I don't mean I turned my back on Him and just came back.
What I mean is that this evening I was able to open my heart to Him again.
Praying is an art, I always pray, some days my prayer is constant, but constant prayer doesn't mean anything if your heart isn't open to receive what you are asking of Him.
I just spent approximately 45 minutes in the company of my Savior.
He was here with me as I lay on the couch singing my favorite, and very fitting, praise and worship song, contemplating verses of scripture and singing along to the Divine Mercy Chaplet. I felt Him. And I cried, and I am still crying because the Lord is so good to me no matter how unworthy I am. In that short time span, He touched me and took away a pain that was preventing me from focusing on my homework. At one moment I doubted that the pain was gone and just like that, the pain returned. I apologized for doubting and I told Him I would try to doubt no more. I told Him that I trusted in Him and that I knew His pain was more than mine will ever be and I thanked Him for suffering so that I might live. The pain left me.
I recently spent 5 days in the hospital after being in pain for 2 weeks. I finally found out what was wrong with me from visiting the emergency room after 3 empty and frustrating Urgent Care visits. I would fall asleep in the hospital bed reciting the Hail Mary, but my mood never improved and the pain only left when I was given drugs. I knew my answer was prayer and I did pray. I prayed but somehow in the past few years I lost my ability to really connect. I'm not saying that I found it tonight and now everything will be easy, no. In fact, I think it might actually be harder next time. Faith isn't complacency and that was my problem. I became too comfortable with the fact that I have faith and I pray daily. The next time I will have to try to find Him again, maybe He will return to me through song again, but my guess is that He wants to push me to further refine my personal art of praying. I actually hope He does. I want to feel this same exciting release after every prayer.
I have finally stopped crying and a sense of peace is what I am left with. Now, I can finish my rather trite homework assignment with ease and maybe even relax, virtually pain free for the first time in a month.
I hope everyone can have this feeling at some point. Knowing me, it will be a while before I find it again, but it is a beautiful feeling. I still have a lot of problems and a lot of prayers that I need answered. I need healing that only He can provide as I have tried a plethora of medications, all of which proved to be insufficient. But you know what is sufficient? HIS GRACE. I am grasping this because I have decided to stop all of my medications. I am going to try to medicate with prayer. I am asking His love to pour down on me and make me whole. I truly believe He will, as He has a plan for me. In His time, I will be healed and my pain will be no more. I believe. I trust. I know. But I am a sinner, and still a doubter, even if it is subconsciously. So I will try to work on me, allowing the Holy Spirit to touch me when I am successful at letting go and letting God. I know I will still sin, but maybe I can try to sin a little less, confess a little more, and trust always.
Prayer Works
