Now I was sitting waiting wishing That you believed in superstitions Then maybe you'd see the signs

I'm sitting in books-a-million to use their wi-fi and soak up the a/c. To my left there is a table full of people that appears to be a book club. After about 10 minutes, I realized that they all seemed to have some sort of mental handicap, mostly down syndrome. I instantly had the urge to go sit at their table. Then I remembered how I am always drawn to people with special needs. For a person like me who doesn't really like people, I find it strange that I want to make connections with people are hard hard to connect with. For 8 years I have toyed with the idea of music therapy. I have changed my mind back and forth to whether or not I wanted to study this. I went as far as taking abnormal psychology as a preparatory measure of avoiding prerequisites. Now, I am moving on to my next academic endeavor and it is still not MT. I've decided that I'm just lazy. There is no reason why I couldn't have applied to Loyola for MMT along with the 8 other programs. I applied for a doctoral program I wasn't ready for as well as a masters program in a city I didn't want to move to, yet I didn't apply to a school I love, in a city I love, to a program I've considered for years. That equals lazy or scared; maybe I'm a bit of both. I want to be their friend. I want to win their trust. I guess I'm drawn to them because I have trust issues with the average person. These people wear their feelings on their sleeve. They tell you exactly what they are thinking, their affection is genuine, and you would never know how bad they have it in life because having life is enough for them. Maybe I'm a bit jealous. Society doesn't expect much from them so when they accomplish anything, its a great thing. Talking to or watching the interactions of  a mentally challenged individual always (I can't help but sound a bit cliche) tugs at my heart. I get teary or feel things in the pit of my stomach.

I've always felt that I was "called" to do something. I considered the religious life for a while but never shared that with anyone until my 4th year in college when a close friend expressed similar interests. I signed up on this vocation website to help me find an order that would suit me. I had phone calls and meetings with a couple of sisters and even filled out an application to do a year of service as a lay person under the sisters of charity in St. Louis Missouri. She was really recruiting me, and I know she would have chosen me if I continued the process. Instead I started my MM. My excuses for not joining a religious community are varied. I'm too vain, I'm too materialistic, I too lush, I don't pray enough, too much of  hopeless romantic, I don't trust enough. But my main reason was music. What would my service be? I can not play any instrument. I don't want to teach. So i continue to push that thought away. But I realized a sister who was an MT would have many service opportunities. So am I pushing my correct path away because I am too lazy to follow through with it and too in love with the idea of being in love. I don't know, I feel like I'm too much of a crappy person to be in the religious life, even though i know a TON of really ugly evil people who claim to live the religious life. I can't be like that, I'm not a hypocrite. Anyway, for now I'm going to study ped and push my strong affections for the mentally challenged to the back burner. Maybe more will be revealed in time.