It's 1:30am, I'm exhausted.
This blog may be filled with typos, forgive me, I just need to get this off of my chest.
I just spent the last hour and a half venting more about non-romantic topics than I have in years.
So I decided it would be a good time to pour my heart out into a blog. I did indeed create this blog to highlight my experiences since moving to Texas. Also, I just read a celebrity blog that was so honest that it gave me courage to honest about my current unhappy state in this state (see what I did there?). Thanks to Patrick Stump for the courage to publicly vent about my livelyhood. (again, check out his album Soul Punk)
I'll go backwards...
I arrived home around 11:30 after a 3 hour opera practice of which I was never used; I'm a principal. I've been in many shows and have had my absolute fill of chorus times (not knocking it, those were grand learning experience and some of the most memorable moments of my life). As a chorus member I have grown used to my time being wasted as the director works with the principals. This entire experience has been the reverse. My character has so much to say and sing and so much emotion to portray, yet I have barely had any staging time with the director. If tonight was the only time I was called yet barely used, I wouldn't be as upset as I am, but it happens almost every rehearsal. There's a schedule telling us what pages we are doing, but when we get to rehearsal it's either changed or done in a different order. Sometimes, changing the order means I get to sit there for hours doing absolutely nothing. I have used this time to run lines, but I have other classes and music that needs to be practiced. That's about all I'm going to say in reference to opera rehearsals. They are late and waste my time. I would drop out but I am immensely excited about my role. My character is extremely interesting, caring and flawed. She pushes my acting and use of emotional inflections in song. She is exactly what I need to be working on at this point in my life. She's challenging but I still relate to her sadness and loving nature.
I've been sick for 3 weeks. I don't mean some upper respiratory problems or a cold. I mean I was physically unable to get out of bed. But get out of bed I did and I cried everyday. While showering, while walking to the bus, on the bus, and while grocery shopping at Walmart, I cried. This of course is seen in my school work. I am now behind in everything. Everyday I'm working on catching up, but my singing has suffered. My voice sounds as tired as I feel. My vocal stamina has decreased. My motivation is somewhat non-existent yet crucial to get through anything. I'm sure this leads me to the following doubts an regrets I am facing.
I don't know why I'm here. I've always been touchy about working on a second masters, I already have one in almost the exact area. But I got over it a little by the end of last semester. This semester I'm taking 2 pedagogy classes, one vocal, one theory. While the music theory class is fascinating, eye opening, and fun at times, it is sooooo much work. To top it off, we have to teach. I hate teaching. Always have. I don't want to teach. Never have. Yet I find my field of study is PEDAGOGY. I would infact love to teach privately or have a studio on the collegiate level, but both of my classes are CLASSROOM based. I am miserable everytime I have to use my colleagues to "teach" concepts we all know. I am never more self-conscious than when I am doing a teaching demo for my colleagues. Blah blah blah safe environment. They are all opinionated and some are just pig headed about it. I feel I am a fairly confident person, I'm a realist, but confident. I know I can sing, I know I am an above average singer. I also am well aware that being an above average singer basically means I am your run of the mill soprano. I have accepted this, and thinking I will not get the performance career I yearn to have doesn't make me without confidence, it makes me accept rejection with poise. Weakness is what I feel when teaching. I HATE feeling weak. I only have 3 classes and I dread going to 2 of them. This realization has made me quite miserable. Toping that off with my craptastic opera rehearsal schedule brings to that question "Why am I here?".
I'm not a quitter, I'm too proud and stubborn by nature to be a quitter. Yet, everyday the thought to drop out of school is nagging at me. I did't move 500 miles away from home to a state I've had an irrational hatred for my entire life to just accept defeat. But I am miserable, I haven't been in this bad of a mind frame since the week of my 25th birthday while trying desperately to pass the shankerian analysis portion of my comprehensive exams.
...it's late, I'm loosing my train of thought...
The gist: I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Maybe I should just be auditioning. UTSA seemed so wonderful when I first got here, but it has just as many problems as anywhere else. I'm a big fish in a medium sized pond and yet I still can't find happiness.
Conclusion: I might benefit from a therapist. But for now, you guys are my therapy. I know I don't have many readers but just knowing this is a public blog makes me feel like I'm being open for the world to see.
It is now 3am. Goodnight
No comments:
Post a Comment