Musings whilst listening to Continuum

So in my attempt to blog more and inability to sleep like a normal person I've decided to start writing and see where it goes. 

I'm tired.

I have so many papers/projects to churn out. I have no exams. I'm not sure what is worse honestly. 

I've been behind all semester but I have 2 weeks left and everything in the world to do.

I'm need to have an opera memorized in a month.

I've looked at 2 pages of it.

I needed family so I went home for Thanksgiving. Then my aunt dies.

I get even more family time, all be it sad. Never thought we'd be a wedding & funeral family but here were are.

I spent all of an hour in the city and I was a cemetery...seems like my kinds hour in new orleans right? Not when you're holding you older cousin as she breaks down realizing it's all over. Or when you loud inconsiderate cousins don't stop  laughing like cackling witches like ypu asked them to while the greeving cousins are saying final prayers by their mother's tomb before they go home. 

Drove though lakeview, reminisced, picked up my favorite pizza, then headed to LaPlace where I would stay for the rest of my visit sitting alone doing homework in the dining room while my cousins work on fixing the last of Hurricane Issac's damage for their poor dad who lost the love of his life.

There was tons of laughter and great moments and family but all I wanted to do was come home and hide in my room when I didn't feel well.

I almost left only a day after arriving. 

Now all the kids have slowly left, returning to their homes and my poor uncle is alone. I miss my city, I miss my family.

More than anything, I miss being happy. I mean people love me and I'm pretty sure it's because I laugh and smile and seem genuinely kind and loving. I am as I was raised to love. 

But now days I'm bitter more than smiley. I'm reclusive and depressed.

I've lost one of the most special persons in my life and I don't have the energy to fix the relationship. Though I think about him everyday and want to text him everyday. Just as usual but I used to think he'd get tired of hearing about my medical problems. Turns out he was really just sick of me in general. I understand. No one can be more sick of me or hate me more than myself.

Another friend who had become my rock and smile factory has barely spoken to or contacted me in two weeks.

And now i feel used & disgaurded by another friend.

And unwanted by yet another friend. 

Oh and yet another friend got married on saturday and asked me to sing months ago but everytime i asked her what se wanted me to sing she never responded. I texted & fb messaged and I know he read fb and ignored me. WTH?

I have other people who love and care for me and I know that. But being hurt is hard and a relatively new problem for me. As I said, people love me.

I hate my job because I want to punch school teachers who don't pay attention to what I say then blame me for not telling them things.

I'm in a rut and thought I found something that would get me through the end of this semester but that fell through so I'll have to keep on trucking as I have all year.

Maybe 2013 will be my lucky year where I'll graduate, heal, and find a decent program. I can inly continue to pray for healing. If I stay the way I am, a career will not be an option. 

Life would loose a lot of meaning for me as I never feel quite as good doing any else but sining for an audience.

It's my drug....well that and pain pills.

I guess this is another bummer blog but I am a little bummed out right now.

I'm wide awake and it's 2:30.

I have class tomorrow, a ton of work to get done and an apartment to clean for a weeken visitor.

Maybe I can get a solid 5 hours.

I'll find my smile again.

I just need some time to breathe.