Welcome to The beginning of year #4 and blog #71. If you are a frequent reader, thank you for sharing my journey of ups and downs. And thank you for your prayers that I am sure accompanied me these three years.
So, let's begin.
Wait for it.....
ok, ready?
Almost there......
just be....
PATIENT
Every aspect of my life currently requires me to be patient.
I'm waiting for some treatment to work.
I'm waiting for an appropriate job opportunity.
I'm waiting for good days to allow me to accomplish something.
I'm waiting for this weird thing on my leg to heal.
I'm waiting for the depression and loneliness to cease and desist.
I'm waiting for someone to get something important resolved.
I'm waiting for someone I love to find joy again.
I'm waiting for someone I love to find a love of self.
I'm waiting for someone I love to make an important life changing journey.
I'm waiting for someone I love to journey into parenthood.
I'm waiting for someone I love to remember our constant happiness.
I'm waiting for someone I love to come back to me.
I'm waiting for someone I love to find God again.
I'm waiting for affection.
I'm waiting to find my career path.
I'm waiting to become a wife.
I'm waiting to become a mother.
I'm waiting to feel like I've started living my life.
I'm waiting for the release of death.
I suppose everyone is always waiting. It is what we do as human beings. Unfortunately society has resisted waiting so much that everything is about instant gratification. With the births of instant grits and instant cameras came the era of instant sharing on social networks. I am a user of these things and am therefore also a victim of impatience. The longer I have to wait for things, the more I try to take things into my own hands. Because if I think I'm controlling everything then I'm less focused on waiting. The only problem that I've discovered besides the fact that I can't solve my problems on my own, is that the waiting is what it's all about.
Psalm 27 and Psalm 130 are just two examples of pleading and waiting for God. Moreover, they are examples of trusting that the wait will be well worth it.
Usually my hardest challenge is waiting for my health to improve, but lately, I've been waiting for someone to heal and dealing with the alone time I've been left with because of it. It is brutal. It is also teaching me things, though I don't pick the lessons up easily. I maybe have come to the realization that I have been filling in the emptiness with everything but God. I thought it was God, but as soon as I was left with tons of free time alone at home, this vast emptiness fell over me and engulfed me. It's like a scene from a movie where the flying bugs are so thick they form a cloud of darkness blocking out all light. It's the debris and rubble the takes over during a demolishing and when it finally clears, the building is no more. I feel like I am no more.
A few days ago, I picked up this little book from a friend, The Path of Waiting by Henri Nouwen. Every page makes so much sense and brings me so much comfort, but when I put the book down and realized I caught the wrong bus, I was thrown back into despair. And I'm not being figurative, I literally was on the wrong bus and wasted an hour, throwing off my entire day which climaxed with me getting rained on.Funny how when I reach out and try to heal myself, I get pulled further back. Not funny, it's the laws of nature, I step into the light and the darkness grabs be back. Now if only i could get my foothold in the light instead of in the darkness.
Besides impatience, I am plagued with uncertainty. The only reason I am impatience for most things is because I am uncertain. I supposed my uncertainty stems from lack of trust, because if I truly trusted, I would be patient. And hence we have come full circle and found the cause of my previous blog.
So since it is so hard to wait and trust that my wishes will come true, I will turn to hope.
Nouwen says:
"Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises and not just according to our wishes."
God has promised us all great things. Let us wait in the Lord, filled with hope.
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