Shiny happy people holding hands

I'm not as strong as my friends think I am. In fact, I'm not as strong as I pretend to be, though I even fool myself sometimes.

I'm needy. I'm self absorbed. I'm uncertain. I need reassurance and attention. I'm weak, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I can't really handle everything that I have to, but I go about my days with a smile and laughter. It's not a front, I am genuinely happy and I genuinely feel loved by my friends....but when I am alone or in a one-on-one setting with someone, my fragility comes out.

Recently, someone asked me if I was scared. In a moment of unbridled vulnerability, I replied, Yes.

That moment meant a lot to me because the person questioning me was also scared. Shiny happy people laughing for the world, as we do, don't always share their brokenness...or even their ability to be broken...we usually "chin up" and  work on looking put together in hopes that pretending is believing and believing is truth. 

I'm drawn to broken people, I always thought it was cuz I wanted to fix them, comfort them, but I've finally figured out my draw, my connection, is all because I'm broken too.

I never knew.

So here I am, scared and someone knows I'm scared. My cracks are becoming more apparent. Yet, no one is there to help keep my pieces from crumbling. This sounds melodramatic for poetic and analogical reasons, so don't think that I'm about to have a breakdown, cuz I'm not. I just love the thought of someone being scared with me, but in my true fashion, I can't help but think this person isn't scared and doesn't care. 

My biggest weakness is trust, I either have too much or none. And I always have the wrong amount for the wrong people. 

I am terrified. For maybe the first time in my life, I am almost completely  exposed. So many things can happen to me. I can be so hurt. So hurt.

Am I a masochist because I kind of want to be hurt? I want to know that I cared enough to really feel something. 

Right now, I want to turn my back and run away, that would be the easiest and most intelligent thing to do. It would avoid possible uncomfortable moments, possible disappointment, possible embarrassment, possible pain.....

But it would also remove the chance for possible happiness and even an opportunity to learn. 

I am almost positive that I am going to be hurt. 

Is it reckless that I choose to proceed?   

Or just hopeful? 

Everyone around, love them, love them

Put it in your hands, take it, take it

There's no time to cry, happy, happy

Put it in your heart

Where tomorrow shines

Gold and silver shine