One should never kiss and tell...oops

Since I'm home on a sick day and incredibly bored and alone, I decided I could finally write my fun blog about first kisses. I had some really funny 'isms' to go along with this when I first had the idea but now it is no longer fresh, so forgive me if it isn't as comical as I intend.

So when you like someone, you daydream about that moment when they realize you are irresistible and they go in for the first kiss...ahh the daydream is pure bliss, but in reality the moment can be sheer awkwardness. Allow me to share my most memorable smooches...good and bad. Don't worry, this will all be PG.

Sweetest kiss:
I was interested in this guy for what seemed like ages. We were friends and would go from hanging out, with friends, on a weekly basis to not communicating for months. I never forgot about him and would stalk his fb weekly and scoff if he was ever dating someone. between you and me, I'm pretty sure he kept his eye on my wall somewhat frequently as well. you see, I made it clear from very early on that I was interested in him. maybe I came on a little too strong, but what ever brand of pheromones he was throwing just made me crazy. We had the "more than friends" talk where he gave the "i like you and don't want to ruin our friendship" speech. however, this speech wasn't the typical one. He confessed that he actually has considered dating me but decided we weren't right for each other. I figure you can't really tell that unless you date. (yes you can of course look at someone and know you would never have a future, but when you already are friends and enjoy each other's company, you really can't make that call without giving it a shot) SO this is how it remained for months, until one night that may have involved a bit too much alcohol. Soon, neither one of us would live in the same city and we were basically having a farewell hang. But we both had been thinking about the other. Being the man that he is, he didn't pick up the signals when we were together, so on my way home I texted him what I had been thinking. he has his Homer Simpson "DOH" moment and meets me in the parking lot of my friends apartment complex. And here is when I start to chicken out and get awkward. I honestly couldn't believe that after all this time he was actually there to kiss me and all I could manage to do was hug him. Finally he takes the lead in this dance, kisses my forehead then tilts up my chin and places the slowest most gentle kiss I've ever had. It was a matter of seconds but it moved in slow motion. Almost immediately after I ran away to my friends apt. He left but my friend had fallen asleep and accidentally locked me out. Ridiculously embarrassed that I fled and shamefully stranded in an apartment complex at 3am, I had to ask hime to come back and give me a ride home. Most awkward ride ever, and worst of all, there was no acknowledgement of the moment we shared together. We would revisit our interest in each other in the future but with no long lasting results.

Movie Moment Kiss:
I fell hard for this guy. We hit it off like long time friends, getting to know each other in a matter of days and enjoying every conversation. Only problem was I could tell if I was in the friend zone or being considered as a dating possibility. You see, before my fall, I had only sought friendship from this super cool guy that I wasn't very attracted to. Unfortunately that changed pretty quick. I invited him to a party that my friends and I were having and he was a blast. As people left, he stayed around. After everyone was gone we took a ride to get a soda and came back continuing to talk. It was really quiet, the lights were off and everyone was asleep. Our discussion took a more deep sentimental turn as we discussed serious matters close to our hearts. Honestly these were subjects you barely talk about with long term friends. After one particularly melancholy comment about family, we both sat there in the silence and our eyes met. He leaned in, as if scripted and kissed me for like 10 minutes. (ok maybe only 5) This moment will remain perfect in my memory forever. Sadly, every moment following that kiss for the next 3 weeks I wish I could erase from existence. But hey, you live, you learn, and sometimes you're just the rebound.

Best Kiss Ever:
I dated a few hot guys. And by dated I mean gone on at least 2 dates with. I could not figure out what this particular guy saw in me. I liked him cuz he was fun to banter with and he made me feel special. We were always very awkward together. Chatting was easy but eye contact was not. I could never figure him out, but after a few weeks, his attractiveness started to drive me crazy. He came over one day and for the first time sat on the sofa with me. On this particular day conversation was hard to come by and we were left with thick silence. So I guess I just couldn't take it anymore and stated "are you just gonna sit there or are you gonna kiss me?" He laughed and reached over and gave the the most amazing kiss I think I've ever experience. I can't even begin to describe it or why it was so good, but boy knew what he was doing. I'm guessing he was thoroughly unimpressed with my kissing ability as that was the last day I ever heard from him. Oh well, I feel like I won this one.

The Awkward "are we pre-teens" Kiss:
This kiss definitely did not happen when I was a preteen, however, it felt so inexperienced.
Sometimes people find each other and fall in love immediately but don't want to admit it o themselves or the other person. So you make sure to take it slow. I did not this this person would ever get to the "want to kiss him" stage but after only a few short days that began to change. He was so genuine, kind, goofy, argumentative, honest, and playful. He was kid at heart but in no way immature. this gentleman made me feel like I was being courted. One night he came over for dinner and we ate and had good conversation. We talked about God, what we wanted in a partner and where we were in life. I think after this conversation we both knew we needed to keep dating because there was something there. So as he left I, being a huggy person, went to give him a hug goodbye. I could tell he wanted to kiss me so I immediately replaced the position of my lips with my nose. He was only gonna give me a peck, but I wanted to wait. I already planned in my head that we would kiss after our next planned formal date. I though it would be cute and perfect and since it was the next day, I wouldn't have to wait very long. Our date night ended up being detained so instead of going out we stayed in to watch a movie. We sit on the couch, he opens netflix and picks Disney. Halfway though the first movie I've become smitten and snuggle up to him and lay my head on his chest. I feel like the moment is perfect. Here we are almost 30 and we're enjoying disney cartoons together, while drinking Disaronno and orange juice, theres no way it could get more perfect. after the second movie, I'm sufficiently wooed and he's pretty satisfied with me so I think, now is the time we kiss. No sooner I have that thought and look over to him, he kisses my cheek. I'm sure I started blushing as I smiled and then leaned over so he could really kiss me. Sounds perfect so far right? Well we don't read each other well, our noses get in the way and by the time we fix things the kiss is just not that good. What a let down after that build up. But, if at first you don't succeed...it only took us one more try to get it right. And as life would have it, this extremely imperfect kiss lead to many more kisses from my favorite person to kiss. The kisses are passionate but reserved, sweet and filled with love, and irritatingly infrequent. But this blog was about first kisses anyway.

I always remember how Mia, in Princess Diaries, describes what she wants in a first kiss, she imagines her foot popping up. I suppose I'm lucky as I've had lots of memorable firsts. As I think back on all these kisses, I just realized the only moment I want to relive is that awkward kiss. I only vaguely remember it and i wish i would have cherished it's quirkiness in the moment instead of trying to immediately make it un-awkward. I have a friend who has only kissed her husband. I find that sweet, special and refreshing. I sometimes wish I had that kind of love story but I realize that this last awkward kiss is so special because it was nothing like the rest. It's refreshing in it's own way. And here's a little secret, I want that awkward first kiss to be my last first kiss ever. So maybe love isn't passionate movie kisses or long awaited kisses that take liquid courage, or even perfect kisses for ridiculously attractive people, as they always say, it's unexpected.

Until the Fat Lady Sings

It's 10:30 at night, I have exactly 12 hours before my first professional audition. It's for the new company here in San Antonio, should be at least a B ranked house, it's board is filled with big names. The inaugural season isn't till 2015 so I have no clue what I'm auditioning for.
I've been getting sick since Friday before last and it really hit me on Thursday. I can't shake it. I also haven't been able to really rest and have been singing straight tone all weekend at church. I'm not sleeping. I fall asleep, then wake up just about every hour in a cold sweat. I'm sweaty and freezing at the same time. I can sleep between 5 - 9 but I've had to be up early everyday and each day I've been fairly active. No rest.
My next audition is Saturday in Natchez....after a 16 hour bus trip and two long days of teaching.
No rest.

Talking to my dear buddy about my fears of a bad audition and just worries in general seemed to be more problematic for my psyche than good.
He said that I'm really emotional....well duh, Any of you readers know that.
I'm artsy, I feel the things I see and the music and words that I hear.
It's how's I'm made, It's what makes me who I am.
Without those over passionate feeling, I wouldn't strive for anything.
It's what keeps me going....good or bad.

I can't change the fact the I cry for just about every feeling...even when something is seriously funny....and I refuse to change. Lyrics made me cry, music makes me cry, poetry makes me cry, movies make me cry, stories make me cry.
Without this, I'd me much less of an opera singer. You have to be a little crazy to get in front of people and become somebody else....
Look at all the actors and pop stars who loose it for a bit, they feel too but they have so much pressure on them, they fall.

But I also laugh...a lot...at funny things, silly things, uncomfortable situations, confusing conversations, and when things go all wrong
And I smile
I smile through the pain even
Because I like to smile

And most of all, I love, sometimes, I love a bit to much

I don't know if I'll audition tomorrow as it is already midnight.
I also don't know if I will still be with the man I love after tomorrow.
What I know is that I'm not willing to change and I'm not trying to change him.
I also know that my throat is scratchy, my sinuses are clogged, and my body is fatigued.
I'm scared of what tomorrow brings...
Missed opportunity vs bad first impression
The end of a relationship that isn't going anywhere or the realization that someone loves me the way I am, good and bad, unconditionally...the scariest part is I already thought he did.

And after tomorrow, I keep taking airborne, emergen-c, musinex, theraflu, and throat coat, while I continue to practice and be prepared for Saturday
...because the show (life) must go on.


UPDATE: All today brought was rest, peace, happiness, and a very long talk that ended in understanding and promises to communicate better. Today was as amazing day.
Before the "talk" all I could think was savor every moment cuz it's probably your last day this happy. But it wasn't and I'm pretty sure I have many more days to be this happy. And missing my audition was the best decision I could have made. I'm so happy & feeling much less sick. God gave me a special blessing today and I am so grateful that he shined down his mercy.

Make me what you will...

Hello there, I kept a journal on retreat. People thought I was crazy cuz my every spare second was spent jotting down my thoughts. So here I am a week after retreat. I will type my journal, yep, you get to know my every thought, good & bad, then give post-retreat follow up thoughts. The paragraphs change as time passes.
Here we go:

"Never wanted to attend an ACTS retreat. Seemed cultish. Finally was called and so very excited to go...until the day it's gonna happen. I was nervous and preoccupied all day trying to finish "life" stuff. I arrive at check-in at the church and feel so young. I'm so shy, I forget that about myself. I looked like I was being forced to attend because I suffer from BFR. (yes someone told me I looked like I was forced to be there)

We get to the retreat center and there is a welcome committee with singing and noise makers...Instantly, I want to go home. Everyone is smiling and telling me their name and hugging me.

Pure Misery

Why are they so happy? Then more singing with hand movements. I signed up for a retreat, not my personal hell. So, tell me, why is it that I can't be happy? I love God. I love Jesus. I talk to Him daily. Things CAN move me. Yet, all I could think of during stations of the cross was that the reader was overly emotional, why was she crying?

HELLO! She's crying cuz she's recalling the complete AGONY Christ went through so that I would be free. Still not phased. I think I'm broken. Unable to feel...that can't be true. I cry ALL THE TIME! Where is my warm fuzzy feeling? All i did was daydream, reflect on my hate of guitars and praise music, and wish that this was a silent retreat. Sadly, I wasn't happy until I was sitting quietly out in front of a grotto and then told not to talk through the rest of the night/morning. Finally, no small talk or "new friends"
               (side note: I came here wanting to make friends)

Morning Thoughts:
They came around to wake us up long before the sun decided to wake. I planned on getting up early and showering/dressing then sleeping till the bell. I did wake up...dreamed that I did the rest. My roommate had to wake me up cuz I fell asleep thinking I was ready. I'm tired. Yesterday was a long day. Also...these people don't get the concept of silent. Don't Speak, as Gwen Staffani said in the grand ole 90s. Now, I sit here with my rooibus awkwardly one of the first 10 people out of 35 who are ready. My shower was too fast and unfulfilling. I'm not hurting much though, slightly uncomfortable because of quick shower but I am moving and sitting without wincing. I'm gonna pay attention to my tea now and figure out how to be open.

And then they play a song that you feel like you wrote...Breaking You - Audrey Assad
And then the mantra "don't cry"
not yet...

Questions: Who am I?
                 Where am I going?
                 What is the purpose of my life and what role does God have in it?

I don't know

Now they ask me what luggage do I need to get rid of...

There's so much. Yet I can't name it. What's holding me back?

Bitterness-Regret-Anxiety 

Must forgive myself and allow myself to trust that I will be ok.

When I was in high school on retreat, we had bags for each person and we were able to give each other anonymous notes. It was my favorite thing. Made me feel so warm and fuzzy and loved. 

We have those here like in high school.

Went to confession, sadly I had to, even though I went recently. I am trying to forgive myself but I'm starting to think I'm holding onto resentment for someone else. I need to forgive. I'm prideful and claim that I don't hold grudges and that it's easy for me to forgive. I may be lying to myself. So how do I forgive someone who really isn't in the blame, but I blame them?

I was just minding my own business, looking at a bulletin board and eating cheeze-its when a sister who didn't recognize me from the retreat walked up and started talking to me. I wanted to talk to her all day but didn't know how to approach her. So the fact that she just started chatting with me made me so happy, especially when she said come sit and chat with me. She asked me if I was in school and I told her I graduated in May and she asked "In Music?" She saw my treble clef necklace and assumed.

When I told her I wanted to do opera but that it might not happen, she said Why not? It is your dream isn't it? Didn't we just talk about the Holy Spirit? She asked me about the process and my trouble finding a job. She offered an idea for a solution and gave me a contact to start a studio. and she made it sound so easy to afford my habit and stressed praying for the Holy Spirit to open the hearts of others to help me. Simple.

Maybe it is that simple

"Ask and you shall receive"

It's right there

It's time I start to believe it

Really believe and trust. Trust. 

It's been a full night. I don't even remember what i was gonna write. I've met lots of lovely people. I don't know if I've made a connection with anyone though. My table-mates are nice. I want to be friends with one of them but I don't know how to break the ice. My roommate is great. She's here with her 19yr old daughter. We chatted for a while tonight. Sadly she lives 50 minutes away. I threw away those three problems I mentioned earlier. I talked about them with my table and am thinking that most of it will be left behind me. I'm hopeful and that's something. Hope has been hard to find for months now. It sure is helping that I'm feeling pretty good. I have get-up-and-go in the morning and haven't taken pain pills in days. I hope people see a change in me. Like I increased my contrast and saturation so I'm more vibrant and pop. I mainly hope F sees something better in me. Something that's always been there, just fuzzy, dull. 

I woke up in pain and thought the day was ruined. Luckily only a few hours seemed bad. I don't know what to say other than I'm happy and don't have a care in the world. My table mates are so very fun. We just did something that I probably shouldn't talk about cuz the goings on of this retreat are supposed to be secret. Though, I honestly don't see any difference between this and most of my H.S. retreats. So I'm not sure why there are so many secrets. Time, however doesn't exist. I really think I let everything go. Maybe tuesday will come and it will all come crashing back down on me. It will. But, maybe I will handle it differently. I think I made friends. Yet I always sit alone. That's ok. I don't feel alone and I don't need people to be best buds with, just support and friendly faces at church. And I do know some are just a phone call away. That is comforting. I am ready to have some alone time though. Praise & Worship has never been my cup of tea. But I'm joining in.

Lately, I've been thinking about studying theology. All I can say is stopping me is the money...or lack there of. I want to be more educated. I used to be smart. Although sometimes knowing more makes me like a Pharisee, I need to be careful with that. Anyway studying the Bible and Church law are very interesting to me. I miss my college theology classes. We'll see.

I'm super exhausted. I feel weird. I don't know what's wrong.

I had a horrible night. Every activity after dinner bothered me, or didn't affect me.Why can't I allow myself to feel? All I could think was "I'm dead inside" then i remember times when I'm so touched, I weep. Most recently it was the Shane & Shane song "Though you Slay me." So that means I'm not all dead. Then I must be like a rotting apple. If I don't hurry up and cut out the bad parts they will spread. So I began to analyze why I wasn't moved like everyone else. 1) I hate crying in public - hasn't stopped me before 2) Praise music, I can only handle so much - but what's wrong? It wasn't part of liturgy....3) Togetherness - too many people around me all day long - yet I get lonely 4) It was a long day - we all know I shut down after a while and I woke up hurting and I'm not used to such long physical days. But the energy, I should have fed off of people, but I was just closed off which brings me to 5) I won't open my heart. Why am I afraid to be happy. The letter I wrote F this afternoon sounded so full of joy and positivity and like the Holy Spirit was working in me. What happened later? What was the trigger? I may never know

Sister Luz pulled me away from breakfast and lunch today to introduce me to a lady in the choir and the pastor. She is all about getting me involved and using my talent. Which our gospel reading was about today. She made me sing Salve Regina after the rosary. Then everyone was telling me I had a pretty voice. I am so bad at complements. Now they're all trying to get me in choir and handbells. I just realized that I needed a bath. I'm used to taking them to feel better and we only have a stand up shower. So this morning, I'm still hurting. However, I am much happier this morning. My roommate and I chat a lot. I really hope we keep in touch. This morning has been so much better. I'm so happy now, again. I must have just been tired. I'm hurting a bit today but I'm still OK. Feeling super happy. They made me sing the Ave Maria...just put me on the spot. LOL Oh well such is life."




So I didn't write after this, but the rest of the experience was lovely and being at mass with 72 new friends was wonderful. I have several phone numbers and have talked to one person by text several times. I saw a few people at mass today and gave hugs. Just what I wanted.
As for the week, I have not stressed about stuff. I have not been constantly positive but I have been feeling bad. I was sharp with F a couple times. He was acting weird on the phone on monday and then needy on tuesday. I think it's because I was feeling bad, but also, because I wanted him to see me like sunshine, and the day was imperfect so by the time we got to see each other I was a little bummed. Especially cuz our plans went sour. And he gave me some news about stuff that was going on and it made me a little unhappy. Also, because he brought up stuff about the retreat but when I tried to talk about it he put up that anti-Catholic shield. Like he's gonna catch a contagious disease. I can't help but get a little worked up. I just want him to accept my lifestyle and not look down on me. However, he has been amazing in other topics. Also, the letter I wrote him was apparently just what he needed. He was feeling confused and upset about somethings and said he actually was considering taking a break with me. (that stung) Without me knowing, that letter about God made him feel more secure with me. He said that the letter showed him that I had the qualities he wanted in a woman. Strange conversation, and it's not my place to go in to the details, but we've been good since. Not that there was anything wrong before, I just want to be kinder and not jump down his throat when he says something wrong or when I have to repeat myself for the 15th time because he didn't remember.

I've been working on things all week and paying bills and never got upset or stressed. I haven't snapped at my mother except once when she was giving awful directions. I feel like I'm happier. I feel like now I am finally open...now, I'm actually ready for a retreat. I've forgiven that person I mentioned earlier, though I haven't been able to tell this person due to circumstances. I think I have become ok with just knowing that I've let go.

I have a cd that takes you down from your spiritual high and places you back into the real world with a series of meditations. Oddly enough, i enjoy the music. The title of this entry is one of the songs and my prayer for myself. Another song is my current goal. I'll leave you with the link to the song. Listen to the words and try to challenge yourself.

whew
that was a lot

I know it's not sensible To be this passionate, everyday...

I have so much to say but have no clue what to say. I've been quiet over the past month because there's been a lot of changes in my life. Mostly, I've been trying to get my apartment in order from the fusion of three people and all of our stuff. I lost one roommate, gained another and ended up with sooooo much furniture and stuff that the place was nearly inhabitable. So the apartment is completely rearranged and so is my room. We're still not done, hopefully one more week. To top it off I was feeling awful and the last thing I wanted I wanted to do was be on the computer...I was already there looking for jobs everyday.
That's another problem, I have no money. I have borrowed money from friends and here I am again, mid month and not sure how I'm gonna pay my rent for September. Seriously. I can not understand why I am not finding a job. I am really stressed and hiding it and letting it build up and snapping at the people who help me the most.
I went to confession today and subsequently received the Eucharist for the first time in months. It is really crappy that I don't have anyone to talk to about my feelings toward these things. I usually feel relieved, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I'm joyful and renewed after receiving reconciliation...not so much today. I feel like three our fathers and thinking about letting God help me just isn't enough. Thankfully I was lucky enough to be able to sign up for a retreat that I've been meaning to go to. It's an ACTS retreat, something that I was previously against...like super against...but after a friend who was also against them went on one, I decided to give it a shot. Since then, I've been waiting and waiting and this opportunity just dropped into my lap. With God there are no coincidences. I was randomly able to attend mass at the church parish I would like to call home for the first time in almost 2 months. And this was the day they announced the ACTS retreat and started signing people up. Only 35 can go and I was there at the beginning. It's like God said, "There you go, NOW you're ready for me to fix you, you can go." I am beyond ecstatic to be able to spend 3 days in prayer and reflection and whatever other secret things they do on these retreats. I am a hard shell to crack, I expect I will be crying constantly and I hope to return a with a renewed zeal for my Lord and a healthier prayer life AND THANKFUL. I am so often focused on the bad things in my life, because I honestly have more than my "fair" load, but I always overlook the sheer joy that stares me in the face. I am a blessed woman. SO BLESSED. Why is it so hard for me to accept that, to focus on that?

Lately, I've been having a really rough time with finding employment. I look at facebook and see all these people with great jobs, steady income, fun lives, beautiful little families, vacationing, and I think...how is this possible. Some of these people don't even work, some of these people didn't spend time and money in school. I worked my butt off for 10 years paying my way through 3 degrees, racking up debt, killing myself in school work, only to emerge unable to get a simple job as a secretary. What is it about me that is so nauseating that I can't even get an interview for one of the 60 jobs I've applied for? I am not being picky, yet, friends of mine who are being extremely picky, get jobs thrown in their laps. Exactly what each wanted, salary, benefits, in their field. I apply for everything that says Admin Assist or Receptionist, or Secretary, and do not receive one call. This has been weighing on me, and with each chunk of money I have to borrow, it weighs more. Today I accepted a crappy job as a voice teacher at a high school where the kids probably won't pay me on time. I'm also getting a very low fee per lesson. I love teaching privately, but this is not my cup of tea. I have another school ready to hire me, but I can't get there on the bus. This is a rich school with tons of students ready to take lessons and pay. Both are soooooooooooooooo far away. This makes me feel like nothing in my life can come to me with any amount of ease. And this is where all the bad thoughts slip in and where I forget to be thankful for what I have.

This brings me to a topic I didn't necessarily want to discuss in a public setting, but it is currently my biggest blessing, next to my friendships. I have moved a bit too quickly into a relationship, but it was the only easy thing I've had happen to me in months. I've only been with my boyfriend for 4 weeks. That is a very very short time, but these have been a hard & long 4 weeks for me. I am mentally and emotionally on edge and physically sick. This wonderful man is here every day to smile at me, tell me I'm beautiful and most importantly, that he loves me. He loves me. I am a wreck. I am damaged goods and he is standing there with glue. I told him that God needed to be the center of our relationship, or it wouldn't work and to pray with me Without fail, before every meal we hold hands and thank God for our food and each other. Before bed at night, if we remember before the sleep takes us away, we pray for our relationship and ask that God guide us down the path we are meant to go. He has already seen me at my worst, panic attacks, sickness, all of my ways I try to push people away, my bad temper, my stubborn attitude, everything negative about me, he has seen. Some how, he stays. He loves me. I don't know how long we will be together, maybe a few more months, a couple of years, or forever, but it doesn't matter. In my heart, I know that God sent him to me to help me. Even if he is not sure about it being God's will, which I am not sure he's sold on....There is no sensible person on this earth who would not have said, forget you by now if it were not for the will of God. (that sentence is poorly written but I'm too tired to fix it) He might just be around to fix me after my year of letting horrible men into my life. I might just be here for him to practice being the better man that his ex required. This may all be temporary, but it is good. He has the biggest heart I have ever been privileged to know; he help everyone and wants nothing in return. He sends me Good Morning and Good Night text messages. Calls me sweetie, my dove, and as of today, my potato (lol) He loves those silly minions from Despicable Me. He's selfless and sweet, and scattered and goofy, and obsessed with going to the gym. e works too much, doesn't care to own a car, and is always late. We have very little common interests among music, movies, and past times, but we love passing time together. He barely thinks I'm a Christian because I'm Catholic, but we're working on the misconception that I worship idols. He's annoying like a little kid and looses everything. He has selective hearing and reading and forgets everything. He's short, slim, and Mexican. And I, I am completely in love with him.
Today sold me, as if I needed more reasons to think he was wonderful. He used his entire off day to take a two and a half hour public bus ride with me to go on a job interview. This was an 8 hour day, 70% spent on a bus, 20% waiting for me or the bus, and 10% enjoying a meal together. Without him, today would have been unbearable. I've shown him my arms, he just hugged me and said he was sorry. He has researched my illness, asked what he needed to know in case anything happened, and has paid for medicine and brought me to an appointment.
WHY. Everyday I wonder, what can he possibly see in me. Tonight after he got home he texted me "ty for everything"....What does he possible have to thank me for? HE HELPED ME. Why? Why does he love me?
I know I don't deserve him as I am, but everyday, I am trying to be a better person, some days, like today, I fail, but he knows I'm trying. He doesn't deserve to be treated the way I treat him sometimes. And even in we brake up soon or one of us moves, I know, I will be a better person, a better woman, a better Christian, because he has graced my life. Maybe 6 weeks ago, he told me that he was blessed to have met me, and he continues to say this. It made me cry then and will always tear at my heart....what a wonderful feeling, to have someone say that it is a blessing to know you. I pray that he knows how I feel. I try to tell him and instantly feel too serious or mushy. We've been a couple for 4 weeks. This is insane.

Before I had this day, I planned on writing something funny about "first kisses"
I think I'll keep this topic for next time. We'll see if I have time to blog before my retreat in exactly one week. If not, the next blog with definitely be about the retreat. I hope to return a happier person. A nicer person.

My blog tittle "Days Go By" was taken from the Duncan Sheik song of that tittle...yes this one specifically, I know may songs have this title but when I began I was thinking Ducan.

so here are some of the lyrics and a link to that song. It is quite fitting now as these days go by....

I know it's not fashionable

To be this hopeful, well laugh away

I didn't think it was possible

To be grateful, anyway

I know it's not sensible

To be this passionate, everyday

Days go by

I catch myself smile

More than you'd ever expect

It's been a long while

Since it's been o.k.

To feel this way

In the volumes of history

Have you ever seen anything, so pure

In the wildest mythology

Were the gods and goddesses, ever so in love

In your own experience

Have you ever known tenderness, like this

Days go by

I catch myself smile

More than you´d ever expect

It's been a long while

Since it's been o.k.

To feel this way

These are the most precious

Of all my days

Have a precious day
Till next time....

Confidence

Confidence

This characteristic is lacking in many people. We all need it in order to be believed, to be trusted, to be efficient...it's a necessity.

As a musician, a singer, a performer, I need as much confidence in myself as a salesman has in his product. When I was young, I remember doing anything I wanted. I was dancing, singing, dressing up in play clothes and at age five writing love notes to my dance teacher's 7yr old son. I wouldn't shut up and got bad conduct marks, I hit my cousin when she upset me, and danced in the street with the Casa Samba during Mardi Gras.

Somehow my very confident nature was beat out of me before my adolescence.

Middle School was hell for this fat, ugly, hairy legged, poor girl. I had bad hair, bad clothes (even though I wore a uniform) and bad grades. I had a decent voice but not a pretty as a fee of my "friends"

I was an outcast, friending the nerds and goths, sitting on the edge of the blacktop by our oak tree during recess. I was one of maybe 4 middle school students to join the choir. If the choir had been big, I may not be a musician today. I received special attention, and because our age messed up the choir from competing, we were basically used for Mass and cantoring. Louis Hackett may never know how he influenced my life, and whenever I happen to see him playing at a random church in Metairie, I never have the guts to tell him. I was able to audition acapella with a Jewel song (it was the 90s folks) for the 8th grade musical and I got one of the best parts in the play. But still, i was self conscious.

High School was not nearly as bad. I found a lot more outcasts and the chill people who are generally liked by all and grow up to be the REALLY cool people. (I see them living their lives on fb! And we occasionally meet up for coffee or food...cool as shit) I was in tons of clubs, always ran for student council, auditioned for plays & talent shows, I was active and everyone at least knew me...well...my name was Madonna...

Unfortunately, I did not shine at music, or art, or theater, or academics...

During high school I attended a creative arts school for creative writing. This place, this is where I felt at home. To this day, if I walk on campus I am immediately transported to that special feeling I had to be there with all of these right brained individuals. Even though music didn't accept me, I was able to express myself in writing and forced to read it to the class. If that doesn't help your shyness or confidence, I don't know what will.

My last year there I was finally in the music program. A senior in HS getting her first voice lessons? I was a good singer but definitely late in life to have decided to study music instead of applying to LSU for pre-vet. But here I had confidence (except on music theory because they had me in counterpoint when I couldn't even spell a freaking chord).

I put that theory comment in parenthesis but it's rather important. I had to take a theory placement test as a part of my audition for Loyola. (yep, I dream big only...f$*# UNO...where I probably would have been accepted)

This test was timed and I didn't know what the hell I was doing, like at all. So between f-ing that up as well as my audition (why did I sing Bist du bei mir? I didn't have a B! Nor could I speak german...idiot) I didn't get in.

And so continued the blows to my minuscule ego.

These continued, I finally did get into Loyola but was sooooooooooooo scared to start...Katrina saw to it that I didn't go to my dream school...

I had no confidence, where did it all go?

Slowly, I began to improve and realize that I was kinda a big deal (LMAO!!! No, just joking) and began to gain confidence in my voice but I was not at all confident in my appearance. My acting suffered and I was awful on stage, afraid to move, to show emotion though I felt it all very strongly inside my gut.

(Pausing to realize my audience knows everything about me already, why am I writing this!?)

By the time I finished my 5 year bachelor degree, I was fit to audition to colleges for a BACHELOR degree. No lie, I was so behind.

But I stayed there for my masters and after just a semester I started becoming the singer I am today. I blame it of course on my voice teacher but mostly on discovering pedagogy. She spoke and everything clicked. After a year I was no where near the singer i was for my senior recital and I wanted to perform. (It's all I EVER wanted from day one) Just as I started to believe I was special and not run of the mill, I was rejected from every post graduate program I applied for. I was only accepted at UTSA for a masters program in performance and pedagogy.

Honestly, everything has been better since I've been here. I am a better singer. I am a better performer. I understand how everything works. I feel like I can take a voice and fix it, sanding down the flaws, bringing out the uniqueness. But when it comes to be putting a foot into the professional world, I get all frozen.

I recently took on a position as section leader in a church choir. We are transitioning me in to the choir and the sop. I'm replacing out. Today she got up and took over the rehearsal because it needed to be done and I was instantly intimidated.

How am I gonna fill those big shoes?

Every confidence I have in liturgical music was put to the test. I began to doubt myself, my work as a cantor for half of my twenties, my long lost desire to be a full time music minister and have a degree in sacred music.

I'm just scared. I don't like doing things that I'm not gonna do well.

Which is dumb cuz no one is perfect.

I've even applied for an assistant director  position. I can't keep a pattern to save my life let alone multi task a choir. Here I am, all educated and proud of myself and wanting to work in a music field but too scared of what will happen if I'm not amazing.

So, yeah, confidence...thought I had it in abundance but when put to the test I'm no better than a self conscious pre-teen. My conceited nature must be a front.

In non related aspects of my life, I have recently taken to my long lost love of writing creatively. I haven't wrote a poem in like a year. I posted it on here months after I wrote it cuz the subject of it was one of my readers. Here again, the subject of my poem is an occasional reader. So I hesitate to share it but I really feel like my blog may be a safe place again. Seriously, why did these 2 ppl read my blog? I'm not very interesting and my humor is only funny if you know me really well.

So any way, here it is, a little bit of myself. I hate that I had these feelings. It makes me feel stupid. Like I fell for a prank or let someone fool me. I feel like I was in middle school again getting made fun of and not realizing it until it was too late.  But now that I have expressed myself, I've been feeling better. Can't walk around with all this angst inside of you. So, here it is, a little melodrama but seriously how I feel:

I've never thought of myself as emotionally weak

I'm strong willed and kind of stubborn, so to speak

But your laugh, your smile, your arms wrapped around me so tight

Your strong body, your fierce kiss, it all felt so right

All I needed was a friend who knew the workings of my mind

Someone who'd get my frailty and fire and help me unwind

But the connection seemed too strong and the liquor flowed too fast

And with days of separation, fresher faces and sobriety, it couldn't last

I saw all the signs, analyzed them and every word

My friends too watched, listened and questioned what they heard

I was warned to be careful and tried not to invest my heart

But I wasn't the one pushing it further, you said you wanted to start

So scared of being burned, I never believed your speech

I pined over my cynical nature and wondered why trust was so out of reach

Then one day it happened, your monologue seemed so heartfelt and true

There's no way I could continue not trusting, this feeling was so new.

But as my luck runs foul in every aspect of life

Just as I accepted your words, you brought up your strife

The issue I feared since I felt that first spark

You claimed it was too soon and my world went dark

I was calm, I didn't cry because I knew it all along

It was all too fast, felt too perfect, it had to be wrong

Yet as smart as I am my emotions ran a muck

And with every perfect song lyric I felt like i was hit by a truck

I was so dumb to be so upset, you were never really mine

Except for one drunken night I'd like to erase from my mind

So tell me why I'm so stuck on your mediocre face

I truthfully wasn't impressed by it in the first place

I know with my my whole heart and soul that you are poison to me

If only i had listened to my friends early, these feelings wouldn't be

And now I've "moved on" or so I would like to believe

But you're still in the back of my mind  like an inception I'm waiting to conceive

If only I could hate you, deep down I know you lied

I was just too intense for you, why not be truthful and swallow your pride

I've found someone who appreciates that i know what I seek

He dotes on me and buys me flowers after only a week

When I think of him I can't help but smile

He knows what he wants, he's ready for it, and I like his style

I've never felt so beautiful than when he looks at me with his smiling eyes

He's no where near perfect but when I spend the day with him time flies

I wrote this rhyming prose as an ode to forget your good parts

I need more space in my mind and heart for this new start

I know several reasons make it hard to erase you from my memory

But the sooner your face and body are gone, the happier I'll be.

So it's time to delete the "Victor" playlist and make one filled with happy songs like Tyrone Wells "happy as the sun" and Blood Sweat & Tears "you've made me so very happy" cuz I'm a big hopeless romantic cheeseball like that and luckily so is he. :)

These are the days of my life

Kind of a weird blog…Disjunct cuz I wrote a little bit ever couple days this week. Also...I used lots of incomplete phrases instead of sentences...maybe it's symbolic of something...nerd 

Wake up, get out of bed 

Walk to couch where Xander curls up next to me, resting his head on my leg and we snooze. 

Get up, attempt to clean kitchen but pour a bowl of cereal instead and have a staring contest with X while he eyes the milk dripping from my spoon....

Unemployment sucks.

What's even worst than not having anything to do and no money, is not feeling well enough to do anything.

I've been thinking about starting a HS blog, something more daily where I can vent and talk about all the treatments I've tried. Maybe some other sufferers will find it and we can commiserate or help each other.

I mean, I'm getting more comfortable about being open but it's hard to talk about.

This week I'm working a choir camp.

Should be simple, I thought.

Unfortunately, the days are so long and I'm stuck in the same clothes for 15 hours. I had to change for different activities 3 times yesterday but I forgot to bring extra bandages.

When I finally go to bed, I can only get 5 hours of sleep, though I can barely sleep. When I wake up, I'm as stiff as a board and every inch of me hurts.

My job required me to reach a lot which is better than the other counselors who had to play games and such, but it was still difficult at times.

I applied for disability in april/may because I want to try some treatments or surgery, I wouldn't be able to work during my healing process and I can just start a job and take leave. So i decided for my betterment and alleviated stress level, this was the way to go. I doubt I'll get it. My case is weird but I want to try it. So today I finally had my first examination. It was more of a discussion and a can you walk, touch your toes...ect...

Then he actually looked at me but he doesn't know much about my issue. He said so. He also said he'd try to build me a case. I froze up in there. I couldn't effectively talk about how it interfered with my everyday life. Stupid. I'm sure I blew my chances. One more exam on the 12th, psych. 

Today was a very nice morning. It was half overcast, looked like rain, and breezy. I enjoyed my walk to the bus and around the doctor's office.

Then it got hot & sunny.

So I'm trying to get to the DMV cuz my license expired 2 days ago. Can't figure out which bus, and where to catch it, then realize that I don't have cash for the DMV or change to catch the bus. While this is happening, this 40/50 yr old Mexican man walked up to me speaking Spanish, I say I don't speak it and brush him off. But no, he starts speaking broken English to me. Next thing I know, he's telling me that Market Square has lots of good jobs that pay cash and $9/hour. Then he says I'm "muy bonita" and have nice hair and face and ect... I think I'm almost done with him but next he says "you eat? We can find food here. I'm hungry, you should eat, we can get tuna"

... 

Yep, I sure can attract them with my messy bun, sweaty face, and fat ass.

I gave up, had lunch with a friend and caught the bus back home.

But I'm trying not to be depressed even though  I only have $6 to my name....yep, that's all

And here's some updates, since this has turned into a blog about my dating life...

I have a date tonight with a sweet guy who seems just as silly as me.

Classic: dinner and a movie...though it might change to late night bowling and pizza...how wonderfully cliche.

(Whoa, just realized, I have a date on a friday night...how mainstream of me)

I'm cynical so I figure I'll find his dark spot soon. (I'm actually super excited and kinda nervous, which is new)

We talked on the phone for two hours last night about nothing and there were no awkward pauses at all so should be a chatty night of me getting burned about playing D&D.

If you were wondering, I didn't have to pick Victor or Charlie, they both dropped me...that was fun

I guess the stupid dating keeps my mind off of the serious things, makes me feel a little more normal. Rejection, I guess, is less painful and more normal that feeling like an 80 yr old and not being able to keep up the same social life your friends do.

I deactivated my accounts though, I'm kinda over it. Maybe it's time to face my issues again. Time to buck up and try new treatments. change my diet again, something less drastic so it's not so stressful and expensive. I'm thinking a diabetic diet to get rid of excess sugar. I've read that these types of things feed on sugar. Can do much of anything though, if I can't buy groceries....

And right now, I'm finishing this blog while the piano is being played and my roommate is singing.

This is so nice.

Life ain't so bad

                                                       

So it looks like we've come full circle,

And these are the days of my life.....

The Texas sun beats down upon me like the devils smile I'd rather be anywhere else than here...

Was it a blinding lack of subtlety 

or just the lack of style

responding to the ways and means of fear

Take me back to New Orleans

And drop me at my door

Cause I might love you yeah

but I love me more

I always blog more when I'm not in school, I haven't much to do and spend too much time thinking when I should be painting or making jewelry or reading, or swimming.

I can't not live in New Orleans any longer. I can pull out tons of jazz hits & oldies to explain my draw to that ragged dirty beautiful city.

Ya know how I feel, like that Jason Mraz song A Beautiful Mess, is about me...well it's also about nola. What a mess! Trash, homeless, poverty, urine rises off the steers....yet look at it from afar. I'll be dammed if she's not a beauty, flaws and all.

Here are the lyrics to the Jason Mraz song I feel like it's me and my city.

(I must be insane or something, anyway, this is my favotire version)

You’ve got the best of both worlds

You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man

And lift him back up again

You are strong but you’re needy, humble but you’re greedy

Based on your body language and shorty cursive I’ve been reading

You’re style is quite selective but your mind is rather reckless

Well, I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is

It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well, it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write

And kind of turn themselves into knives

And don’t mind my nerve you can call it fiction

'Cause I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear

'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice

Your comebacks they’re quick and probably

Have to do with your insecurities

There’s no shame in being crazy depending on how you take these

Words they're paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging

And it’s a beautiful mess, yes, it is

It’s like we're picking up trash in dresses

Well, it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say

Kind of turn themselves into blades

And the kind and courteous is a life I’ve heard

But it’s nice to say that we played in the dirt

'Cause here, here we are, here we are

Here we are, here we are

Here we are, here we are

Here we are, here we are

Here we are, we're still here

And what a beautiful mess this is

It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words and priceless pictures

We’ll fly like birds not of this earth

And tides they turn and hearts disfigure

But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together

And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts

But it's nice today, oh, the wait was so worth it

I know I know

This kind of blog usually gets written a couple times a year when I get homesick. Well those feelings have been exacerbated by a recent series of events.
I've become someone I don't like. These past few weeks have brought out the worst in me and I would give anything to erase them from my memory. I know living here has changed me. Change is a good thing unless it's a change for the worse. And you usually can learn aomething from it if it's a change for rhe bad, but I have no clue what I learned except that I'm not who I thought I was and that I'm gonna have to work even harder to be the person I want to be. It really sucks.
Also, twice in two weeks something has happened that is inexplicable.
So here I am,  in my most hated state of the nation (it doesn't count that one set of grandparents lived in orange, it's close to the boarder), Texas.

Though I am extremely happy with my friends, (seriously, my life is great) nothing is holding me here except the fear of change. I mean these friends have gotten me through tough times, but I can easily fall back in to the circle of my old high school friends. We'd go to festivals, art  events, concerts and I'd play with their kids, go to baptisms and first communions. It'd be like I always wanted it. Unfortunately, this decision would probably mean that performing will not be a part of my future.

Now I know that I still have my name in the church musicians circle in nola/metairie so I would be able to at least sub for cantors, if not quickly get a regular gig.

Unfortunately, though I'd be making $100 more there than I am here, it would not be enough to live off of.

Down part is, there's not any openings at the few community colleges they have. The only work I want to do with my degrees is perform or teach college  And i know how it is for a musician in nola, you work 5 jobs: sing at 2 churches, have a private studio, teach somewhere part-time, sing in the opera chorus for pennies, and maybe a part time non musical job just to make ends meet.

I want to make sure you realize that I am not complaining. I knew this fact going in to music. But at one point, maybe before I caught the performer bug, I wanted to be a music minister at a big parish and a music therapist.

That's a more level headed life.

But once I actually started to have a real voice, Puccini called me to the lights, and I thought, maybe I am good enough, maybe my voice is unique enough. And finally, "God brought me to San Antonio, I don't want to be here at all but maybe it's part of His divine plan for me"

So SA has brought me freedom, sickness, the most horrible heartaches I've ever felt, a kick-ass assortment of friends, a handful of loving little brother, a personality twin, debt, and poverty.

With every fiber of my being I long to walk down the streets of New Orleans, picnic in City Park, sit in a bench in front of the lake, read a book in a quaint non commercial coffee shop, run in to familiar faces while shopping down Magazine St, listen to a ragtag jazz band play in Jackson Square in front of the cathedral, and eat beignets and daiquiris whenever I damn well please!

Hopeless romantic, idealist, stuck in the past; the former glory of my life before Katrina.

My life sucked before Katrina

I cried everyday, loved my job but was ready to sneak out my belongings and live else where because I couldn't stand living with my father. I had to secretly order my birth certificate and sneak out from work on my lunch break to even get a state ID. But my family members were still all alive and family time was always the best. The summer before the storm was indeed the best 3 months of my life. I had friends and freedom. I had a live journal...it was ridiculous, and myspace.  I went to concerts almost once a month, was accepted into my dream school...Life was as I wanted it, mostly.

So I listen to old cowboy mouth, some paul simon, and that Jason Mraz song while I long to be home.

I try to ignore the crappy things that happen here and live in the moment and be happy with my current life.

I have two interviews this week and I am still applying for other places. But know at the drop of a hat I would move to New Orleans if I had a job. Because....

Yes, all the marching bands will roll

I'll find my city in my soul

because I plan on growing old

on the Avenue

In the words of Jason Mraz, Life is wonderful...

It takes some silence to make sound

It takes a loss before you found it

And it takes a road to go nowhere

It takes a toll to make you care

It takes a hole to make a mountain

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful

Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle

Ha la la la la la life is wonderful

Ha la la la la la life is meaningful

Ha la la la la la life is wonderful

Ha la la la la la life it is...so...wonderful

I tried to write about this topic a while back, maybe April, but something happened and made the warm fuzzies go away. And then i would have posted what I had but it got deleted from my notes. A lot of it was originally brought on by my amazing birthday celebrations this year. That's when I began to realize how awesome my friends are.

So now that I'm in a super happy mood, I'm gonna crank it out.

I am astounded at the blessings that have been put into my life. God has made my path cross with some of the most amazing people. I claim constantly that I'm not a people person yet I'm a typical Aries who loves to be in the middle of it all.

Lately, I've spent almost no time at home because my beautiful friends always claim me. I can't say no, not because I'm bad at turning stuff down, but because I absolutely love spending time with people.

I loved Navarro tour cuz I spent so much time with people being silly backstage and getting to interact with the kiddos. After that was all over, the cycle just continued.

These past six days have been some of the best this year. I was with a few of my favorite family members, my roommate, I got a new church choir job, finally saw a band live that I've been waiting to see for years, went sight seeing in SA, and just spent random time in the company of quirky people doing lots of nothing.

Each time before I do something, I think how I would rather stay home, then I force myself to go and am immediately happy that I went.

I'm even hanging out with different people than usual and it's kinda nice to mix it up.

This past year, two years, has been filled with stress, troubles, uncertainty, sadness, confusion, lack of faith, hopelessness, wonder, long nights, homesickness, pain and hard work.

In the midst of all this chaos, I somehow developed several deep connections with people and gained a bunch of friends. I define a friend as a person who enjoys your company and is willing and wanting to enjoy it outside of any previous obligation to be in your company. Not all of these people would die for me but they are indeed more than acquaintances.

After the fog of academia was lifted,  my social side emerged, I realized I was like this in Monroe, I just forgot what it was like to have plans every night, to have a weekly hang out at a certain place where you could run into anyone.

I feel like I have a life, like on sitcoms.

A group of friends who get together to do the same activities and go to the same places  regularly.

It's beautiful lol

I know I sound ridiculous but I am really happy right now.

I have so many little problems that could really get me down but the love and support from this group of people is making it so easy to deal with the bad things life throws at me.

They are my distraction and friends like Melissa, Jessica, Toni, and Ashley try to keep me in check spiritually...only Jessica is here to hold my hand through stupid decisions I make and to accompany me to mass, the rest are a phone call away to tell me it'll be ok, to tell me to trust, or to share an appropriate bible verse or page from a daily prayer book. And then there's the roommate who knows everything and when I need to break down, she is there to make me feel uncomfortable about crying...thus I shut up and blog lol

Speaking of blogging,

I learned a lesson the hard way, I should not blog about people, even if I think I'm being vague, you never know who will read it. You never know who silently stalks you hahaha

This happened in nov/dec and caused a conversation that I wasn't ready to have and I think it kind of broke a friendship cuz we don't talk anymore. And then again it happened yesterday...but how am I supposed to know my blog is actually being read by people who know me??

ooops  :-/

This however had a better outcome, I think, I was supper blushed and embarrassed but I was also grinning from ear to ear. (In case you read this and were wondering)

[...I just paused and re-read those blogs cuz I never remember what I write unless it's clever....I'm kind of mortified...I was crazy honest and now I'm shocked that he actually spoke to me yesterday...at least he knows I think he's the shit, but he also knows I'm nuts, just like Liz Lemmon, Too Soon! I'm probably gonna stick my head in the sand for a few days and learn my lesson and write in my old journal instead...wow...I digress]

So though I am unemployed, running out of money, not in the best health, and not sure about my next step in life or what I really want from a career, I am so very happy.

I still need to work on my soul, my spirituality seems to have been put on the back burner which honestly makes me loose a sense of self.

I had a certain identity for so long and now that that's gone, I'm kind of confused. I focus my prayers on my seriously sick friends and family members, I forget to make time to pray for myself or even to simply meditate on the word. I listened to my favorite priest's homily last Sunday and he just speaks with so much love. He's the epitome of what a priest should be. I really want to go talk to him about everything, I just need some spiritual guidance. That being said, I know God is working great things in my life, my happiness right now is coming from a place of light and love not from the temptations of the devil. So first off I need to work on my thankfulness for all of the wonderful people in my life.

I am so very loved.

It feels wonderful.

I hope they know how much they mean to me because there is not way I can properly express my gratitude for their part in my everyday life.

I hope you guys read this and know how much I love you. I know it's not easy being friends with me, but you would never know that by how y'all act. I love you.

Shiny happy people holding hands

I'm not as strong as my friends think I am. In fact, I'm not as strong as I pretend to be, though I even fool myself sometimes.

I'm needy. I'm self absorbed. I'm uncertain. I need reassurance and attention. I'm weak, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I can't really handle everything that I have to, but I go about my days with a smile and laughter. It's not a front, I am genuinely happy and I genuinely feel loved by my friends....but when I am alone or in a one-on-one setting with someone, my fragility comes out.

Recently, someone asked me if I was scared. In a moment of unbridled vulnerability, I replied, Yes.

That moment meant a lot to me because the person questioning me was also scared. Shiny happy people laughing for the world, as we do, don't always share their brokenness...or even their ability to be broken...we usually "chin up" and  work on looking put together in hopes that pretending is believing and believing is truth. 

I'm drawn to broken people, I always thought it was cuz I wanted to fix them, comfort them, but I've finally figured out my draw, my connection, is all because I'm broken too.

I never knew.

So here I am, scared and someone knows I'm scared. My cracks are becoming more apparent. Yet, no one is there to help keep my pieces from crumbling. This sounds melodramatic for poetic and analogical reasons, so don't think that I'm about to have a breakdown, cuz I'm not. I just love the thought of someone being scared with me, but in my true fashion, I can't help but think this person isn't scared and doesn't care. 

My biggest weakness is trust, I either have too much or none. And I always have the wrong amount for the wrong people. 

I am terrified. For maybe the first time in my life, I am almost completely  exposed. So many things can happen to me. I can be so hurt. So hurt.

Am I a masochist because I kind of want to be hurt? I want to know that I cared enough to really feel something. 

Right now, I want to turn my back and run away, that would be the easiest and most intelligent thing to do. It would avoid possible uncomfortable moments, possible disappointment, possible embarrassment, possible pain.....

But it would also remove the chance for possible happiness and even an opportunity to learn. 

I am almost positive that I am going to be hurt. 

Is it reckless that I choose to proceed?   

Or just hopeful? 

Everyone around, love them, love them

Put it in your hands, take it, take it

There's no time to cry, happy, happy

Put it in your heart

Where tomorrow shines

Gold and silver shine