Someday

Wow...another blog...guess I have things to say...Though that's not always a good thing :-/

So I just had a great conversation with one of my newest friends. We met at school and turns out we have a ridiculous amount of things in common. Habits, hobbies, preferences, faith. The last one is probably the most important aspect of our friendship.
I don't know where to start.
We went to this meeting tonight for a company that helps you become an independent business. She is drawn to these people because of how kind and positive and uplifting they are.
I found them nauseating.
Since when is happiness a bad thing?
Apparently since I've become a cynical, jaded, hanging on to my faith and morals by a thread kind of person.
Let's back up and discover how exactly I, a cheerful, encouraging, loving, giving, faith-filled person turned into this awful Mrs. Hyde.
So I went through this little storm called Katrina...
Nope that wasn't the cause. If anything I was happier after Katrina. No, I was definitely happier after Katrina. I mean I was depressed and missed my life for about a year but honestly, with the exception of my amazing job in NOLA and acceptance into the only school I wanted to go to, my life became better in Monroe. The people I met in Monroe were life changing. I became the person that I am...well the person I was previous to now...today through my friendships, experiences and acquaintances formed in Monroe.
I got along better with my dad because of Monroe, Katrina probably saved our relationship, seriously.
My point being, If I could become better after such a traumatic life shattering event, why am I such a shitty person right now?

I can't pinpoint when it started.
I mainly blame my move, which is when I began this blog.
I'll get back to this...

My friend and i got on the topic of demons, evil spirits.
I know most people think this kind of talk is crazy, but I believe that the devil is quite present in our lives, I know Melissa agrees with me, look at those poor children who just lost their lives...if that's not the work of Satan that I don't want to exist anymore.
I believe people can be plagued by evil spirits, just as much as I believe people can be saved and guarded by angels. Like the devil and the angel on the shoulders in cartoons...that's more than a conscience thing, that's lightness and darkness fighting for your soul.
I know I probably am gonna come off sounding crazy to most people, but we talked in the parking lot of my complex for an hour tonight. It was a talk that we both probably needed to have. We both feel the darkness in our lives and we both are having trouble fighting it...her upper hand is that she has a husband by her side who is fighting the darkness too. I am blessed to have this couple as friends. I feel the darkness would have taken me over by now without them.

I have been such a faith-filled person my entire life. I was raised in the church, I never questioned God's love for me. I saw it in my parents, in my family, I trusted blindly.
The thing about faith is, it's not really a personal thing. It's meant to be shared, not bottled up inside and fed in secret. I have always been a very private person, not ashamed of my faith, but touchy about my religion. I know religion, faith, spirituality are all different things. But, I LOVE my religion. I find it  beautiful, mysterious and difficult to follow in this world, in our culture. Faith is not supposed to be easy, being Christlike is not supposed to be easy. However, so many people have issues with the Catholic church...some rightly so, it is run by humans and while there may be divine inspirations, we are still humans and unable to achieve perfection. So i try not to discuss my "religion," I try to accept everyone's beliefs, even people's unbelief. This was all fine and dandy when I lived with my prayer filled parents and had an amazing support system of congregation members and priests at my church.
Being alone here in Texas has turned my acceptance of people into passiveness. I have become less offended my irreverence and more ready to accept and engage in the behavior.

I go to mass every Sunday, even when I have sung multiple services for a different religion, I attend mass.
I have actually never missed a Sunday mass or holy day in my life.
THIS MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
The priest last Sunday asked us if we were truly present. Well duh, I'm here listening to you....
Then he asked if we remembered the 1st scripture reading
Were we changed by the word of God?
....or were we scheming....
I may not have been scheming on that particular day, but my mind was definitely elsewhere.
Along with the loneliness and lack of support that the spirits are taking advantage of, comes my health issues.
I claim to not be angry with God, but I must be somewhat disappointed. I 'm freaking miserable on a daily basis and unable to enjoy or perform the most simple tasks. Not to mention it is ruing my attempts to begin a career. (on a side note, i have prayed about my career choice/path in life for many years, I carried around the  psalm verse "Show me the path where I should walk, O Lord; point out the right road for me to follow" and after Katrina I stopped planning my life and went and did whatever I thought God wanted for me, henceforth I do believe I am where he wants me, I believe he led me here and now I believe I am being tested and failing)
So I either pray continually or don't pray at all. After my hospital stays this summer i had a moment where I really felt Jesus present with me in prayer, I blogged about it here. After that, however, I began to slip away again, even worse than before. Doing my Jesus book studies are hard, I no longer keep a prayer journal, I didn't put my advent wreath up, I stopped praying before bed, I don't visit confession, and I gave up on my therapy sessions.

I have never been hurt the way I have been hurt since I have lived here. I thought I was given an amazing friend, someone who would be a spiritual rock for me. Unfortunately that person has only brought me pain and I should have spent my time and energy getting to know and relying on the friend with whom I spoke about today. This person isn't evil, but is probably plagued with evil spirits as well. I know somewhere deep inside there is a good person...it's unfortunately covered with fake zeal and lies. Yet I am still drawn to this person who has seriously helped me through rough patches but is overall toxic to my well being.

So we have, loneliness, lies, poor health, and apathy...I am a sitting duck for the darkness.

Another topic discussed in the car tonight...
I have felt the need for a spiritual renewal long before I moved to Texas but I refused to attend ACTS retreats. They seemed cultish and weird to me. I shared this opinion with my parents and an agnostic friend who's mother was completely absorbed by ACTS. She tried to get me to go as well as other church folk, both me and my mom declined. The agnostic friend was also adamantly against this. He and I were pretty good friends, work colleges with similar upbringing and partners in a sometimes hostile environment. I regularly prayed for him to return to his faith because he seemed like he had such a good heart. We by no means kept in touch regularly after we both left our job and I moved here 6 months later.
After a few months of being here, he calls me out of the blue. He tells me he finally gave in to an ACTS  retreat. He spoke to me for 10 minutes about how he was changed and the bonds he made with people and my goodness I think he began to go to church. Now, I hung out with him once after this and we had a fun night catching up, talking about life, and playing pool but we never discussed faith. So I have no clue if this renewal stuck and I have no clue if he now considers himself Christian or Agnostic...He has also moved and we are even more out of touch. I have wanted to try ACTS since this happened, and the program originated in the city I currently live in (coincidence?), it has been over a year and I have yet to sign up. My point: this retreat HAS to be a good thing, the friend I spoke with today had the same objections as me. Then I realized we were being influenced and kept away from something that might very well improve our quality of life. I told her we HAVE to go on the next one. Maybe you have to be ready for it, maybe you have to be spiritually raw and in dire need for it in order for it to work on you. I don't know but I am ready.
I think...

I still have this desire in the back of my mind telling me to have fun, live a little, enjoy yourself now, you can repent later, God is forgiving. And it is hella hard to be a musician and remain righteous.
But we know not the time of our savior's second coming.
We are told to be ready
What if rapture was indeed on Friday?
Would I stand among the sheep or the goats?

A friend of mine mentioned he had been reading about Lot and how stupid the wife was to turn around.
I feel like I am the wife, or turning into her.
Why can't I just look forward with blind faith and let the world crash down behind me?
Why am I so ready to throw my years of being a decent Christian away?
My friend an I needed tonight's random chat. At least I did.
I shouldn't be disgusted by happy positive people, I should be empowered by them whether I'm a bubbly people person or not.

I have a skype date tomorrow with a friend I lovingly refer to as "my person"
We will discuss a chapter in Timothy Keller's King's Cross titled "The Healing"
This chapter really hits home and this is probably why I haven't been able to make myself discuss it with her.
Months have passed, time to buck up.

I feel no better after writing this blog.
Maybe Someday...