I wrote this yesterday after receiving some uncomfortable news that might result in my life changing drastically. It also might be nothing by the end of the week.
"call me asap"
The unknown engulfs me like the incense from an over zealous thurifer.
It takes away my breath as I gasp for air and begin to drown in what-ifs.
My pleas from the previous night now seem meaningless; other concerns will leave questions unanswered and the mind restless.
Idle thoughts buzz around my head creating holes in my attention, making focus impossible.
The increasing frequency of these feelings, this unrest, doesn't match the happiness. The joy felt in the presence...
Which feeling is real?
Which feeling is a farce?
More confusion in trying to find answers. Confusion and chaos rule my mind and heart.
And then I met this nice lady who made everything better...
Till next time
Monday, May 26, 2014
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Clarification
I just wanted to clear up my last blog. I don't want to edit it because I meant the things I said.
However, it was supposed to be a blog about how good life seemed to be going.
I had a GREAT week. It started with a really productive day of cleaning followed by a sense of peace. Then a job interview and a chill evening with my honey. The next day was a beautiful day outside as well as beautiful company. F and I woke up early and went to breakfast, we shopped, strolled around the shopping center killing time before a movie, had Mexican for lunch, then went plant shopping. I came home put dinner for me and a friend in the oven then planted my veggies and watched a soccer game. The next day I had a productive teaching day, was asked to start at my new job on monday, and had dinner with the roommate on our deck. Friday was another great teaching day and also a productive shopping day. Saturday I hung out with my roommate and her parents and was taken on a celebratory dinner. I mean, what more could I ask for as a last week of freedom. I even got in lots of practice time.
I've felt blessed and happy.
I've felt decent physically.
Yes I'm worried about my relationship.
Yes i'm nervous about my new job.
But I have so much to be grateful for.
So that last blog was just honestly about my insecurities, not complaining.
That is all
However, it was supposed to be a blog about how good life seemed to be going.
I had a GREAT week. It started with a really productive day of cleaning followed by a sense of peace. Then a job interview and a chill evening with my honey. The next day was a beautiful day outside as well as beautiful company. F and I woke up early and went to breakfast, we shopped, strolled around the shopping center killing time before a movie, had Mexican for lunch, then went plant shopping. I came home put dinner for me and a friend in the oven then planted my veggies and watched a soccer game. The next day I had a productive teaching day, was asked to start at my new job on monday, and had dinner with the roommate on our deck. Friday was another great teaching day and also a productive shopping day. Saturday I hung out with my roommate and her parents and was taken on a celebratory dinner. I mean, what more could I ask for as a last week of freedom. I even got in lots of practice time.
I've felt blessed and happy.
I've felt decent physically.
Yes I'm worried about my relationship.
Yes i'm nervous about my new job.
But I have so much to be grateful for.
So that last blog was just honestly about my insecurities, not complaining.
That is all
Turn Turn Turn....
I've had a pretty rocky few months health wise. All I can remember is how bad March was. And after all that I'm stuck with $1200 in bills for medicine that didn't work and quite possibly made me worse. So I've had this weird leg thing for months now and it just keeps getting worst. It inhibits me from walking a lot and being really active because it swells up and hurts. But besides my leg, I've begun to realize that I'm doing fairly good right now. It's not super hard to get out of bed every morning. I'm not consistently without joint pains or HS flairs, but I'm definitely not consistently dealing with them either. If my leg were to ever heal I would feel somewhat normal. I've built up a tolerance for persistent pain so normal for me is probably not like the average person. It still takes effort to stand up, lift heavy things, to raise my arms, and I get stiff if I sit in the same position for too long. But I know that I'm doing a bit better because I have been so much worse. I'm also not relying on pain pills everyday.
Mentally however, I still have the sadness. I can get though 3/4 a day before I miss F. We just had a talk about things and all it did was make me feel stupid and like some needy idiot. I was never this person. (I dropped needy guys, they made me feel suffocated.) When we first started dating, he wanted to see me everyday. I would tell him that he didn't have to try, and he would say he knew, but he wanted to.
So it became a pattern. Being out of school with no steady job, he became my routine. My days went by and I knew he would be there at night for dinner and some TV.
I have been lost without this routine, my days have no structure besides walking and feeding the dog. Most of all "needing" him makes me feel so weak. Feeling weak makes me think he's sick of me. He used to tell me how happy I made him. Now all I do is nag, so he must love not having me around. I just don't understand how someone could be so busy that they can't call at the end of the day to chat. I don't understand why he doesn't see this is an issue. I feel like I share everything (willingly and when asked). My plans for the day, what happened at 12:05, a funny story, an annoying incident with the bus. But i don't know anything that happens in his life anymore. I guess it wouldn't be such a big deal if it hadn't changed, if originally he didn't tell me about his day and problems at work. He's supposed to be taking this management course, but I have no clue if he still is or not. They hired new employees which is something he would have told me in the past but when I joked about skipping work he mentioned it as his reason why he couldn't. I would never ask someone to skip work. All of these complaints make me feel like I'm crazy and possessive and I hate that. I rather be single than this needy person I've become.
I think if he had come around at a different time in my life I would not be so attached. But I got sick, I had no job, my friends disappeared and he was there, faithfully trying to make us work and loving me all the while. No one has ever shown such devotion to me besides my parents.
That is why things seem so barren now.
Luckily, somehow I have landed a job. On monday I start (as a temp) as an administrative assistant of children & student ministries at a church. That means a daily routine where I will hopefully be too busy to worry about F. I'm so happy to start this job so I can pay bills without worry. However, I'm so scared.
I haven't had an everyday job in 3 years. I haven't had to be reliable on a daily basis since I've gotten sick. What happens on mornings where I wake up and just am not feeling the best? My new motto will have to be "Grin & Bare It"
The idea of being useful, having purpose, and being able to start saving again is so appealing.
I remember my days of busyness where I accomplished more in one day than I currently accomplish in a week. My hope is that this job will bring that back to me, and not just tire me out. I pray for strength.
Everyone seems to be moving on to their next musical experience & marriage and babies while I'm heading to my secretarial career and wavering relationship...
These are my prayers for this upcoming "season"
Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens...3:6 A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.
Ephesians 5:17 Therefore, do not continue in ignorance, but try to understand what is the will of the Lord.
Mentally however, I still have the sadness. I can get though 3/4 a day before I miss F. We just had a talk about things and all it did was make me feel stupid and like some needy idiot. I was never this person. (I dropped needy guys, they made me feel suffocated.) When we first started dating, he wanted to see me everyday. I would tell him that he didn't have to try, and he would say he knew, but he wanted to.
So it became a pattern. Being out of school with no steady job, he became my routine. My days went by and I knew he would be there at night for dinner and some TV.
I have been lost without this routine, my days have no structure besides walking and feeding the dog. Most of all "needing" him makes me feel so weak. Feeling weak makes me think he's sick of me. He used to tell me how happy I made him. Now all I do is nag, so he must love not having me around. I just don't understand how someone could be so busy that they can't call at the end of the day to chat. I don't understand why he doesn't see this is an issue. I feel like I share everything (willingly and when asked). My plans for the day, what happened at 12:05, a funny story, an annoying incident with the bus. But i don't know anything that happens in his life anymore. I guess it wouldn't be such a big deal if it hadn't changed, if originally he didn't tell me about his day and problems at work. He's supposed to be taking this management course, but I have no clue if he still is or not. They hired new employees which is something he would have told me in the past but when I joked about skipping work he mentioned it as his reason why he couldn't. I would never ask someone to skip work. All of these complaints make me feel like I'm crazy and possessive and I hate that. I rather be single than this needy person I've become.
I think if he had come around at a different time in my life I would not be so attached. But I got sick, I had no job, my friends disappeared and he was there, faithfully trying to make us work and loving me all the while. No one has ever shown such devotion to me besides my parents.
That is why things seem so barren now.
Luckily, somehow I have landed a job. On monday I start (as a temp) as an administrative assistant of children & student ministries at a church. That means a daily routine where I will hopefully be too busy to worry about F. I'm so happy to start this job so I can pay bills without worry. However, I'm so scared.
I haven't had an everyday job in 3 years. I haven't had to be reliable on a daily basis since I've gotten sick. What happens on mornings where I wake up and just am not feeling the best? My new motto will have to be "Grin & Bare It"
The idea of being useful, having purpose, and being able to start saving again is so appealing.
I remember my days of busyness where I accomplished more in one day than I currently accomplish in a week. My hope is that this job will bring that back to me, and not just tire me out. I pray for strength.
Everyone seems to be moving on to their next musical experience & marriage and babies while I'm heading to my secretarial career and wavering relationship...
These are my prayers for this upcoming "season"
Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens...3:6 A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.
Ephesians 5:17 Therefore, do not continue in ignorance, but try to understand what is the will of the Lord.
Friday, May 9, 2014
Patience is a Virtue
Welcome to The beginning of year #4 and blog #71. If you are a frequent reader, thank you for sharing my journey of ups and downs. And thank you for your prayers that I am sure accompanied me these three years.
So, let's begin.
Wait for it.....
ok, ready?
Almost there......
just be....
PATIENT
Every aspect of my life currently requires me to be patient.
I'm waiting for some treatment to work.
I'm waiting for an appropriate job opportunity.
I'm waiting for good days to allow me to accomplish something.
I'm waiting for this weird thing on my leg to heal.
I'm waiting for the depression and loneliness to cease and desist.
I'm waiting for someone to get something important resolved.
I'm waiting for someone I love to find joy again.
I'm waiting for someone I love to find a love of self.
I'm waiting for someone I love to make an important life changing journey.
I'm waiting for someone I love to journey into parenthood.
I'm waiting for someone I love to remember our constant happiness.
I'm waiting for someone I love to come back to me.
I'm waiting for someone I love to find God again.
I'm waiting for affection.
I'm waiting to find my career path.
I'm waiting to become a wife.
I'm waiting to become a mother.
I'm waiting to feel like I've started living my life.
I'm waiting for the release of death.
I suppose everyone is always waiting. It is what we do as human beings. Unfortunately society has resisted waiting so much that everything is about instant gratification. With the births of instant grits and instant cameras came the era of instant sharing on social networks. I am a user of these things and am therefore also a victim of impatience. The longer I have to wait for things, the more I try to take things into my own hands. Because if I think I'm controlling everything then I'm less focused on waiting. The only problem that I've discovered besides the fact that I can't solve my problems on my own, is that the waiting is what it's all about.
Psalm 27 and Psalm 130 are just two examples of pleading and waiting for God. Moreover, they are examples of trusting that the wait will be well worth it.
Usually my hardest challenge is waiting for my health to improve, but lately, I've been waiting for someone to heal and dealing with the alone time I've been left with because of it. It is brutal. It is also teaching me things, though I don't pick the lessons up easily. I maybe have come to the realization that I have been filling in the emptiness with everything but God. I thought it was God, but as soon as I was left with tons of free time alone at home, this vast emptiness fell over me and engulfed me. It's like a scene from a movie where the flying bugs are so thick they form a cloud of darkness blocking out all light. It's the debris and rubble the takes over during a demolishing and when it finally clears, the building is no more. I feel like I am no more.
A few days ago, I picked up this little book from a friend, The Path of Waiting by Henri Nouwen. Every page makes so much sense and brings me so much comfort, but when I put the book down and realized I caught the wrong bus, I was thrown back into despair. And I'm not being figurative, I literally was on the wrong bus and wasted an hour, throwing off my entire day which climaxed with me getting rained on.Funny how when I reach out and try to heal myself, I get pulled further back. Not funny, it's the laws of nature, I step into the light and the darkness grabs be back. Now if only i could get my foothold in the light instead of in the darkness.
Besides impatience, I am plagued with uncertainty. The only reason I am impatience for most things is because I am uncertain. I supposed my uncertainty stems from lack of trust, because if I truly trusted, I would be patient. And hence we have come full circle and found the cause of my previous blog.
So since it is so hard to wait and trust that my wishes will come true, I will turn to hope.
Nouwen says:
"Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises and not just according to our wishes."
God has promised us all great things. Let us wait in the Lord, filled with hope.
So, let's begin.
Wait for it.....
ok, ready?
Almost there......
just be....
PATIENT
Every aspect of my life currently requires me to be patient.
I'm waiting for some treatment to work.
I'm waiting for an appropriate job opportunity.
I'm waiting for good days to allow me to accomplish something.
I'm waiting for this weird thing on my leg to heal.
I'm waiting for the depression and loneliness to cease and desist.
I'm waiting for someone to get something important resolved.
I'm waiting for someone I love to find joy again.
I'm waiting for someone I love to find a love of self.
I'm waiting for someone I love to make an important life changing journey.
I'm waiting for someone I love to journey into parenthood.
I'm waiting for someone I love to remember our constant happiness.
I'm waiting for someone I love to come back to me.
I'm waiting for someone I love to find God again.
I'm waiting for affection.
I'm waiting to find my career path.
I'm waiting to become a wife.
I'm waiting to become a mother.
I'm waiting to feel like I've started living my life.
I'm waiting for the release of death.
I suppose everyone is always waiting. It is what we do as human beings. Unfortunately society has resisted waiting so much that everything is about instant gratification. With the births of instant grits and instant cameras came the era of instant sharing on social networks. I am a user of these things and am therefore also a victim of impatience. The longer I have to wait for things, the more I try to take things into my own hands. Because if I think I'm controlling everything then I'm less focused on waiting. The only problem that I've discovered besides the fact that I can't solve my problems on my own, is that the waiting is what it's all about.
Psalm 27 and Psalm 130 are just two examples of pleading and waiting for God. Moreover, they are examples of trusting that the wait will be well worth it.
Usually my hardest challenge is waiting for my health to improve, but lately, I've been waiting for someone to heal and dealing with the alone time I've been left with because of it. It is brutal. It is also teaching me things, though I don't pick the lessons up easily. I maybe have come to the realization that I have been filling in the emptiness with everything but God. I thought it was God, but as soon as I was left with tons of free time alone at home, this vast emptiness fell over me and engulfed me. It's like a scene from a movie where the flying bugs are so thick they form a cloud of darkness blocking out all light. It's the debris and rubble the takes over during a demolishing and when it finally clears, the building is no more. I feel like I am no more.
A few days ago, I picked up this little book from a friend, The Path of Waiting by Henri Nouwen. Every page makes so much sense and brings me so much comfort, but when I put the book down and realized I caught the wrong bus, I was thrown back into despair. And I'm not being figurative, I literally was on the wrong bus and wasted an hour, throwing off my entire day which climaxed with me getting rained on.Funny how when I reach out and try to heal myself, I get pulled further back. Not funny, it's the laws of nature, I step into the light and the darkness grabs be back. Now if only i could get my foothold in the light instead of in the darkness.
Besides impatience, I am plagued with uncertainty. The only reason I am impatience for most things is because I am uncertain. I supposed my uncertainty stems from lack of trust, because if I truly trusted, I would be patient. And hence we have come full circle and found the cause of my previous blog.
So since it is so hard to wait and trust that my wishes will come true, I will turn to hope.
Nouwen says:
"Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises and not just according to our wishes."
God has promised us all great things. Let us wait in the Lord, filled with hope.
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