When I started this project, I didn't want it to be something else that I just "gave up" on. Unfortunately, It seems that I have indeed been neglecting my blog.
Honestly, I am quite busy having to write tons of papers/projects and researching. If I don't have to be typing in front of a computer, I don't want to be. Another issue is that I am simply unhappy. I look through my facebook posts and see this person that I don't know. She is negative and bitter and one dimensional. I didn't want that depressed horrid person sneaking in and taking over my blog as well. I've always tried to be honest and my complete self on here. Not liking myself has made me turn away from the blog so I don't have to face myself. Even more than all of the aforementioned issues, I can't bring myself to be public about what is ailing me most. I've blogged about, put up links and petitions, but I can not get on here and say "I'm having a bad day because this is what is going on with my HS." You don't want to hear it and I don't want to share it, at least not as Madonna Gil.
When my life is encompassed by being perpetually behind in all of my school work, barely being able to get out of bed, depression, and pain, what is there for me to write about? And when is there time?
This week, I realized I can't take care of myself. As an independent person, the realization was harsh and lead to hours of tears. Tears and this horrible feeling of hopelessness. I can't seem to shake the hopelessness. And then one of the closest people in my life seems to have all kinds of issues with me, as if i didn't have enough issues with hating myself. I am so emotionally overwhelmed on top of my physical limitations, that mentally, I am spent. watching sitcoms is the only escape or moments when I smile and it's not fake.
I need support that I can't ask for from friends, it would be too draining on them. I've been sitting here for hours trying to get a plethora of school work completed but my mind doesn't work.
Sadly, no one can understand how the HS makes me feel. No one gets why it is so hard for me to focus and get work done. My work isn't even hard. I just can't do it.
And now I have wasted time on this post.
I need something to come and bring light back into my life, I'm holding on by a thread.
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