the house.
This, my friends, was miserable......until it wasn't.
I reluctantly discovered freedom. The little bohemian inside of me was able to thrive. I became more spontaneous. I visited my family more often. I started a blog, even if only 3 of my closest friends read it, at least I'm writing again. (subsequently, starting today, i will actually tell people that I have a blog)
I became more indulgent of every day life. I lived.
I heard that Lennon quote on a movie a couple days ago and I realized how true it was. Yes, of course we need structure and plans, but we also need room to break those plans or add in new ones. Make mistakes and move on. This brings me to the present day.
On June 19, I'm moving in with my cousin in Baton Rouge to work a full time job for 7 weeks. While there I will be closer to my family and my oldest friends. I will be able to be a better bridesmaid as the wedding date gets closer. I will be forced to hone in on my salsa/bachata/reggaeton/punta skills (or lack-there-of) among other things. Then I will briefly return to home to collect my belongings and make the trek to San Antonio. Sounds like a plan, I know, but trust me, I have left a lot of room for living.
It's safe to say that during my first 3 years of college I was not myself. I was cautious, quiet, and cared about what people thought. No longer would I just say what I was thinking, offer suggestion, or put myself out there in any way. In high school, I sang for anything and everything including pop songs at talent shows. And believe me people, I sucked. Another new development was my nearly perfect grades. Even though my only school organization was literary club and writing an occasional article for the newspaper, I remained busy. I was co-enrolled (because one school just wasn't good enough) and I planned everything. I knew what classes I was taking every semester for the next 5 years. I followed the degree plan of the school to which I hoped to transfer. I clung to my best friend, whom I had most of my classes with, and only made 3 more. Thankfully, I began to fall out of this a bit after beginning my first big girl job at a vet clinic. Unfortunately, it left residual damage. (more on this later, I know you're thrilled)
I somehow learned how to juggle (with minimal nervous breakdowns) making nearly perfect grades, working 2 - 3 jobs, being the president of organizations, and a cast member of shows. (I'm sure my vocal development suffered and that is regretable) I became some kind of hybrid of my teenage and early college-self. (residual damage alert and tense change) I am always myself, but I do sometimes worry about how I am perceived. I speak my mind, but only on things I am sure of. I sing as much as I can, but I am careful to only sing what I am good at. I love musicals but I've given up on having a role or a solo. I can count on one hand the number of times I have sung karaoke, yet every bone in my body wants to get up there and have fun. I study hard and plan plan plan, but I still spread myself out into many activities.
Then I graduated.....and for the first time in my life.....I had no plan.
(and for those of you wondering, here beings my "point")
I really hoped to work full time at my job and save up money while I figured things out but that didn't work. (of course that story is another bitter blog that lives in the silence of my heart and the ears of my friends) So, after months of filling out applications, making audition tapes, slowing going broke and whoring out my savings account, February found me basically unemployed. This was a new "first" in my life. I had no responsibilities, no bed time, no rise time. No reason to leave the house.
This, my friends, was miserable......until it wasn't.
I reluctantly discovered freedom. The little bohemian inside of me was able to thrive. I became more spontaneous. I visited my family more often. I started a blog, even if only 3 of my closest friends read it, at least I'm writing again. (subsequently, starting today, i will actually tell people that I have a blog)
I became more indulgent of every day life. I lived.
I heard that Lennon quote on a movie a couple days ago and I realized how true it was. Yes, of course we need structure and plans, but we also need room to break those plans or add in new ones. Make mistakes and move on. This brings me to the present day.
On June 19, I'm moving in with my cousin in Baton Rouge to work a full time job for 7 weeks. While there I will be closer to my family and my oldest friends. I will be able to be a better bridesmaid as the wedding date gets closer. I will be forced to hone in on my salsa/bachata/reggaeton/punta skills (or lack-there-of) among other things. Then I will briefly return to home to collect my belongings and make the trek to San Antonio. Sounds like a plan, I know, but trust me, I have left a lot of room for living.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Think Fast!!!!
I was just offered a temporary full time job.
Problem: it's in Baton Rouge. Plus: I can stay with my cousin who would actually be my boss. If I were to accept, I would have to begin in June; I just started a part time retail job in the Mall. They're are many positive points to this. I will not go into them now, just trust me. I need to make a decision really speedily as it will affect many other people.
Eeeek!! My previous concerns of the day are now quite trivial.....well they were always trivial.
Problem: it's in Baton Rouge. Plus: I can stay with my cousin who would actually be my boss. If I were to accept, I would have to begin in June; I just started a part time retail job in the Mall. They're are many positive points to this. I will not go into them now, just trust me. I need to make a decision really speedily as it will affect many other people.
Eeeek!! My previous concerns of the day are now quite trivial.....well they were always trivial.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
I won't worry my life away.....
It seems like life keeps throwing unpleasantries at you, piling them one on top the other until you think you're gonna explode. Then, quite inexplicably, you realize you're ok and you're having a good day. When you think about it closer, it's really the forth good day in a row. Somehow your quality of life improved and you didn't even realize it. That's where I am right now. A few months ago I was miserable almost every day. Recently, I noticed that I am usually cheery & thoroughly enjoying random non-monumental moments.
My happy go lucky attitude is also unusual because of the impending and current changes taking place in my life. Every two-three weeks, another friend moves away and who knows if I'll ever see these people again. Somehow I have made the best of these situations. In one case, I spent approximately 60 of 72 hours with with my friend before her departure. These last hours I've been "hanging" with my friends have been some of the best moments I've ever shared with them. Maybe that explains my joviality.
I digress.
What I really mean to be talking about is how life always becomes great right before everything changes. I experienced this during the summer of 2005. I had a great job with awesome co-workers who I now call friends. My "social life" was at an all time high. I could afford to buy things and go places. I was still tight with my high school friends. I just got a Facebook account. (ha) My piano skills were improving everyday. I was accepted to my "dream school" and was crazy nervous about beginning. Only a few month earlier, I was extremely unhappy with every aspect of my life. So when I finally realized how happy I was it was too late for me to revel in it. Katrina hit and instantly changed everything.
I feel this pattern reoccuring. I'm about to leave everyone and live farther away than I ever have. And only now am I extremely content with where I am. I have some really good friendships that need minimal upkeep because we are so comfortable with the friendship. I'm very happy with my church job (the congregation, choir members, music director, priests included). I just started working a part time mall job, so while not ideal, the extra income is very welcome. I finally feel like I have a home and not just a pit stop. One word to sum it up: Comfort. Now, i'll have to start all over again and I realize that wouldn't last if I did stay, so I'm not complaining.
Just observing. With a smile.
My happy go lucky attitude is also unusual because of the impending and current changes taking place in my life. Every two-three weeks, another friend moves away and who knows if I'll ever see these people again. Somehow I have made the best of these situations. In one case, I spent approximately 60 of 72 hours with with my friend before her departure. These last hours I've been "hanging" with my friends have been some of the best moments I've ever shared with them. Maybe that explains my joviality.
I digress.
What I really mean to be talking about is how life always becomes great right before everything changes. I experienced this during the summer of 2005. I had a great job with awesome co-workers who I now call friends. My "social life" was at an all time high. I could afford to buy things and go places. I was still tight with my high school friends. I just got a Facebook account. (ha) My piano skills were improving everyday. I was accepted to my "dream school" and was crazy nervous about beginning. Only a few month earlier, I was extremely unhappy with every aspect of my life. So when I finally realized how happy I was it was too late for me to revel in it. Katrina hit and instantly changed everything.
I feel this pattern reoccuring. I'm about to leave everyone and live farther away than I ever have. And only now am I extremely content with where I am. I have some really good friendships that need minimal upkeep because we are so comfortable with the friendship. I'm very happy with my church job (the congregation, choir members, music director, priests included). I just started working a part time mall job, so while not ideal, the extra income is very welcome. I finally feel like I have a home and not just a pit stop. One word to sum it up: Comfort. Now, i'll have to start all over again and I realize that wouldn't last if I did stay, so I'm not complaining.
Just observing. With a smile.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Little Monsters & Happily Ever After
I was planning on writing something about school or my past weekend, but I figured something out about myself so I thought I should share. Beware, it's shocking.
For as as long as I can remember, I have sworn off kids. I was never one of those little girls who loved playing with babies. As I grew older, I never developed a tolerance or longing for children. I think all new born babies are ugly and I prefer not to take my turn holding babies. Also, I will never complement you on your kids beauty if it's not beautiful. I never babysat or volunteered at nurseries. It just wasn't my thing. I like baby animals not baby humans....it goes the same way for adults actually.
I remember liking my little cousin Alexis and a family friends' kid. That's it.
Within the past few years the desire to have little monsters of my own never surfaced. I did, however, begin to be excited about people I love having babies. When one of my dearest friends became pregnant I was tickled pink because I knew how ready she was to be a mother. I also knew that she was going to be amazing. At the same time, it seemed like all of my friends & acquaintances were getting married or getting pregnant. While I felt out of the loop, I was not ready to be married and definitely not ready for children.
That was my story, and I was sticking to it.......until now.
I love being single because I only have to worry about me. I do what I want, when I want, however I want. The problem with this statement is simple if you know me. It in no way fits my personality. I am loving, nurturing, and caring. I consistently spend my days doing little things to make the people I love happy, putting them before me. That being said, I think I actually am ready for marriage, minus the ability to be financially stable.
Second thing I've learned about myself: I want children. I still have a low tolerance for kids. I still think new borns are ugly. But I love seeing my friends kids grow up. I love babysitting that handsome little 2 year old from church. I love the smile he gives me when he sees me. I love his little run to give me a hug. I love the way he yells "Mo!!" when I ask him what my name is. I love rocking him and hugging him when he misses his mommy.
When I go to Mass and see young families sitting together, I want that.
This is HUGE for me. So, I'm not gonna dwell on it, in fact, I'll ignore it.
I like being single, I can't stand kids, I want to sing.....
Ah, that's better.
For as as long as I can remember, I have sworn off kids. I was never one of those little girls who loved playing with babies. As I grew older, I never developed a tolerance or longing for children. I think all new born babies are ugly and I prefer not to take my turn holding babies. Also, I will never complement you on your kids beauty if it's not beautiful. I never babysat or volunteered at nurseries. It just wasn't my thing. I like baby animals not baby humans....it goes the same way for adults actually.
I remember liking my little cousin Alexis and a family friends' kid. That's it.
Within the past few years the desire to have little monsters of my own never surfaced. I did, however, begin to be excited about people I love having babies. When one of my dearest friends became pregnant I was tickled pink because I knew how ready she was to be a mother. I also knew that she was going to be amazing. At the same time, it seemed like all of my friends & acquaintances were getting married or getting pregnant. While I felt out of the loop, I was not ready to be married and definitely not ready for children.
That was my story, and I was sticking to it.......until now.
I love being single because I only have to worry about me. I do what I want, when I want, however I want. The problem with this statement is simple if you know me. It in no way fits my personality. I am loving, nurturing, and caring. I consistently spend my days doing little things to make the people I love happy, putting them before me. That being said, I think I actually am ready for marriage, minus the ability to be financially stable.
Second thing I've learned about myself: I want children. I still have a low tolerance for kids. I still think new borns are ugly. But I love seeing my friends kids grow up. I love babysitting that handsome little 2 year old from church. I love the smile he gives me when he sees me. I love his little run to give me a hug. I love the way he yells "Mo!!" when I ask him what my name is. I love rocking him and hugging him when he misses his mommy.
When I go to Mass and see young families sitting together, I want that.
This is HUGE for me. So, I'm not gonna dwell on it, in fact, I'll ignore it.
I like being single, I can't stand kids, I want to sing.....
Ah, that's better.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
What's going on....
I spent the day virtually alone. So while the television played episode after episode of Law & Order SVU, I searched for apartments on my iPad whom I affectionately call Diego.
This act made me feel proactive and my impending move became more tangible.
Since that little storm we less than affectionately refer to as Katrina, I currently live in a small city where I completed my BM & MM. As I am a bit of a spiritual person, I believe that I was brought to this random city & this random school for a purpose. Who knows why. All I know is that past my misery, I have befriended some wonderful people who will always hold a place in my heart. I have learned here. I have grown here.
Consequently, being here is why I am now moving to the foreign land of Texas.
Never in a million years would I have placed myself in Texas, a state of which I hold a hatred deeply rooted in pure irrationalism. Every plan I have ever willingly made in my life has been forcefully removed from me. Therefore, this must be the right move. I was recently offered a $9,000 opera scholarship. The likelihood of this happening was very low, and when i got the call, it made the decision for me.
San Antonio.
Seems like a beautiful, cultural, clean, historic, artsy city.
Seems to fit my personality like Lycra tights.
Seems too good to be true...
This act made me feel proactive and my impending move became more tangible.
Since that little storm we less than affectionately refer to as Katrina, I currently live in a small city where I completed my BM & MM. As I am a bit of a spiritual person, I believe that I was brought to this random city & this random school for a purpose. Who knows why. All I know is that past my misery, I have befriended some wonderful people who will always hold a place in my heart. I have learned here. I have grown here.
Consequently, being here is why I am now moving to the foreign land of Texas.
Never in a million years would I have placed myself in Texas, a state of which I hold a hatred deeply rooted in pure irrationalism. Every plan I have ever willingly made in my life has been forcefully removed from me. Therefore, this must be the right move. I was recently offered a $9,000 opera scholarship. The likelihood of this happening was very low, and when i got the call, it made the decision for me.
San Antonio.
Seems like a beautiful, cultural, clean, historic, artsy city.
Seems to fit my personality like Lycra tights.
Seems too good to be true...
The Long:
Half of my identity can be summed up as “New Orleans Catholic”
The other half can be called “Creatively Challenged” but not in the sense that means having an inability to be creative. It’s more of an over zealous appreciation of the creative arts and an inability to master one without feeling as if I’m turning my back to the other.
Maybe it would be better titled “Creatively Indecisive”
That being said, I have decided: Music
I am a soprano by voice classification not by temperament.
I am about to embark on the next part of my life. This time it is my choice.
We’ll see how far my decisions take me.
Half of my identity can be summed up as “New Orleans Catholic”
The other half can be called “Creatively Challenged” but not in the sense that means having an inability to be creative. It’s more of an over zealous appreciation of the creative arts and an inability to master one without feeling as if I’m turning my back to the other.
Maybe it would be better titled “Creatively Indecisive”
That being said, I have decided: Music
I am a soprano by voice classification not by temperament.
I am about to embark on the next part of my life. This time it is my choice.
We’ll see how far my decisions take me.
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