I used to like to walk the straight and narrow line, I used to think that everything was fine

Growing up, i never had many friends.
I blame my overprotective parents, obesity, poverty, and bad neighborhood.
I blame these things because as a toddler, I was not shy. Even early on in grade school I was talkative and opinionated and frankly, kinda bad. I used to get bad marks in conduct cuz I wouldn't shut up. I was sure of myself and brave. I took dance at age 5 and shimmied with all the other skinny bitches. That same summer, I wrote a love letter out of construction paper to my dance teacher's son who had to be somewhere between 10 - 13. And I gave it to him. I don't know when this changed, and when I became plagued with so many insecurities. I don't know when I became that shy loner girl. I've never been that person on the inside. Singing and theater have always been the exception to this quiet girl thing.Somehow I turned into a straight laced quiet boring fat girl. Maybe it was due to my parents discipline  Maybe it was all for the better in the long run. You can't change the past and there's no use dwelling on it. In fact, I'm not quite sure why I even bring it up except to say that I always kept a diary. I kept a diary because I didn't have any friends to talk to and i didn't feel like I could talk to my mom about the things I wrote. I still have a diary, now i call it a journal. It is a beautiful soft leather bound book that cost me $25 at barnes and noble.
That was a lot  of money when i purchased it.
I used to write in it regularly, and when everything started to get digital, I printed out my livejournal and glued them in the book.
Journals are not very useful once you have great friends.
I began this blog because I used to write.
I wrote stories, prose, mainly poetry.
I missed writing.
Also, I used to write a lot on my myspace page.
The difference? I made this completely public. And although no one reads it, not even my friends, anyone could. It forces me to be truthful and I have tried very hard to be open.
I have tried very hard to not be the shy inner thinking person I come off as.
One of my best friends keeps a blog on here and she is so eloquent, reading her simple stories are trials are like reading from a best selling author.
I blogs began clever, and kinda funny if you knew me well enough to get my sense of humor.
Since then, it has evolved into a flow of conscience. maybe I know what i want to blog about but I take it where ever my thoughts wander. I guess this brings me to my current topic. Something I can not bring myself to elaborate on but something that is bothering me and I find that the only person who I would feel completely comfortable speaking to is currently no longer my friend.
James, if you happen to read this, I miss you EVERY day. This year has been so hard for me to deal with, I'm positive you got me through most of it. I often told you that I felt so bad for dumping on you, but you never seemed to mind. You would be fussing and laughing at me right now and maybe a little disappointed in me but you would understand and make it all better.
So instead i turn to journaling, new age journaling, my barely read public blog.

When something happens or a person upsets me or a situation I can not control occurs, I try to be positive and get over it or forgive...basically I like to move on. I am fairly good at this and henceforth have tons of acquaintances that I get along with very well. I seem welcome everywhere I go whether my loner complex is comfortable or not. But something is bothering me. I pretended, or honestly i thought I was cool but it hid under my skin for a while before I realized it was constantly nagging on my mind.
I can't let it go because it confuses me, it aggravates me, it hurts me and it pisses me off.
It is also all very stupid, which is the worst part. Now, all i want to do is lay down the facts, the evidence, the proof, point them out and say WHAT THE HELL? But that's not gonna happen. It can't happen.
I suppose I could share with a friend, but I don't want to. And bringing it to the source would be useless and frankly quite imbecilic. It is seriously not worth the annoyance that it is giving me. But then sometimes I wonder if it really is worth it. Sometimes, rarely, I think it is irking me for a reason. But when I get my senses back I know the real reason I am so annoyed is "the unknown." The unknown can sometimes kill you if you try to make it known. I had the answer, or some answer right there, i was just waiting, but then I dismissed it. It's like the crystal ball was getting all cloudy and about to focus into a picture and i threw it on the ground breaking it into a hundred little puzzle pieces never to be put back together. And even though I said this is all stupid, it tunnels to another area of distress in my life that I rarely share. If these things weren't connected in an awful way I'm sure i could let my disappointment/annoyance/confusion/sadness go.
Worst of all, I know how simple it is to be freed from this all, yet I won't let go.

So since I went back to my original lyric themed titles, I'll add the Youtube Link link that goes along with the song.