Let me learn from where I have been

There's nothing like a good friend.
I have spent the last two days in the company of one of my dearest friends.
I remember meeting this girl several years ago at ULM and it didn't take long for us to figure out that we were the same brand of strange. Honestly, MySpace is really the matchmaker. She kept this "blog" called "Confessions of a potentially crazy person" (I think that is correct). Anyway, after reading several of those entries I decided she was ok to befriend. Her crazy was worthy.
We are now much wiser, well sort of, and we don't do the things we used to. In fact, we rarely see each other at all except for the occasional skype date to discuss a book study we are currently doing. She is also one of my two faithful blog readers so I know she will see every word of this.
I am currently plagued with some backwards cold that invaded my throat and lungs before it tipped me off with sinus drainage so I feel kinda crummy. That was the only problem I experience in the past 2 days.
We didn't do many activities except a birthday party for Jesus yesterday and going to the hobbit today.
We did however get to spend lots of time in each others company which can be the more precious than "doing things."
You see, she gets me and I get her. Often times we can't find many people who do and it's so comforting to just be able to be. I don't have to try around her. I was quite grumpy for the majority of the morning and she didn't bat an eye except to offer me some homeopathy which I readily accepted. I got to spend time with her two little gingers of whom I am very fond. I only just got to know the baby and she's as sweet as her big brother who has taken to calling me Aunt Donna instead of Madonna...I'll take it as he seems fairly fond of me and wanted me to play with him while I was there and asked if I was spending the night again. lol
We got to talk about things that have been going on with me. I got to open up about stuff that I don't really share with anyone and she offered no judgement to me and offered her own stories to prove to me that there would be no judging. Her stories may actually help me as I have similar issues I would like to resolve. She listened to this long saga I have and her thoughts on it were similar to my thoughts which made me feel less like I was crazy. I felt justified, unfortunately there is no way to know if our theories are right so I will try not to dwell on them, though I have not done a good job of that tonight.
It was just so good to see her. It has been the best part of my trip as spending  time with my parents is quite difficult. Aging parents are hard to deal with for everyone, but even harder when you are not in good health and they won't let go of taking care of you long enough for you to take care of them. It is also very difficult to deal with a grumpy inconsiderate person who requires to be waited on hand and foot for everything but doesn't listen to anything.
Christmas day was probably the worse Christmas I have ever had. Partially because I came home fro 10:30am Mass and slept till 5. I blame my tiredness on my parents for being loud till 3:30 and my father for having a 5:30am alarm and a 7:15am alarm...for no reason mind you, he has NOTHING to do. We didn't have a proper Christmas dinner which is a big deal because that's our family time, cooking in the kitchen and eating it. He even refused to buy crescent rolls. I just don't know how to deal with aging parents and no one my age has these issues except for maybe my cousins who just lost their mom. But my uncle is a gentle soul, not like my dad. He's awful. My mom is wonderful but I see the bitterness taking over. She yells and gets angry over the smallest things. She is confused easily and doesn't listen well. Their house is a nightmare. And I might as well be a helpless infant, I'm not much older or intelligent in their eyes. So while I was dying to come home, I knew after two days I would be ready to leave. And I hate this feeling.

So really spending time with my loving prayerful friend really made me feel a bit better and less miserable. I mean I had Christmas with my family, with my Church family  and I got to sing and get paid for it. I should not have anything to complain about, yet I do. Something needs to change in my life to bring back the optimism and the spirit I used to have. Cuz right now I just want to give sometimes...

I love you so much Mel thanks to you &B for a restful, happy 2 days, it's been much too long.
"Keep the earth below my feet
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I've been
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn"

My momma told me...you better shop around...

I'll be 28 in exactly 3 months. Back in August I decided to do something I swore I wouldn't try till I was 30...I joined an online dating site. I'm not sure how I even feel about online dating. All I know is that I am a lot better at talking in type and that I don't really go any where to meet people. The only people I know are musicians...musicians and students...I need to expand my view.
I never really worried about these things but within the last year I have began to change my thoughts on relationships. Half of me wants to be single because the life I want to have us an unstable one and the other half of me is ready to give up on a career and settle down. I want to be taken care of. I've also started to think having children would  be kinda nice. I've begun to envy young families...could be the loneliness of Texas but it started before I moved here, check the early blogs...
Anyway...Hence the stupid dating site.
Well, I bought a discounted membership for 3 months and didn't get one message or reply. So I let it lapse. This week, I received a message and a smile. I still don't know how I feel. I chose a Catholic site cuz I thought it would be easier. Instead it has been harder. While I am not very partial when it comes to outward appearances, I am not very attracted to Hispanic men. Most of the guys on here in SA are Hispanic. There also don't seem to be  a lot of people who use the site regularly. Another problem is age. While I tend to prefer men in their 30s, it would be nice to meet people closer to 30 than 35+. So I emailed the 35 year old named Vic...His profile has no picture and the "essay" questions aren't filled out...I asked him if he had a social networking page. Personally, I would like to check this person's fb page before talking to him but alas, he doesn't have one. So between no fb page and no pic I am torn whether or not to talk to him. I mean, I want to know what he looks like, is that so bad?
I have a friend who met her husband online and they're happy. And I am not necessarily looking to get hitched...lord knows I don't want to live in Texas unless I'm working for the Houston Grand Opera.
The guys whose profiles I like the sound of either don't respond or haven't read my messages.
Maybe I should give him my number and try him out...
Who knows.
I don't like dating
I don't like strangers
I tend to fall for my friends cuz, well, we're friends for a reason right? It makes sence to me.
But I'm always "the friend" they either see me as the person who they tell their girl problems too or see me as motherly cuz I take care of their tummies. My bad, I like caring & cooking...they like bitches...their bad...
Also people's personalities really attract me more than their physical attributes. Anyone whose personality I like, the longer I know them, the less physical faults I find...friends or Romantically. For example, acne disappears...I just don't see it.
 I'm tired
Bed
Zzzzzzz

Someday

Wow...another blog...guess I have things to say...Though that's not always a good thing :-/

So I just had a great conversation with one of my newest friends. We met at school and turns out we have a ridiculous amount of things in common. Habits, hobbies, preferences, faith. The last one is probably the most important aspect of our friendship.
I don't know where to start.
We went to this meeting tonight for a company that helps you become an independent business. She is drawn to these people because of how kind and positive and uplifting they are.
I found them nauseating.
Since when is happiness a bad thing?
Apparently since I've become a cynical, jaded, hanging on to my faith and morals by a thread kind of person.
Let's back up and discover how exactly I, a cheerful, encouraging, loving, giving, faith-filled person turned into this awful Mrs. Hyde.
So I went through this little storm called Katrina...
Nope that wasn't the cause. If anything I was happier after Katrina. No, I was definitely happier after Katrina. I mean I was depressed and missed my life for about a year but honestly, with the exception of my amazing job in NOLA and acceptance into the only school I wanted to go to, my life became better in Monroe. The people I met in Monroe were life changing. I became the person that I am...well the person I was previous to now...today through my friendships, experiences and acquaintances formed in Monroe.
I got along better with my dad because of Monroe, Katrina probably saved our relationship, seriously.
My point being, If I could become better after such a traumatic life shattering event, why am I such a shitty person right now?

I can't pinpoint when it started.
I mainly blame my move, which is when I began this blog.
I'll get back to this...

My friend and i got on the topic of demons, evil spirits.
I know most people think this kind of talk is crazy, but I believe that the devil is quite present in our lives, I know Melissa agrees with me, look at those poor children who just lost their lives...if that's not the work of Satan that I don't want to exist anymore.
I believe people can be plagued by evil spirits, just as much as I believe people can be saved and guarded by angels. Like the devil and the angel on the shoulders in cartoons...that's more than a conscience thing, that's lightness and darkness fighting for your soul.
I know I probably am gonna come off sounding crazy to most people, but we talked in the parking lot of my complex for an hour tonight. It was a talk that we both probably needed to have. We both feel the darkness in our lives and we both are having trouble fighting it...her upper hand is that she has a husband by her side who is fighting the darkness too. I am blessed to have this couple as friends. I feel the darkness would have taken me over by now without them.

I have been such a faith-filled person my entire life. I was raised in the church, I never questioned God's love for me. I saw it in my parents, in my family, I trusted blindly.
The thing about faith is, it's not really a personal thing. It's meant to be shared, not bottled up inside and fed in secret. I have always been a very private person, not ashamed of my faith, but touchy about my religion. I know religion, faith, spirituality are all different things. But, I LOVE my religion. I find it  beautiful, mysterious and difficult to follow in this world, in our culture. Faith is not supposed to be easy, being Christlike is not supposed to be easy. However, so many people have issues with the Catholic church...some rightly so, it is run by humans and while there may be divine inspirations, we are still humans and unable to achieve perfection. So i try not to discuss my "religion," I try to accept everyone's beliefs, even people's unbelief. This was all fine and dandy when I lived with my prayer filled parents and had an amazing support system of congregation members and priests at my church.
Being alone here in Texas has turned my acceptance of people into passiveness. I have become less offended my irreverence and more ready to accept and engage in the behavior.

I go to mass every Sunday, even when I have sung multiple services for a different religion, I attend mass.
I have actually never missed a Sunday mass or holy day in my life.
THIS MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
The priest last Sunday asked us if we were truly present. Well duh, I'm here listening to you....
Then he asked if we remembered the 1st scripture reading
Were we changed by the word of God?
....or were we scheming....
I may not have been scheming on that particular day, but my mind was definitely elsewhere.
Along with the loneliness and lack of support that the spirits are taking advantage of, comes my health issues.
I claim to not be angry with God, but I must be somewhat disappointed. I 'm freaking miserable on a daily basis and unable to enjoy or perform the most simple tasks. Not to mention it is ruing my attempts to begin a career. (on a side note, i have prayed about my career choice/path in life for many years, I carried around the  psalm verse "Show me the path where I should walk, O Lord; point out the right road for me to follow" and after Katrina I stopped planning my life and went and did whatever I thought God wanted for me, henceforth I do believe I am where he wants me, I believe he led me here and now I believe I am being tested and failing)
So I either pray continually or don't pray at all. After my hospital stays this summer i had a moment where I really felt Jesus present with me in prayer, I blogged about it here. After that, however, I began to slip away again, even worse than before. Doing my Jesus book studies are hard, I no longer keep a prayer journal, I didn't put my advent wreath up, I stopped praying before bed, I don't visit confession, and I gave up on my therapy sessions.

I have never been hurt the way I have been hurt since I have lived here. I thought I was given an amazing friend, someone who would be a spiritual rock for me. Unfortunately that person has only brought me pain and I should have spent my time and energy getting to know and relying on the friend with whom I spoke about today. This person isn't evil, but is probably plagued with evil spirits as well. I know somewhere deep inside there is a good person...it's unfortunately covered with fake zeal and lies. Yet I am still drawn to this person who has seriously helped me through rough patches but is overall toxic to my well being.

So we have, loneliness, lies, poor health, and apathy...I am a sitting duck for the darkness.

Another topic discussed in the car tonight...
I have felt the need for a spiritual renewal long before I moved to Texas but I refused to attend ACTS retreats. They seemed cultish and weird to me. I shared this opinion with my parents and an agnostic friend who's mother was completely absorbed by ACTS. She tried to get me to go as well as other church folk, both me and my mom declined. The agnostic friend was also adamantly against this. He and I were pretty good friends, work colleges with similar upbringing and partners in a sometimes hostile environment. I regularly prayed for him to return to his faith because he seemed like he had such a good heart. We by no means kept in touch regularly after we both left our job and I moved here 6 months later.
After a few months of being here, he calls me out of the blue. He tells me he finally gave in to an ACTS  retreat. He spoke to me for 10 minutes about how he was changed and the bonds he made with people and my goodness I think he began to go to church. Now, I hung out with him once after this and we had a fun night catching up, talking about life, and playing pool but we never discussed faith. So I have no clue if this renewal stuck and I have no clue if he now considers himself Christian or Agnostic...He has also moved and we are even more out of touch. I have wanted to try ACTS since this happened, and the program originated in the city I currently live in (coincidence?), it has been over a year and I have yet to sign up. My point: this retreat HAS to be a good thing, the friend I spoke with today had the same objections as me. Then I realized we were being influenced and kept away from something that might very well improve our quality of life. I told her we HAVE to go on the next one. Maybe you have to be ready for it, maybe you have to be spiritually raw and in dire need for it in order for it to work on you. I don't know but I am ready.
I think...

I still have this desire in the back of my mind telling me to have fun, live a little, enjoy yourself now, you can repent later, God is forgiving. And it is hella hard to be a musician and remain righteous.
But we know not the time of our savior's second coming.
We are told to be ready
What if rapture was indeed on Friday?
Would I stand among the sheep or the goats?

A friend of mine mentioned he had been reading about Lot and how stupid the wife was to turn around.
I feel like I am the wife, or turning into her.
Why can't I just look forward with blind faith and let the world crash down behind me?
Why am I so ready to throw my years of being a decent Christian away?
My friend an I needed tonight's random chat. At least I did.
I shouldn't be disgusted by happy positive people, I should be empowered by them whether I'm a bubbly people person or not.

I have a skype date tomorrow with a friend I lovingly refer to as "my person"
We will discuss a chapter in Timothy Keller's King's Cross titled "The Healing"
This chapter really hits home and this is probably why I haven't been able to make myself discuss it with her.
Months have passed, time to buck up.

I feel no better after writing this blog.
Maybe Someday...

I used to like to walk the straight and narrow line, I used to think that everything was fine

Growing up, i never had many friends.
I blame my overprotective parents, obesity, poverty, and bad neighborhood.
I blame these things because as a toddler, I was not shy. Even early on in grade school I was talkative and opinionated and frankly, kinda bad. I used to get bad marks in conduct cuz I wouldn't shut up. I was sure of myself and brave. I took dance at age 5 and shimmied with all the other skinny bitches. That same summer, I wrote a love letter out of construction paper to my dance teacher's son who had to be somewhere between 10 - 13. And I gave it to him. I don't know when this changed, and when I became plagued with so many insecurities. I don't know when I became that shy loner girl. I've never been that person on the inside. Singing and theater have always been the exception to this quiet girl thing.Somehow I turned into a straight laced quiet boring fat girl. Maybe it was due to my parents discipline  Maybe it was all for the better in the long run. You can't change the past and there's no use dwelling on it. In fact, I'm not quite sure why I even bring it up except to say that I always kept a diary. I kept a diary because I didn't have any friends to talk to and i didn't feel like I could talk to my mom about the things I wrote. I still have a diary, now i call it a journal. It is a beautiful soft leather bound book that cost me $25 at barnes and noble.
That was a lot  of money when i purchased it.
I used to write in it regularly, and when everything started to get digital, I printed out my livejournal and glued them in the book.
Journals are not very useful once you have great friends.
I began this blog because I used to write.
I wrote stories, prose, mainly poetry.
I missed writing.
Also, I used to write a lot on my myspace page.
The difference? I made this completely public. And although no one reads it, not even my friends, anyone could. It forces me to be truthful and I have tried very hard to be open.
I have tried very hard to not be the shy inner thinking person I come off as.
One of my best friends keeps a blog on here and she is so eloquent, reading her simple stories are trials are like reading from a best selling author.
I blogs began clever, and kinda funny if you knew me well enough to get my sense of humor.
Since then, it has evolved into a flow of conscience. maybe I know what i want to blog about but I take it where ever my thoughts wander. I guess this brings me to my current topic. Something I can not bring myself to elaborate on but something that is bothering me and I find that the only person who I would feel completely comfortable speaking to is currently no longer my friend.
James, if you happen to read this, I miss you EVERY day. This year has been so hard for me to deal with, I'm positive you got me through most of it. I often told you that I felt so bad for dumping on you, but you never seemed to mind. You would be fussing and laughing at me right now and maybe a little disappointed in me but you would understand and make it all better.
So instead i turn to journaling, new age journaling, my barely read public blog.

When something happens or a person upsets me or a situation I can not control occurs, I try to be positive and get over it or forgive...basically I like to move on. I am fairly good at this and henceforth have tons of acquaintances that I get along with very well. I seem welcome everywhere I go whether my loner complex is comfortable or not. But something is bothering me. I pretended, or honestly i thought I was cool but it hid under my skin for a while before I realized it was constantly nagging on my mind.
I can't let it go because it confuses me, it aggravates me, it hurts me and it pisses me off.
It is also all very stupid, which is the worst part. Now, all i want to do is lay down the facts, the evidence, the proof, point them out and say WHAT THE HELL? But that's not gonna happen. It can't happen.
I suppose I could share with a friend, but I don't want to. And bringing it to the source would be useless and frankly quite imbecilic. It is seriously not worth the annoyance that it is giving me. But then sometimes I wonder if it really is worth it. Sometimes, rarely, I think it is irking me for a reason. But when I get my senses back I know the real reason I am so annoyed is "the unknown." The unknown can sometimes kill you if you try to make it known. I had the answer, or some answer right there, i was just waiting, but then I dismissed it. It's like the crystal ball was getting all cloudy and about to focus into a picture and i threw it on the ground breaking it into a hundred little puzzle pieces never to be put back together. And even though I said this is all stupid, it tunnels to another area of distress in my life that I rarely share. If these things weren't connected in an awful way I'm sure i could let my disappointment/annoyance/confusion/sadness go.
Worst of all, I know how simple it is to be freed from this all, yet I won't let go.

So since I went back to my original lyric themed titles, I'll add the Youtube Link link that goes along with the song.

Now that I can breathe a little bit...

First things first, I just won a concerto/aria competition. if you don't know what that mean, it is SWEET.
feel free to click the link.

Now what this blog is really about is a self discovery.
While thinking about how a walk through my brain would feel, it was asked if Johnny Depp would be there.
Well, of course and friend pointed out that he would be talking to Paul Rudd....that's true too.
But there's no way Robert Downey Jr and Rob Thomas would be absent...
That's when the discovery was made...They are look fairly similar.
In my nerdy insomniac state I googled pictures of them and put them side by side....yep...
I have a type...out of the 4, Rob Thomas is the most unlike the others, yet similar enough.

People have asked me my type before and I couldn't answer because I find lots of different things attractive and personality is a huge factor...
I tend to like white guys even though I am quite partial to a nice Mediterranean skin tone.....
however, now I see that...how can I say...my favorite attributes are consistent.

So I went father and looked back on the guys that I have been the most attracted to or had school girl crushed on in the past....I let this be pretty open and go back many years...
I did some fb stalking...well, not really stalking if we're friends...and i chose about 10 guys
yeeah...they look like the celebs, with the exception of 3...a blonde, a ginger, and a wild card

So my type:
dark hair, a lot of it
strong jaw line
intense bright eyes
scruff
apparently dimples
and though I can't describe the nose in words...they are similar
Thinner upper lip but thick bottom one

These are all facial features....I'm a face girl
So yeah...it's a weird blog but I found it interesting how some of the guys i've really been interested in look like my favorite celebs...oh self discovery how interesting you are.

I leave your with my proof

I will spare the non famous people from being pictured in this blog for both their sake and mine

Ah San Antonio

Well this blog will be considerable less heavy that the previous two entries. It is dead day #2, my ped projects is turned in and i only have 2 papers and a jury in-between me and my freedom. sadly my freedom means time to learn my role in the opera Calisto and write my 40ish page recital document. Yup lots of freedom there. But I will not complain friends, because I am feeling a bit better. Today i am moving a little slow and hurting a bit, but I'm sure that's from over exerting myself this weekend. The funny part is that I felt amazing this weekend. Nothing hurt and I was able to do things without wanting to die. I didn't even realize it until Sunday when I was having a little pain. I did realize that last week I was able to do a lot of strenuous work while cleaning my house, so all in all I must have had a good week. I even got school work done.
I'm was not sleeping and I had a cold so that sucked, but I sang well anyway.

I live on a roller-coaster

So I had a fun weekend instead of writing papers and honestly, I needed the mental break. Like really needed it. It even made me feel better physically. The best part is that I was able to take pictures. I've missed taking pictures so much! I learned that San Antonio and the surrounding areas don't suck as much as I claim. I just don't do anything. Maybe I'll change that.

So here are a few pictures from my irresponsible cavorting :)

Here is the Japanese Tea Garden, possibly my new favorite place, I feel I will visit it to write or sketch, maybe it would make me feel like my old self again.

And from the Safari park

he tried to get in the car

Natural bridge caverns...like some of the coolest things I've ever seen

Canyon Lake....a little dry...

and this flippin HUGE house on a hill

And there's a video of the koi at the Japanese Garden 

Happy Madonna

Musings whilst listening to Continuum

So in my attempt to blog more and inability to sleep like a normal person I've decided to start writing and see where it goes. 

I'm tired.

I have so many papers/projects to churn out. I have no exams. I'm not sure what is worse honestly. 

I've been behind all semester but I have 2 weeks left and everything in the world to do.

I'm need to have an opera memorized in a month.

I've looked at 2 pages of it.

I needed family so I went home for Thanksgiving. Then my aunt dies.

I get even more family time, all be it sad. Never thought we'd be a wedding & funeral family but here were are.

I spent all of an hour in the city and I was a cemetery...seems like my kinds hour in new orleans right? Not when you're holding you older cousin as she breaks down realizing it's all over. Or when you loud inconsiderate cousins don't stop  laughing like cackling witches like ypu asked them to while the greeving cousins are saying final prayers by their mother's tomb before they go home. 

Drove though lakeview, reminisced, picked up my favorite pizza, then headed to LaPlace where I would stay for the rest of my visit sitting alone doing homework in the dining room while my cousins work on fixing the last of Hurricane Issac's damage for their poor dad who lost the love of his life.

There was tons of laughter and great moments and family but all I wanted to do was come home and hide in my room when I didn't feel well.

I almost left only a day after arriving. 

Now all the kids have slowly left, returning to their homes and my poor uncle is alone. I miss my city, I miss my family.

More than anything, I miss being happy. I mean people love me and I'm pretty sure it's because I laugh and smile and seem genuinely kind and loving. I am as I was raised to love. 

But now days I'm bitter more than smiley. I'm reclusive and depressed.

I've lost one of the most special persons in my life and I don't have the energy to fix the relationship. Though I think about him everyday and want to text him everyday. Just as usual but I used to think he'd get tired of hearing about my medical problems. Turns out he was really just sick of me in general. I understand. No one can be more sick of me or hate me more than myself.

Another friend who had become my rock and smile factory has barely spoken to or contacted me in two weeks.

And now i feel used & disgaurded by another friend.

And unwanted by yet another friend. 

Oh and yet another friend got married on saturday and asked me to sing months ago but everytime i asked her what se wanted me to sing she never responded. I texted & fb messaged and I know he read fb and ignored me. WTH?

I have other people who love and care for me and I know that. But being hurt is hard and a relatively new problem for me. As I said, people love me.

I hate my job because I want to punch school teachers who don't pay attention to what I say then blame me for not telling them things.

I'm in a rut and thought I found something that would get me through the end of this semester but that fell through so I'll have to keep on trucking as I have all year.

Maybe 2013 will be my lucky year where I'll graduate, heal, and find a decent program. I can inly continue to pray for healing. If I stay the way I am, a career will not be an option. 

Life would loose a lot of meaning for me as I never feel quite as good doing any else but sining for an audience.

It's my drug....well that and pain pills.

I guess this is another bummer blog but I am a little bummed out right now.

I'm wide awake and it's 2:30.

I have class tomorrow, a ton of work to get done and an apartment to clean for a weeken visitor.

Maybe I can get a solid 5 hours.

I'll find my smile again.

I just need some time to breathe.