Let me learn from where I have been

There's nothing like a good friend.
I have spent the last two days in the company of one of my dearest friends.
I remember meeting this girl several years ago at ULM and it didn't take long for us to figure out that we were the same brand of strange. Honestly, MySpace is really the matchmaker. She kept this "blog" called "Confessions of a potentially crazy person" (I think that is correct). Anyway, after reading several of those entries I decided she was ok to befriend. Her crazy was worthy.
We are now much wiser, well sort of, and we don't do the things we used to. In fact, we rarely see each other at all except for the occasional skype date to discuss a book study we are currently doing. She is also one of my two faithful blog readers so I know she will see every word of this.
I am currently plagued with some backwards cold that invaded my throat and lungs before it tipped me off with sinus drainage so I feel kinda crummy. That was the only problem I experience in the past 2 days.
We didn't do many activities except a birthday party for Jesus yesterday and going to the hobbit today.
We did however get to spend lots of time in each others company which can be the more precious than "doing things."
You see, she gets me and I get her. Often times we can't find many people who do and it's so comforting to just be able to be. I don't have to try around her. I was quite grumpy for the majority of the morning and she didn't bat an eye except to offer me some homeopathy which I readily accepted. I got to spend time with her two little gingers of whom I am very fond. I only just got to know the baby and she's as sweet as her big brother who has taken to calling me Aunt Donna instead of Madonna...I'll take it as he seems fairly fond of me and wanted me to play with him while I was there and asked if I was spending the night again. lol
We got to talk about things that have been going on with me. I got to open up about stuff that I don't really share with anyone and she offered no judgement to me and offered her own stories to prove to me that there would be no judging. Her stories may actually help me as I have similar issues I would like to resolve. She listened to this long saga I have and her thoughts on it were similar to my thoughts which made me feel less like I was crazy. I felt justified, unfortunately there is no way to know if our theories are right so I will try not to dwell on them, though I have not done a good job of that tonight.
It was just so good to see her. It has been the best part of my trip as spending  time with my parents is quite difficult. Aging parents are hard to deal with for everyone, but even harder when you are not in good health and they won't let go of taking care of you long enough for you to take care of them. It is also very difficult to deal with a grumpy inconsiderate person who requires to be waited on hand and foot for everything but doesn't listen to anything.
Christmas day was probably the worse Christmas I have ever had. Partially because I came home fro 10:30am Mass and slept till 5. I blame my tiredness on my parents for being loud till 3:30 and my father for having a 5:30am alarm and a 7:15am alarm...for no reason mind you, he has NOTHING to do. We didn't have a proper Christmas dinner which is a big deal because that's our family time, cooking in the kitchen and eating it. He even refused to buy crescent rolls. I just don't know how to deal with aging parents and no one my age has these issues except for maybe my cousins who just lost their mom. But my uncle is a gentle soul, not like my dad. He's awful. My mom is wonderful but I see the bitterness taking over. She yells and gets angry over the smallest things. She is confused easily and doesn't listen well. Their house is a nightmare. And I might as well be a helpless infant, I'm not much older or intelligent in their eyes. So while I was dying to come home, I knew after two days I would be ready to leave. And I hate this feeling.

So really spending time with my loving prayerful friend really made me feel a bit better and less miserable. I mean I had Christmas with my family, with my Church family  and I got to sing and get paid for it. I should not have anything to complain about, yet I do. Something needs to change in my life to bring back the optimism and the spirit I used to have. Cuz right now I just want to give sometimes...

I love you so much Mel thanks to you &B for a restful, happy 2 days, it's been much too long.
"Keep the earth below my feet
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I've been
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn"

My momma told me...you better shop around...

I'll be 28 in exactly 3 months. Back in August I decided to do something I swore I wouldn't try till I was 30...I joined an online dating site. I'm not sure how I even feel about online dating. All I know is that I am a lot better at talking in type and that I don't really go any where to meet people. The only people I know are musicians...musicians and students...I need to expand my view.
I never really worried about these things but within the last year I have began to change my thoughts on relationships. Half of me wants to be single because the life I want to have us an unstable one and the other half of me is ready to give up on a career and settle down. I want to be taken care of. I've also started to think having children would  be kinda nice. I've begun to envy young families...could be the loneliness of Texas but it started before I moved here, check the early blogs...
Anyway...Hence the stupid dating site.
Well, I bought a discounted membership for 3 months and didn't get one message or reply. So I let it lapse. This week, I received a message and a smile. I still don't know how I feel. I chose a Catholic site cuz I thought it would be easier. Instead it has been harder. While I am not very partial when it comes to outward appearances, I am not very attracted to Hispanic men. Most of the guys on here in SA are Hispanic. There also don't seem to be  a lot of people who use the site regularly. Another problem is age. While I tend to prefer men in their 30s, it would be nice to meet people closer to 30 than 35+. So I emailed the 35 year old named Vic...His profile has no picture and the "essay" questions aren't filled out...I asked him if he had a social networking page. Personally, I would like to check this person's fb page before talking to him but alas, he doesn't have one. So between no fb page and no pic I am torn whether or not to talk to him. I mean, I want to know what he looks like, is that so bad?
I have a friend who met her husband online and they're happy. And I am not necessarily looking to get hitched...lord knows I don't want to live in Texas unless I'm working for the Houston Grand Opera.
The guys whose profiles I like the sound of either don't respond or haven't read my messages.
Maybe I should give him my number and try him out...
Who knows.
I don't like dating
I don't like strangers
I tend to fall for my friends cuz, well, we're friends for a reason right? It makes sence to me.
But I'm always "the friend" they either see me as the person who they tell their girl problems too or see me as motherly cuz I take care of their tummies. My bad, I like caring & cooking...they like bitches...their bad...
Also people's personalities really attract me more than their physical attributes. Anyone whose personality I like, the longer I know them, the less physical faults I find...friends or Romantically. For example, acne disappears...I just don't see it.
 I'm tired
Bed
Zzzzzzz

Someday

Wow...another blog...guess I have things to say...Though that's not always a good thing :-/

So I just had a great conversation with one of my newest friends. We met at school and turns out we have a ridiculous amount of things in common. Habits, hobbies, preferences, faith. The last one is probably the most important aspect of our friendship.
I don't know where to start.
We went to this meeting tonight for a company that helps you become an independent business. She is drawn to these people because of how kind and positive and uplifting they are.
I found them nauseating.
Since when is happiness a bad thing?
Apparently since I've become a cynical, jaded, hanging on to my faith and morals by a thread kind of person.
Let's back up and discover how exactly I, a cheerful, encouraging, loving, giving, faith-filled person turned into this awful Mrs. Hyde.
So I went through this little storm called Katrina...
Nope that wasn't the cause. If anything I was happier after Katrina. No, I was definitely happier after Katrina. I mean I was depressed and missed my life for about a year but honestly, with the exception of my amazing job in NOLA and acceptance into the only school I wanted to go to, my life became better in Monroe. The people I met in Monroe were life changing. I became the person that I am...well the person I was previous to now...today through my friendships, experiences and acquaintances formed in Monroe.
I got along better with my dad because of Monroe, Katrina probably saved our relationship, seriously.
My point being, If I could become better after such a traumatic life shattering event, why am I such a shitty person right now?

I can't pinpoint when it started.
I mainly blame my move, which is when I began this blog.
I'll get back to this...

My friend and i got on the topic of demons, evil spirits.
I know most people think this kind of talk is crazy, but I believe that the devil is quite present in our lives, I know Melissa agrees with me, look at those poor children who just lost their lives...if that's not the work of Satan that I don't want to exist anymore.
I believe people can be plagued by evil spirits, just as much as I believe people can be saved and guarded by angels. Like the devil and the angel on the shoulders in cartoons...that's more than a conscience thing, that's lightness and darkness fighting for your soul.
I know I probably am gonna come off sounding crazy to most people, but we talked in the parking lot of my complex for an hour tonight. It was a talk that we both probably needed to have. We both feel the darkness in our lives and we both are having trouble fighting it...her upper hand is that she has a husband by her side who is fighting the darkness too. I am blessed to have this couple as friends. I feel the darkness would have taken me over by now without them.

I have been such a faith-filled person my entire life. I was raised in the church, I never questioned God's love for me. I saw it in my parents, in my family, I trusted blindly.
The thing about faith is, it's not really a personal thing. It's meant to be shared, not bottled up inside and fed in secret. I have always been a very private person, not ashamed of my faith, but touchy about my religion. I know religion, faith, spirituality are all different things. But, I LOVE my religion. I find it  beautiful, mysterious and difficult to follow in this world, in our culture. Faith is not supposed to be easy, being Christlike is not supposed to be easy. However, so many people have issues with the Catholic church...some rightly so, it is run by humans and while there may be divine inspirations, we are still humans and unable to achieve perfection. So i try not to discuss my "religion," I try to accept everyone's beliefs, even people's unbelief. This was all fine and dandy when I lived with my prayer filled parents and had an amazing support system of congregation members and priests at my church.
Being alone here in Texas has turned my acceptance of people into passiveness. I have become less offended my irreverence and more ready to accept and engage in the behavior.

I go to mass every Sunday, even when I have sung multiple services for a different religion, I attend mass.
I have actually never missed a Sunday mass or holy day in my life.
THIS MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
The priest last Sunday asked us if we were truly present. Well duh, I'm here listening to you....
Then he asked if we remembered the 1st scripture reading
Were we changed by the word of God?
....or were we scheming....
I may not have been scheming on that particular day, but my mind was definitely elsewhere.
Along with the loneliness and lack of support that the spirits are taking advantage of, comes my health issues.
I claim to not be angry with God, but I must be somewhat disappointed. I 'm freaking miserable on a daily basis and unable to enjoy or perform the most simple tasks. Not to mention it is ruing my attempts to begin a career. (on a side note, i have prayed about my career choice/path in life for many years, I carried around the  psalm verse "Show me the path where I should walk, O Lord; point out the right road for me to follow" and after Katrina I stopped planning my life and went and did whatever I thought God wanted for me, henceforth I do believe I am where he wants me, I believe he led me here and now I believe I am being tested and failing)
So I either pray continually or don't pray at all. After my hospital stays this summer i had a moment where I really felt Jesus present with me in prayer, I blogged about it here. After that, however, I began to slip away again, even worse than before. Doing my Jesus book studies are hard, I no longer keep a prayer journal, I didn't put my advent wreath up, I stopped praying before bed, I don't visit confession, and I gave up on my therapy sessions.

I have never been hurt the way I have been hurt since I have lived here. I thought I was given an amazing friend, someone who would be a spiritual rock for me. Unfortunately that person has only brought me pain and I should have spent my time and energy getting to know and relying on the friend with whom I spoke about today. This person isn't evil, but is probably plagued with evil spirits as well. I know somewhere deep inside there is a good person...it's unfortunately covered with fake zeal and lies. Yet I am still drawn to this person who has seriously helped me through rough patches but is overall toxic to my well being.

So we have, loneliness, lies, poor health, and apathy...I am a sitting duck for the darkness.

Another topic discussed in the car tonight...
I have felt the need for a spiritual renewal long before I moved to Texas but I refused to attend ACTS retreats. They seemed cultish and weird to me. I shared this opinion with my parents and an agnostic friend who's mother was completely absorbed by ACTS. She tried to get me to go as well as other church folk, both me and my mom declined. The agnostic friend was also adamantly against this. He and I were pretty good friends, work colleges with similar upbringing and partners in a sometimes hostile environment. I regularly prayed for him to return to his faith because he seemed like he had such a good heart. We by no means kept in touch regularly after we both left our job and I moved here 6 months later.
After a few months of being here, he calls me out of the blue. He tells me he finally gave in to an ACTS  retreat. He spoke to me for 10 minutes about how he was changed and the bonds he made with people and my goodness I think he began to go to church. Now, I hung out with him once after this and we had a fun night catching up, talking about life, and playing pool but we never discussed faith. So I have no clue if this renewal stuck and I have no clue if he now considers himself Christian or Agnostic...He has also moved and we are even more out of touch. I have wanted to try ACTS since this happened, and the program originated in the city I currently live in (coincidence?), it has been over a year and I have yet to sign up. My point: this retreat HAS to be a good thing, the friend I spoke with today had the same objections as me. Then I realized we were being influenced and kept away from something that might very well improve our quality of life. I told her we HAVE to go on the next one. Maybe you have to be ready for it, maybe you have to be spiritually raw and in dire need for it in order for it to work on you. I don't know but I am ready.
I think...

I still have this desire in the back of my mind telling me to have fun, live a little, enjoy yourself now, you can repent later, God is forgiving. And it is hella hard to be a musician and remain righteous.
But we know not the time of our savior's second coming.
We are told to be ready
What if rapture was indeed on Friday?
Would I stand among the sheep or the goats?

A friend of mine mentioned he had been reading about Lot and how stupid the wife was to turn around.
I feel like I am the wife, or turning into her.
Why can't I just look forward with blind faith and let the world crash down behind me?
Why am I so ready to throw my years of being a decent Christian away?
My friend an I needed tonight's random chat. At least I did.
I shouldn't be disgusted by happy positive people, I should be empowered by them whether I'm a bubbly people person or not.

I have a skype date tomorrow with a friend I lovingly refer to as "my person"
We will discuss a chapter in Timothy Keller's King's Cross titled "The Healing"
This chapter really hits home and this is probably why I haven't been able to make myself discuss it with her.
Months have passed, time to buck up.

I feel no better after writing this blog.
Maybe Someday...

I used to like to walk the straight and narrow line, I used to think that everything was fine

Growing up, i never had many friends.
I blame my overprotective parents, obesity, poverty, and bad neighborhood.
I blame these things because as a toddler, I was not shy. Even early on in grade school I was talkative and opinionated and frankly, kinda bad. I used to get bad marks in conduct cuz I wouldn't shut up. I was sure of myself and brave. I took dance at age 5 and shimmied with all the other skinny bitches. That same summer, I wrote a love letter out of construction paper to my dance teacher's son who had to be somewhere between 10 - 13. And I gave it to him. I don't know when this changed, and when I became plagued with so many insecurities. I don't know when I became that shy loner girl. I've never been that person on the inside. Singing and theater have always been the exception to this quiet girl thing.Somehow I turned into a straight laced quiet boring fat girl. Maybe it was due to my parents discipline  Maybe it was all for the better in the long run. You can't change the past and there's no use dwelling on it. In fact, I'm not quite sure why I even bring it up except to say that I always kept a diary. I kept a diary because I didn't have any friends to talk to and i didn't feel like I could talk to my mom about the things I wrote. I still have a diary, now i call it a journal. It is a beautiful soft leather bound book that cost me $25 at barnes and noble.
That was a lot  of money when i purchased it.
I used to write in it regularly, and when everything started to get digital, I printed out my livejournal and glued them in the book.
Journals are not very useful once you have great friends.
I began this blog because I used to write.
I wrote stories, prose, mainly poetry.
I missed writing.
Also, I used to write a lot on my myspace page.
The difference? I made this completely public. And although no one reads it, not even my friends, anyone could. It forces me to be truthful and I have tried very hard to be open.
I have tried very hard to not be the shy inner thinking person I come off as.
One of my best friends keeps a blog on here and she is so eloquent, reading her simple stories are trials are like reading from a best selling author.
I blogs began clever, and kinda funny if you knew me well enough to get my sense of humor.
Since then, it has evolved into a flow of conscience. maybe I know what i want to blog about but I take it where ever my thoughts wander. I guess this brings me to my current topic. Something I can not bring myself to elaborate on but something that is bothering me and I find that the only person who I would feel completely comfortable speaking to is currently no longer my friend.
James, if you happen to read this, I miss you EVERY day. This year has been so hard for me to deal with, I'm positive you got me through most of it. I often told you that I felt so bad for dumping on you, but you never seemed to mind. You would be fussing and laughing at me right now and maybe a little disappointed in me but you would understand and make it all better.
So instead i turn to journaling, new age journaling, my barely read public blog.

When something happens or a person upsets me or a situation I can not control occurs, I try to be positive and get over it or forgive...basically I like to move on. I am fairly good at this and henceforth have tons of acquaintances that I get along with very well. I seem welcome everywhere I go whether my loner complex is comfortable or not. But something is bothering me. I pretended, or honestly i thought I was cool but it hid under my skin for a while before I realized it was constantly nagging on my mind.
I can't let it go because it confuses me, it aggravates me, it hurts me and it pisses me off.
It is also all very stupid, which is the worst part. Now, all i want to do is lay down the facts, the evidence, the proof, point them out and say WHAT THE HELL? But that's not gonna happen. It can't happen.
I suppose I could share with a friend, but I don't want to. And bringing it to the source would be useless and frankly quite imbecilic. It is seriously not worth the annoyance that it is giving me. But then sometimes I wonder if it really is worth it. Sometimes, rarely, I think it is irking me for a reason. But when I get my senses back I know the real reason I am so annoyed is "the unknown." The unknown can sometimes kill you if you try to make it known. I had the answer, or some answer right there, i was just waiting, but then I dismissed it. It's like the crystal ball was getting all cloudy and about to focus into a picture and i threw it on the ground breaking it into a hundred little puzzle pieces never to be put back together. And even though I said this is all stupid, it tunnels to another area of distress in my life that I rarely share. If these things weren't connected in an awful way I'm sure i could let my disappointment/annoyance/confusion/sadness go.
Worst of all, I know how simple it is to be freed from this all, yet I won't let go.

So since I went back to my original lyric themed titles, I'll add the Youtube Link link that goes along with the song.

Now that I can breathe a little bit...

First things first, I just won a concerto/aria competition. if you don't know what that mean, it is SWEET.
feel free to click the link.

Now what this blog is really about is a self discovery.
While thinking about how a walk through my brain would feel, it was asked if Johnny Depp would be there.
Well, of course and friend pointed out that he would be talking to Paul Rudd....that's true too.
But there's no way Robert Downey Jr and Rob Thomas would be absent...
That's when the discovery was made...They are look fairly similar.
In my nerdy insomniac state I googled pictures of them and put them side by side....yep...
I have a type...out of the 4, Rob Thomas is the most unlike the others, yet similar enough.

People have asked me my type before and I couldn't answer because I find lots of different things attractive and personality is a huge factor...
I tend to like white guys even though I am quite partial to a nice Mediterranean skin tone.....
however, now I see that...how can I say...my favorite attributes are consistent.

So I went father and looked back on the guys that I have been the most attracted to or had school girl crushed on in the past....I let this be pretty open and go back many years...
I did some fb stalking...well, not really stalking if we're friends...and i chose about 10 guys
yeeah...they look like the celebs, with the exception of 3...a blonde, a ginger, and a wild card

So my type:
dark hair, a lot of it
strong jaw line
intense bright eyes
scruff
apparently dimples
and though I can't describe the nose in words...they are similar
Thinner upper lip but thick bottom one

These are all facial features....I'm a face girl
So yeah...it's a weird blog but I found it interesting how some of the guys i've really been interested in look like my favorite celebs...oh self discovery how interesting you are.

I leave your with my proof

I will spare the non famous people from being pictured in this blog for both their sake and mine

Ah San Antonio

Well this blog will be considerable less heavy that the previous two entries. It is dead day #2, my ped projects is turned in and i only have 2 papers and a jury in-between me and my freedom. sadly my freedom means time to learn my role in the opera Calisto and write my 40ish page recital document. Yup lots of freedom there. But I will not complain friends, because I am feeling a bit better. Today i am moving a little slow and hurting a bit, but I'm sure that's from over exerting myself this weekend. The funny part is that I felt amazing this weekend. Nothing hurt and I was able to do things without wanting to die. I didn't even realize it until Sunday when I was having a little pain. I did realize that last week I was able to do a lot of strenuous work while cleaning my house, so all in all I must have had a good week. I even got school work done.
I'm was not sleeping and I had a cold so that sucked, but I sang well anyway.

I live on a roller-coaster

So I had a fun weekend instead of writing papers and honestly, I needed the mental break. Like really needed it. It even made me feel better physically. The best part is that I was able to take pictures. I've missed taking pictures so much! I learned that San Antonio and the surrounding areas don't suck as much as I claim. I just don't do anything. Maybe I'll change that.

So here are a few pictures from my irresponsible cavorting :)

Here is the Japanese Tea Garden, possibly my new favorite place, I feel I will visit it to write or sketch, maybe it would make me feel like my old self again.

And from the Safari park

he tried to get in the car

Natural bridge caverns...like some of the coolest things I've ever seen

Canyon Lake....a little dry...

and this flippin HUGE house on a hill

And there's a video of the koi at the Japanese Garden 

Happy Madonna

Musings whilst listening to Continuum

So in my attempt to blog more and inability to sleep like a normal person I've decided to start writing and see where it goes. 

I'm tired.

I have so many papers/projects to churn out. I have no exams. I'm not sure what is worse honestly. 

I've been behind all semester but I have 2 weeks left and everything in the world to do.

I'm need to have an opera memorized in a month.

I've looked at 2 pages of it.

I needed family so I went home for Thanksgiving. Then my aunt dies.

I get even more family time, all be it sad. Never thought we'd be a wedding & funeral family but here were are.

I spent all of an hour in the city and I was a cemetery...seems like my kinds hour in new orleans right? Not when you're holding you older cousin as she breaks down realizing it's all over. Or when you loud inconsiderate cousins don't stop  laughing like cackling witches like ypu asked them to while the greeving cousins are saying final prayers by their mother's tomb before they go home. 

Drove though lakeview, reminisced, picked up my favorite pizza, then headed to LaPlace where I would stay for the rest of my visit sitting alone doing homework in the dining room while my cousins work on fixing the last of Hurricane Issac's damage for their poor dad who lost the love of his life.

There was tons of laughter and great moments and family but all I wanted to do was come home and hide in my room when I didn't feel well.

I almost left only a day after arriving. 

Now all the kids have slowly left, returning to their homes and my poor uncle is alone. I miss my city, I miss my family.

More than anything, I miss being happy. I mean people love me and I'm pretty sure it's because I laugh and smile and seem genuinely kind and loving. I am as I was raised to love. 

But now days I'm bitter more than smiley. I'm reclusive and depressed.

I've lost one of the most special persons in my life and I don't have the energy to fix the relationship. Though I think about him everyday and want to text him everyday. Just as usual but I used to think he'd get tired of hearing about my medical problems. Turns out he was really just sick of me in general. I understand. No one can be more sick of me or hate me more than myself.

Another friend who had become my rock and smile factory has barely spoken to or contacted me in two weeks.

And now i feel used & disgaurded by another friend.

And unwanted by yet another friend. 

Oh and yet another friend got married on saturday and asked me to sing months ago but everytime i asked her what se wanted me to sing she never responded. I texted & fb messaged and I know he read fb and ignored me. WTH?

I have other people who love and care for me and I know that. But being hurt is hard and a relatively new problem for me. As I said, people love me.

I hate my job because I want to punch school teachers who don't pay attention to what I say then blame me for not telling them things.

I'm in a rut and thought I found something that would get me through the end of this semester but that fell through so I'll have to keep on trucking as I have all year.

Maybe 2013 will be my lucky year where I'll graduate, heal, and find a decent program. I can inly continue to pray for healing. If I stay the way I am, a career will not be an option. 

Life would loose a lot of meaning for me as I never feel quite as good doing any else but sining for an audience.

It's my drug....well that and pain pills.

I guess this is another bummer blog but I am a little bummed out right now.

I'm wide awake and it's 2:30.

I have class tomorrow, a ton of work to get done and an apartment to clean for a weeken visitor.

Maybe I can get a solid 5 hours.

I'll find my smile again.

I just need some time to breathe.

I miss blogging

When I started this project, I didn't want it to be something else that I just "gave up" on. Unfortunately, It seems that I have indeed been neglecting my blog.
Honestly, I am quite busy having to write tons of papers/projects and researching. If I don't have to be typing in front of a computer, I don't want to be. Another issue is that I am simply unhappy. I look through my facebook posts and see this person that I don't know. She is negative and bitter and one dimensional. I didn't want that depressed horrid person sneaking in and taking over my blog as well. I've always tried to be honest and my complete self on here. Not liking myself has made me turn away from the blog so I don't have to face myself. Even more than all of the aforementioned issues, I can't bring myself to be public about what is ailing me most. I've blogged about, put up links and petitions, but I can not get on here and say "I'm having a bad day because this is what is going on with my HS." You don't want to hear it and I don't want to share it, at least not as Madonna Gil.
When my life is encompassed by being perpetually behind in all of my school work, barely being able to get out of bed, depression, and pain, what is there for me to write about? And when is there time?
This week, I realized I can't take care of myself. As an independent person, the realization was harsh and lead to hours of tears. Tears and this horrible feeling of hopelessness. I can't seem to shake the hopelessness. And then one of the closest people in my life seems to have all kinds of issues with me, as if i didn't have enough issues with hating myself. I am so emotionally  overwhelmed on top of my physical limitations, that mentally, I am spent. watching sitcoms is the only escape or moments when I smile and it's not fake.
I need support that I can't ask for from friends, it would be too draining on them. I've been sitting here for hours trying to get a plethora of school work completed but my mind doesn't work.
Sadly, no one can understand how the HS makes me feel. No one gets why it is so hard for me to focus and get work done. My work isn't even hard. I just can't do it.
And now I have wasted time on this post.
I need something to come and bring light back into my life, I'm holding on by a thread.

"I've got too much (clap clap) time on my hands"

Well, today was the first day of the semester. Wednesdays just happen to be my busiest day of the week, so today I had every class I'm registered for. Now let's reflect on that term I used busiest....we'll come back to this. After each class/lesson/advising session, I was pumped. My history class seems like it will be chill yet informative, enjoyable and mangeable. I love a class that requires work ougbof you but makes it manageable and easy to learn. Of course I found out that this class ends with a paper....another paper is the last thing I need but the nerd in me was excited to have to write about a contemporary piece. Next, my voice lesson was less of a lesson and more of a "let's finalize your recital" needless to say, have the entire recital final made me litterally giddy with excitement. I live singing, but even more, I love performing. This recital's music is so diverse, it completely shows me. I love EVERY piece on my recital. None of them are programed only because they fufill a requirement. Seriously, I am totally nerding out about my recital music and therefore, my recital document. The next chapter I'm going to work on is dealing with the treatment of "abscence" in french poetry and music, refering to my two amazing french pieces. I  so ready to begin research.
Next I met with my pedagogy advisor about my voice students and my big ped project. I walked in with a less than vague topic and came out with an entire plan with deadlines. Wow. What a productive day! To top it off I completed some necessary paperwork before going home.

Today felt great....but then I made a schedule and realized how much "free" time I had. Now ' begining to worry. While I need this time to do work, and it's not technically free, I have a huge discapline problem. I am not busy enough to get my work done! However wjen I was super busy last semester all i did was stress and I'm fairly sure that is what got me so sick. So how to use my time wisely without streasing....gonna be tough.

"I will follow him, follow him wherever he may go"

So, I have a friend who always said he would never play D&D because he had drawn a line. No matter what other "nerdy" things he did he would not cross over to D&D. 

Well, I had drawn a similar line in life about another issue, and just like him, I have recently crossed it.

This brings me to the texting conversation I just had with my roommate.
I was complaining that I was put together today, ya know, dress, makeup, jewelry, but I had absolutely no where to go. She asked me what the special occasion was...well it's Sunday. I grew up with the dated view of having "Sunday Bests". Now, I don't really believe this, I think you can go to church in a carpet bag as long as you go. I do believe you should be respectful and not wear mini skirts and boob tops....I mean it's church, you shouldn't temp people to have lustful thoughts IN CHURCH...that's for the clubs...as usual I digress...anyway I dress up for church. I like to look pretty for the Lord. 

(But after church....after the even you dressed up for that only lasted an hour...what do you do?)

Which is basically what I told the roomie. She asked if I had met any available bachelors...which got me thinking...

The answer was no, I never meet anybody at church. I mean that's the best place to find a good man, right? Someone who agrees with you on some important things? So I was trying to figure out how one would "meet" someone at church when there is no parish function or fellowship after mass. 

I came up with some scenarios that had me rollin...you may just roll your eyes but I amused myself at my cleverness and wanted to share it with the world. (you know, my one faithful reader, love you bestie!).

The story of how we met at church:

"There was a spark during the sign of peace"

"Got a little too close in the communion line"

"Brushed hands as we reached for the holy water fount"

"Walked in on you in the confessional"

"Caught your sleeve on fire at the votive candles"

ok, ok, the last two were a stretch, but really? How do you meet someone at church when you walk in to praise the Lord and then go back home? It's a mystery to me. Maybe when you're supposed to meet them, God pushes them your way. I guess I'm ok with that answer.

You Are My All In All

The Lord and I just spoke for the first time in a long time.

I don't mean I turned my back on Him and just came back.

What I mean is that this evening I was able to open my heart to Him again.

Praying is an art, I always pray, some days my prayer is constant, but constant prayer doesn't mean anything if your heart isn't open to receive what you are asking of Him.

I just spent approximately 45 minutes in the company of my Savior.

He was here with me as I lay on the couch singing my favorite, and very fitting, praise and worship song, contemplating verses of scripture and singing along to the Divine Mercy Chaplet. I felt Him. And I cried, and I am still crying because the Lord is so good to me no matter how unworthy I am. In that short time span, He touched me and took away a pain that was preventing me from focusing on my homework. At one moment I doubted that the pain was gone and just like that, the pain returned. I apologized for doubting and I told Him I would try to doubt no more. I told Him  that I trusted in Him and that I knew His pain was more than mine will ever be and I thanked Him for suffering so that I might live. The pain left me.

I recently spent 5 days in the hospital after being in pain for 2 weeks. I finally found out what was wrong with me from visiting the emergency room after 3 empty and frustrating Urgent Care visits. I would fall asleep in the hospital bed reciting the Hail Mary, but my mood never improved and the pain only left when I was given drugs. I knew my answer was prayer and I did pray. I prayed but somehow in the past few years I lost my ability to really connect. I'm not saying that I found it tonight and now everything will be easy, no. In fact, I think it might actually be harder next time. Faith isn't complacency and that was my problem. I became too comfortable with the fact that I have faith and I pray daily. The next time I will have to try to find Him again, maybe He will return to me through song again, but my guess is that He wants to push me to further refine my personal art of praying. I actually hope He does. I want to feel this same exciting release after every prayer.

I have finally stopped crying and a sense of peace is what I am left with. Now, I can finish my rather trite homework assignment with ease and maybe even relax, virtually pain free for the first time in a month.

I hope everyone can have this feeling at some point. Knowing me, it will be a while before I find it again, but it is a beautiful feeling. I still have a lot of problems and a lot of prayers that I need answered. I need healing that only He can provide as I have tried a plethora of medications, all of which proved to be insufficient. But you know what is sufficient? HIS GRACE. I am grasping this because I have decided to stop all of my medications. I am going to try to medicate with prayer. I am asking His love to pour down on me and make me whole. I truly believe He will, as He has a plan for me. In His time, I will be healed and my pain will be no more. I believe. I trust. I know. But I am a sinner, and still a doubter, even if it is subconsciously. So I will try to work on me, allowing the Holy Spirit to touch me when I am successful at letting go and letting God. I know I will still sin, but maybe I can try to sin a little less, confess a little more, and trust always. 

Prayer Works

My top 25 favorite songs ever

I sat down one night a couple weeks ago and decided that I would comprise a list of my favorite songs, limiting it to 25. Now, I knew I had gone over 25 but I was surprised to see that I was at 84. I like lots of music and I knew it would be hard to pick only 25 that would represent everything I love in a song. I went about it the wrong way. I thought about all my favorite artists and picked my favorite songs by them. That's not smart. Just because a band is one of my favorites doesn't necessarily mean one of their songs will be one of my top 25 favorites. When looking at the likes of Sam Cooke, Otis Redding, Matchbox 20, and Jason Mraz, I had the hardest time picking one favorite song. So hard that Mraz didn't even make the cut.
When shaving off the list, I thought: "If Icould only listen to 25 songs for the rest of my life what would they be?" Now, that's a crazy scary thought especially because I have no opera on my list, but it worked.
So here it is, My top 25 favorite songs of all time starting with most favorites first..

Take Me to the Mardi Gras - Paul Simon
I grew up hearing my parents sing along to this song while getting dressed early in the morning on Mardi Gras. It was always a happy time getting ready to have a day filled with parades and mom's fried chicken. Not only is this song nostalgic for family reasons, but the instrumental postlude is quintessential New Orleans jazz. I can blissfully listen to this on repeat.

Yellow - Cold Play

This song reminds me of swimming in my best friend's pool during the summer. For me it is a symbol of happiness, carefree days, friendship, and sun. I think it's a beautiful song.

Hey Jude - Beatles

I love it. I don't care how cliche it sounds.

Bring it on Home to Me - Sam Cooke

I love Sam Cooke, I love soul. My music tastes were very much influenced by my parents. Again, I remember whenever we're together and this song would come on we were all instantly happy and singing along. Soul is magical like that, Sam Cooke is magical like that. It was so hard picking one song, but my memories are very much associated with this one. Died too young, 33, of unfortunate events. Love you Sam.

These Arms of Mine - Otis Redding

Another one of my favorite artists of all time. Otis my man. I have playlists dedicated to Otis and Sam and they are amazing on road trips with my parents. Picking one Otis song was ridiculously hard. This one reminds me of slow dancing with my dad. I don't know if we ever danced to this song but I know whenever it played he wanted to dance. It reminds me of good times, before everyone got separated and health began failing. Another young death, 27, plane crash. Think of all the music not made.

Nothing's Gonna Stop us Now - Jefferson Starship

Mannequin. I loved this movie as a kid and this song played in the credits. Whenever i would hear it randomly play on a store radio I would get really excited.

Just Like Heaven - The Cure

This reminds me of a Spanish video project in High School. The long musical intro just makes me warm and fuzzy.

Three little Birds Bob Marley

I think this is one of the greatest and simplest songs ever written. I should listen to this song every morning when I wake up. It would wash my worries away. A great mantra. 

Don't worry about a thing, cuz every little thing is gonna be alright.

Sweet Soul Music - Arthur Conley

Yes, I like good music, sweet soul music.... I sometimes feel I was born in the wrong decade. This song makes me want to dance like no other. The man I marry must like soul music, because I want to act a fool on the dance floor when thins song plays at our reception. 

Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd

This song = driving around New Orleans with my friend Ashley. After Katrina it became more precious to me, cuz I wished I was there, in New Orleans, with her, and everyone else. This is just a great song...the guitar is breathtaking. 

All at Sea - Jamie Cullum

I like water. I grew up surrounded by it, I've been cursed by it, I've been blessed by it. I love water. If you close your eyes and listen to the rocking piano line, you can feel yourself floating on a boat, moving with the waves, the sun on your face, and breeze in your hair. I'm serious. I feel this when I listen to this song. That's why it's in my top 25. 

Somewhere Only We Know - Keane

Apparently my list goes chronologically from childhood memories to Katrina happenings, and beyond.

This is another pre-K memory. I love live concerts. I think this concert was in July at the Sanger, my favorite theater in New Orleans. It was my last concert before the storm. Our tickets were AMAZING. 3rd row orchestra pit. My photos from this concert prove how close we were. This is one of those songs that just has an effect on you, the melody just lulls you into a comfort and you can't really explain it. This song just makes me feel.

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

I never got tired of this song though it was played way too much. I like the words. I like the harmonies. 

Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead

Makes me weep.

Hang - Matchbox Twenty

My favorite band. I fell in love with them because of Back 2 Good. My love was cemented with Hang. Every album they have made has a few songs on it that I cannot live without. I don't know, Rob Thomas's lyrics just seem to speak to me, or the adolescent me rather. I rarely listen to this, my favorite band. Too many memories associated with songs. Too much nostalgia.

Steal Me - Jupiter Sunrise

Paints a beautiful picture of a special night between lovers. Grass, pine trees, stars, moon, beautiful.

Grace Cathedral Hall - The Decemberists

I don;t know what to say about this song. It's long and beautiful. I listen to it on repeat when I'm depressed or to help me sleep. It's a little haunting. Has that retro electric organ sound.

Somebody Like You - Keith Urban

HAPPY SONG! This ong makes me bob my head back and forth like a grinning Muppet.

Totally a feel good, nothing deep at all.

Bobby McGee - Janis Joplin

I love a good story telling song. And as crazy as her voice is, it is filled with soul on this song. I believe her, I feel her pain, happiness, excitement, sadness. I love it.

Like a Stone - Audio Slave

I listened to this kind of music during a period of my life. I would blare Audioslave, Chevelle, STP, and Velvet Revolver. (I must have a thing for short lived super groups) Anyway, I couldn't live without this song and Chris Cornell's raspy vocals.

When you say nothing at all - Allison Krauss

I love her voice. So pure. 

On the Other Hand - Randy Travis

What a good country song eh? Having an affair and can't decide who he loves more. Only country could make that endearing. 

Oh Sherri - Steve Perry

OK, this is silly. I LOVE Steve Perry. My love for this song doesn't go far back, I mean I've always liked it, but I now associate it with an 80s cover band called The Molly Ringwalds. I love acting a fool with friends to an 80s cover band. They opened their concert with this song a couple times so it's the first one that comes to mind....and guys, it's Steve Perry, nuff said.

Living on Love - Alan Jackson

I'm not even sure if this is one of my 25 favs...It just reminds me of my dad. I would have to play it for him on repeat. He never got tired of it. So, I guess it makes me feel happy. And, honestly, who wouldn't want a love so strong that it gets you through all of life's troubles?

A Whiter Shade of Pale - Procol Harum

Took me years before I actually knew what he was saying, but I just love that melody in the organ. Draws me in. Again, another story teller song.

Well then, I finished. That was difficult but now I feel pretty confident about my top 20...the last 5 are iffy. 

The following list didn't make the cut.

Into the Mystic - Van Morrison *Never been to Spain - Three Dog Night*Mr Bojangles - Nitty Gritty Dirt Band*I've been loving you too long - Ottis Redding*I wish it would rain - The temptations*You've really got a hold on me - Smokey Robinson and the Miracles*A Change is gonna come - Ottis Redding*Having a Party - Sam Cooke*Goodbye Roseland - Styx*Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) - Journey*I think we're alone now - Tiffany*Friday I'm in love - The Cure*Take on Me - A-ha*Take me home tonight - Eddie Money* Send the pain below - Chevelle*Until you're reformed - Chevelle* Swallowed - Bush*Break me Shake Me - Savage Garden*Two beds and a coffee machine - Savage Garden*Sin City - Dwight Yoakam*The River - Garth Brooks*Leaving on a jet plane - John Denver*Grandpa tell me bout the good old days The Judds*Mama he's crazy - The Judds*Wasted Days and Wasted nights - Freddy Fender*Hello Walls - Faron Young* Drops of Jupiter - Train* Uninvited Alanis - Morsette* Thats why they call it the blues - Elton john* Chariot Gavin - DeGraw*No other way - Jack Johnson*Under the Bridge - rhcp*Interstate love song - stp*One headlight - The Walflowers*Hold you in my arms - Ray Lamontagne

As well as Various MB20, Jason Mraz, Michael Jackson,and Gavin DeGraw songs

Please sign this

I don't know how much good it will do as 10,000 signatures are needed and so far only 200 people have signed. Sufferers don't like to share that they are afflicted because it is so awfully debilitating, scaring and malodorous, but we need attention. We need research. We need help. Our insurance companies don't want to pay for certain treatments even though they work for some people because they are not FDA approved treatments for HS. When I read peoples stories and problems on the support group I sometimes breakdown into tears. There are young teenagers already getting the worst of it...they are miserable and they have no one there to help them or to tell them they are not disgusting. When adults can't find solace in their romantic partners and twenty somethings get called gross by their life long "friends" how do those poor 15 yr olds stand a chance.We suffer in silence because it is too embarrassing to explain. Even when we share the condition with the people closest to us, they still don't understand the extent of our pain because we spend so much time pretending we are ok. Its much easier to hid yourself with clothes and force on a fake smile until you go home and cry yourself to sleep. We have to search for doctors who have a working knowledge of HS because most just don't know what to do.
Please sign this petition  for me and ask someone else to sign it too. I may not be the only person you know suffering with HS, I may just be the only one tired enough to get out of the shadows and demand attention.

Wow two posts in one day

Little did I know...though i had a funny feeling...while I was typing my last post, my dear sweet little bunny Poppet was lying limp and lifeless in her cage. I had her for exactly 2 short weeks. I went maybe 2 days without playing with her during that time. Strangely enough, in that short and busy time, I actually grew extremely attached to her. She was very small, very gentle, seemingly loving, active, eating, drinking...a happy little bunny right? I played with her yesterday, she sniffed noses with the cat, he tapped her with his paw and she wasn't the least bit afraid...she even hopped over to get next to him. She liked to sit on your shoulder or just sit down next to you and rock back and forth. We called her our little autistic bunny, I really liked her.
So now, here I am, 27, on my first free day in ages, sitting here depressed, all about a little bunny that I've know for 13 days. I haven't loss a pet in a while...and I really enjoyed having a pet of my own. Oh well.
Now what to do with the cage and all the bunny paraphernalia.

Somehow I Never Could Believe...

So, the past 3 months of my life have been taken up with night classes, tons of homework and late night opera rehearsal. I'm tired but without regret. We all know that all I want to do with my life is sing.So tell me, why have I tried so hard to successfully keep my voice off "the grid"? Facebook, youtube, myspace....on none of them will you find me singing...well until now that is.
I have never been happy enough with any recording to let people who weren't my parents see/hear me. Unfortunately (ish) my parents are ridiculously proud and supportive of my practicing for poordom and have mass produced both my senior and graduate recital....both of which are ghastly. Still, these have not made it to the general public.
Last night, I sang what has been my favorite and most challenging role thus far. I have had an unheard of amount of time to prepare for it, so it is solid. My father couldn't be here to hear me so my roommate recorded a few scenes for me on my ipad. After checking it, I realized that I was proud of it. It isn't perfect, I make mistakes, I run out of breath, ect...but for the first time in my life, I am proud of it. I don't feel like I have to hide it away to avoid people hearing my imperfections.
So here I am, on youtube for the first time.
Click to go to Madonna's video page

(I am new to this from ipad to youtube thing...there must be a way to make it better quality, I'll work on it)

What I less than lovingly refer to as Hectorina

Since not many people read this anyway, I've decided to share a problem that has plagued me for 11 years.

I have a chronic inflammatory skin condition. It is extremely painful. It's something that isn't always active but for the past 2-3 years I have not had a break. Still, since this summer it has become increasingly worst. Besides the pain, it can give me fevers, cause chronic fatigue and muscle soreness. It also can cause depression. It is a physically and emotionally draining disease that doesn't have a "cure". We are still trying to find a medication that will work for me. My current medication suppresses my immune system. Due to this, in February I was hit with 4 other health issues within 3 weeks of each other. This is what I meant when I said I was sick. I have not been able to bounce back from all of the stress this caused. I have not figured out how to deal with it in it's latest development. After half of a day, I am exhausted and find it hard to do anything. I used to be able to say once and while I have bad days, but now it's more like once and a while I have good days.

So I am sorry about the woe is me posts on all the social networks out there. I just need to vent and I don't know anybody else with this disease.

Luckily, I found online support groups. People who know exactly what I am dealing with. People who have suggestions. People who will offer a virtual shoulder to cry on.

I think this will be good for me.

My next step in medication is remicade...it is intensive and scary. The treatment themselves can make you sick.

I can not handle that right now.

So I have decided to try something that has always been in the back of my mind. I actually made the decision after reading a post on one of the support groups.

I am trying a "whole food" diet. When I say diet, I do not mean a weight loss plan, I mean a food eating ritual.

I love diet soda....and Splenda....

No more artificial sweeteners for me.

I am nixing the processed foods. I am laying off the beef, pork, and chicken.

Though I will not go gluten free, I will reduce mu gluten intake, my dairy intake, no "white" foods...ect.

Fish, veggies, fruits, turkey, brown rice...

That is what I am going to attempt.

Today was official day one, though I attempted to begin yesterday.

I need to start feeling better.

I cannot function like this anymore.

If you pray, keep me in your prayers.

Here is my first "whole food" meal :-)

Trust

I don't really think of myself as a trusting person. I have trouble believing people are genuine. When meeting new people, I take a long time before I accept that fact that they may actually just like me and aren't screwing with me. I even have trouble trusting in God.I feel like I have to count on myself to fix things instead of Him. So I thought I kept myself pretty guarded. Apparently not.
I'm pretty good about being a loner. I like to do what needs to get done on my own. I don't like asking for help. I'm stubborn. But even the strongest people need a shoulder to cry on or someone to whom they can vent their doubts or frustrations.
I have been in that mental state for the past 3 weeks. I had 4 different medical problems hit me during that span, all of which were physically painful and both emotionally and physically draining.
I have learned that I can not discuss my doubts and frustrations in a place where I thought it was safe. My issues were misconstrued to make me seem inadequate, weak, and unprepared. I am none of the above.
I am furious that someone whom I trusted and who i thought knew me would have these thoughts about me and share them with someone else. I am livid and I have no choice but to suffer in silence about it.

I have been burned twice in a matter of a few months.
This does nothing for my trust issues.
Looks like i'll be closing up even more.

Once a friend said something quite apropos "Why are we here anyway?"

It's 1:30am, I'm exhausted.
This blog may be filled with typos, forgive me, I just need to get this off of my chest. 
I just spent the last hour and a half venting more about non-romantic topics than I have in years. 
So I decided it would be a good time to pour my heart out into a blog. I did indeed create this blog to highlight my experiences since moving to Texas. Also, I just read a celebrity blog that was so honest that it gave me courage to honest about my current unhappy state in this state (see what I did there?). Thanks to Patrick Stump for the courage to publicly vent about my livelyhood. (again, check out his album Soul Punk) 
I'll go backwards...
I arrived home around 11:30 after a 3 hour opera practice of which I was never used; I'm a principal. I've been in many shows and have had my absolute fill of chorus times (not knocking it, those were grand learning experience and some of the most memorable moments of my life). As a chorus member I have grown used to my time being wasted as the director works with the principals. This entire experience has been the reverse. My character has so much to say and sing and so much emotion to portray, yet I have barely had any staging time with the director. If tonight was the only time I was called yet barely used, I wouldn't be as upset as I am, but it happens almost every rehearsal. There's a schedule telling us what pages we are doing, but when we get to rehearsal it's either changed or done in a different order. Sometimes, changing the order means I get to sit there for hours doing absolutely nothing. I have used this time to run lines, but I have other classes and music that needs to be practiced. That's about all I'm going to say in reference to opera rehearsals. They are late and waste my time. I would drop out but I am immensely excited about my role. My character is extremely interesting, caring and flawed. She pushes my acting and use of emotional inflections in song. She is exactly what I need to be working on at this point in my life. She's challenging but I still relate to her sadness and loving nature.
I've been sick for 3 weeks. I don't mean some upper respiratory problems or a cold. I mean I was physically unable to get out of bed. But get out of bed I did and I cried everyday. While showering, while walking to the bus, on the bus, and while grocery shopping at Walmart, I cried. This of course is seen in my school work. I am now behind in everything. Everyday I'm working on catching up, but my singing has suffered. My voice sounds as tired as I feel. My vocal stamina has decreased. My motivation is somewhat non-existent yet crucial to get through anything. I'm sure this leads me to the following doubts an regrets I am facing.
I don't know why I'm here. I've always been touchy about working on a second masters, I already have one in almost the exact area. But I got over it a little by the end of last semester. This semester I'm taking 2 pedagogy classes, one vocal, one theory. While the music theory class is fascinating, eye opening, and fun at times, it is sooooo much work. To top it off, we have to teach. I hate teaching. Always have. I don't want to teach. Never have. Yet I find my field of study is PEDAGOGY. I would infact love to teach privately or have a studio on the collegiate level, but both of my classes are CLASSROOM based. I am miserable everytime I have to use my colleagues to "teach" concepts we all know. I am never more self-conscious than when I am doing a teaching demo for my colleagues. Blah blah blah safe environment. They are all opinionated and some are just pig headed about it. I feel I am a fairly confident person, I'm a realist, but confident. I know I can sing, I know I am an above average singer. I also am well aware that being an above average singer basically means I am your run of the mill soprano. I have accepted this, and thinking I will not get the performance career I yearn to have doesn't make me without confidence, it makes me accept rejection with poise. Weakness is what I feel when teaching. I HATE feeling weak. I only have 3 classes and I dread going to 2 of them. This realization has made me quite miserable. Toping that off with my craptastic opera rehearsal schedule brings to that question "Why am I here?".
I'm not a quitter, I'm too proud and stubborn by nature to be a quitter. Yet, everyday the thought to drop out of school is nagging at me. I did't move 500 miles away from home to a state I've had an irrational hatred for my entire life to just accept defeat. But I am miserable, I haven't been in this bad of a mind frame since the week of my 25th birthday while trying desperately to pass the shankerian analysis portion of my comprehensive exams. 
...it's late, I'm loosing my train of thought...
The gist: I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Maybe I should just be auditioning. UTSA seemed so wonderful when I first got here, but it has just as many problems as anywhere else. I'm a big fish in a medium sized pond and yet I still can't find happiness. 
Conclusion: I might benefit from a therapist. But for now, you guys are my therapy. I know I don't have many readers but just knowing this is a public blog makes me feel like I'm being open for the world to see.

 It is now 3am. Goodnight

"And I will lay my burden down Rest my head upon that shore"

I am supposed to be finishing a last minute class assignment but I can’t bring myself to start just yet. For 20 years of my life I was up at the crack of dawn getting ready while seasonal music played loudly and my dad sang along as he shaved for a day filled with delicious food, family, music, crowds, and an obscene amount of beads...yes Mardi Gras.

As you may have noticed, my family is always ready for a party...Mardi Gras was no exception.

That being said, I grew up with a fairly healthy respect and rather unhealthy love for this somewhat gluttonous but amazing season. That's right, season. We start celebrating way in January on twelfth night and it just keeps growing and culminates on the Tuesday that is fat.

As a kid, I was obsessed with the mysticism of early Mardi Gras traditions. I loved any PBS documentary about krewes of yesteryear and I longed to attend a old fashion Mardi Gras ball where you identity was a secret hidden behind a beautifully pompous gown and mask. In elementary school we had shoe box float making contests and a mini parade. In 4th grade I had to do a project board and my topic, of course, was the history of Mardi Gras. I had fun reading all the old books and looking at pictures of the elaborate handmade invitations and bedazzled everythings....

Have I convinced you enough of my ridiculous love of this holiday where the average person just likes to get drunk and stuff their faces while the average New Orleanian uses the break as an excuse to go skiing? While I see nothing wrong with looking at Mardi Gras as just a day of food & drink, it is so much more to me.

Since I cannot go into the significance and history of Mardi Gras at this moment, to understand the warm fuzzies I feel I suggest listening to this link. Most Mardi Gras songs are heavy with loud raucous music and Zydeco, I love them, however Paul Simon epitomizes it for me. His words describe how my city makes everything better. His chill samba-esque drag with light cymbals and raked drums exemplifies how seasoned locals stroll to their own beat while tourists go manic. It's nostalgic, reverent, dreamy, and endearing. The song ends with the perfect example of New Orleans jazz and the famous spirit of revelry, a prevalent trumpet honks loudly and drunkenly while a clarinet carelessly moves up and down the scale and throws  its voice like a laughing middle aged women dancing in the street. (My mother & I often rewound the song just to hear the end again, we always thought it could have went on longer)

Bake a makeshift King Cake and wherever you find yourself in this country, try to have a little personal Mardi Gras before we begin the 40 days of penance and reflect on both the sorrowful pain and joyful gift of Christ's death. God wants us to be happy, that's why He made us and that's why we have Mardi Gras.

And as I leave you with the lyrics of Paul Simon's song, I beg you to take a hint from us in NOLA and Laissez les bons temps rouler! <3

C'mon take me to the Mardi Gras

 Where the people sing and play

Where the dancing is elite

And there's music in the street

Both night and day

Hurry take me to the Mardi Gras

In the city of my dreams

You can legalize your lows

You can wear your summer clothes

In the New Orleans

And I will lay my burden down

Rest my head upon that shore

And when I wear that starry crown

I won't be wanting anymore

Take your burdens to the Mardi Gras

Let the music wash your soul

You can mingle in the street

You can jingle to the beat

Of Jelly Roll