Patience is a Virtue

Welcome to The beginning of year #4 and blog #71. If you are a frequent reader, thank you for sharing my journey of ups and downs. And thank you for your prayers that I am sure accompanied me these three years.
                                                So, let's begin.

Wait for it.....


                        ok, ready?



                                                  Almost there......




                                                                                             just be....




                                                      PATIENT 



Every aspect of my  life currently requires me to be patient.
I'm waiting for some treatment to work.
I'm waiting for an appropriate job opportunity.
I'm waiting for good days to allow me to accomplish something.
I'm waiting for this weird thing on my leg to heal.
I'm waiting for the depression and loneliness to cease and desist.
I'm waiting for someone to get something important resolved.
I'm waiting for someone I love to find joy again.
I'm waiting for someone I love to find a love of self.
I'm waiting for someone I love to make an important life changing journey.
I'm waiting for someone I love to journey into parenthood.
I'm waiting for someone I love to remember our constant happiness.
I'm waiting for someone I love to come back to me.
I'm waiting for someone I love to find God again.
I'm waiting for affection.
I'm waiting to find my career path.
I'm waiting to become a wife.
I'm waiting to become a mother.
I'm waiting to feel like I've started living my life.
I'm waiting for the release of death.

I suppose everyone is always waiting. It is what we do as human beings. Unfortunately society has resisted waiting so much that everything is about instant gratification. With the births of instant grits and instant cameras came the era of instant sharing on social networks. I am a user of these things and am therefore also a victim of impatience. The longer I have to wait for things, the more I try to take things into my own hands. Because if I think I'm controlling everything then I'm less focused on waiting. The only problem that I've discovered besides the fact that I can't solve my problems on my own, is that the waiting is what it's all about.

Psalm 27 and Psalm 130 are just two examples of pleading and waiting for God. Moreover, they are examples of trusting that the wait will be well worth it.
Usually my hardest challenge is waiting for my health to improve, but lately, I've been waiting for someone to heal and dealing with the alone time I've been left with because of it. It is brutal. It is also teaching me things, though I don't pick the lessons up easily. I maybe have come to the realization that I have been filling in the emptiness with everything but God. I thought it was God, but as soon as I was left with tons of free time alone at home, this vast emptiness fell over me and engulfed me. It's like a scene from a movie where the flying bugs are so thick they form a cloud of darkness blocking out all light. It's the debris and rubble the takes over during a demolishing and when it finally clears, the building is no more. I feel like I am no more.

A few days ago, I picked up this little book from a friend, The Path of Waiting by Henri Nouwen. Every page makes so much sense and brings me so much comfort, but when I put the book down and realized I caught the wrong bus, I was thrown back into despair. And I'm not being figurative, I literally was on the wrong bus and wasted an hour, throwing off my entire day which climaxed with me getting rained on.Funny how when I reach out and try to heal myself, I get pulled further back. Not funny, it's the laws of nature, I step into the light and the darkness grabs be back. Now if only i could get my foothold in the light instead of in the darkness.

Besides impatience, I am plagued with uncertainty. The only reason I am impatience for most things is because I am uncertain. I supposed my uncertainty stems from lack of trust, because if I truly trusted, I would be patient. And hence we have come full circle and found the cause of my previous blog.
So since it is so hard to wait and trust that my wishes will come true, I will turn to hope.
Nouwen says:
"Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises and not just according to our wishes."

God has promised us all great things. Let us wait in the Lord, filled with hope.

I'm so lonesome I could cry

The blank television fills the room with a soft glow
The warm and fuzzy four legged companion makes himself at home on the sofa
Schubert plays quietly in the background, just audible over the hum of the air conditioning
I can still hear the doves cooing down the chimney before they bed for the night
I wait and think and hope for this tranquil scene to appeal to me.
I long for these quiet nights to bring me peace once more.

When I began this blog, I believe I spent a lot of time alone. And I also craved my alone times.
Whatever has taken over my life these past three years, has also made me into a very needy person.
I crave company. Even if the person is silent, their body in the room, their physical presence brings me comfort. My roommate is currently out of town in the African bush, my boyfriend is out of town at a convention, and my mother just left to go back to Louisiana today. I haven't been alone in weeks. I should be happy that I have some peace and quiet, yet all I do is try to find things to keep my occupied. This would be easy if my wii wasn't acting up and making it difficult for me to stream netflix and hulu. Also, I have this weird thing where I hate watching movies alone. I could read. I even bring a book around wherever I choose to sit, but I never open it. I feel like singing, or painting. but my jaw is killing me cuz I've been grinding my teeth at night and I'm supposed to be keeping my leg elevated. I feel like my muscles are atrophying over night. I'm not sure how much longer I had to be on this kind of rest but I'm going a little batty. You see, the thing is, I will have a thought and it would be nice to share the thought with someone. But no one is here, my bf barely texts me during the day so I try not to text him, it's not profound enough to waste my fb limit on, my SA friends rarely reply to my texts lately, and my other friends...I just chose not to bother.
So here I am, deciding to blog. I have nothing interesting to blog about though.
These woe is me sessions must get exhausting to read. I mean, I assume "you" that someone out there is cyber world is reading these pages. I know my friends don't really read...besides dearest Melissa, who gets me through hard times by reminding me that all I need is the love and company of God. He is enough.
I know He is, and I used to be comforted with that thought. But I am a touchy person, and sometimes I just need a hug.
ok this blog feels pointless and is putting me to sleep.
I need a new topic to write about before I return here.

Yesterday was a great Easter Sunday

Lent has come and gone. And like most things in my life, i failed, yet again. I began the first two weeks with sufficient alone time and trips to adoration. I was reading a guided devotional to help with my lenten journey. I really enjoyed the writing and the questions it made me ask myself. And then i just "got too busy." How do I consistently get too busy for God? I'm hurting, I have to move, I'm too exhausted, i haven't been able to sit alone, i have an injury on my leg, I have an appointment, I have all this music to learn, I have to work, I have to nap, I have to cook, I have to clean....the list is eternal yet none of the excuses should be so powerful as to come before prayer. But everyday they do. So now, Easter has arrived and instead of feeling joy, I feel shame and failure. He died for me and I can't even set aside 10 minutes a day to address Him, thank him, offer my difficulties of  the day to him.
What is wrong with me? Where are my priorities? I just don't know what I do with the hours of my life. I feel like i wake up and wait for my meals and bed time. Only to repeat the cycle the next day.
And when work day comes, I search for reasons not to go. BUT WHY!?! It's not like I get anything done when I'm home. I'm not having a good day today, but I don't understand why. Nothing bad has happened and I've relaxed with my mom. But i haven't accomplished anything so therefore my day is ruined. And now, it's going to take me two hours to get to my friend's recital, so there goes the rest of my day. I must be going though a bad mental patch. I notice the constant unhappiness for no reason.
I have a new beautiful town home. My mom is visiting. I have my dog. I am able to pay my bills.
But I am not happy. It can't all be because I'm worried about one thing, can it?
Maybe it wasn't the best time to blog.
I come back when my head is more level.

Enjoy the silence

Good Friday is supposed to be a day of reflection. Well, in my continued self absorbed attitude, I reflected on myself by reading old blog entries. I started in June. I guess I was curious to read them in order, one after the other to see how my life/attitude/friends/health all changed. I blogged a lot this summer to take up my newly found free time. This fall, my blogging was back to once a month. Lately I've been wanting to blog, but I don't want to complain about my illness anymore. I want to write about how happy and how frustrated my boyfriend makes me but I don't want this to be my love life memoirs. So I just don't write.

But here we go, it's all I got.

I started visiting an acupuncturist. It's all very crunchy to me. But still worth a try. She told me I would probably not see results right away since I've been sick for so long and my body is probably blocking good energy from flowing. The tiny needles don't really hurt. Sometimes it caused an electric shooting pain but it fades almost immediately. And my second two visits allowed me to relax and sleep. 

She spoke to another practitioner who posted a study about an HS patient who made remarkable progress with oral & topical herbs. So next week, she should have something new for me to try. I'm very encouraged by this news and hope it will give me some relief.

But this habit is expensive :(  

I really want my bf to read my blog now, he's been banned from it and never even shown a blog. No one can say I don't learn from my pass...but now I'm ready for him to read my crazy. He already knows it intimately, but there's just  something about reading someone's intimate thoughts, it's raw and documented. But we are having problems right now. I love him more than I have ever loved another person romantically. And he tells me he loves me. But still we're going through a rough patch. Somedays, I want to give up on him. I feel like his workaholic nature is not just situational. I feel like it is him, and it will be like that no matter what. Then I put the cart before the horse and think of how horrible it would be for my kids to have a daddy that used all his time to work and was so exhausted when he came home that he ate dinner and fell sleep. And honestly, I won't have that. So my irrational mind wants to just break-up to save me on later heartache. But the thought of life without him at all is so bleak. So I moved on to thinking we needed a break. Time to ourselves where we could be selfish and not have to consider the other person's feelings. I supposed I feel like he already does this. Then I talk myself into it being a great idea because we don't share common interests besides loving each other. I remind myself of his favorite verse "love never fails" And whenever I'm ready to throw in the towel, he does something sweet or thoughtful and I retreat.

All those friends I spoke about this summer, they all disappeared. I never hear from them. So things are pretty lonely around here. I need to enjoy the silence. My roommate leaves for Africa on Monday. My mom leaves a week later. I guess after they're both gone, the only place I will go is work. And I'll be here alone everyday.

Sounds sad & pathetic don't it?

It is...

Tomorrow I will talk about lent 2014.

Insomnia and confusion and butterflies and love

It seems a distant memory
Though not so long ago
Your fire was impetuous & intoxicating
Yet sincere and unguarded
I was blissfully enraptured,
Requiring someone to pinch me awake.

I received my ill wish...
Quite suddenly the flames died and my eyes opened
I nursed the embers with my breath
But they ignored my efforts
I grasped the hot ashes just to feel something
Soon dark coldness engulfed me

My hands, though scarred and burned
Remain the only reminder of your soft and certain lips
The darkness, the antithesis of you bright curious eyes
The coldness, a drastic change from your warm embrace
I'm only soothed by your constant smile
Opposites consume my questioning mind

Compromise. Understanding. Confusion.
Do I want too much from you?
You ask for my patience
I simply ask for your kiss
This stalemate is as cold as marble chess pieces
And in this battle we both loose

Days really do go by...

Lots of thing happen very quickly yet more time passes than you realize.
In early February, I began selling Arbonne. Their moto is pure, safe, and beneficial. Their skin and body products stress the importance of botanicals. Their nutrition products are focused on all natural ingredients that are gluten free and vegan friendly. Two and a half weeks ago, after I went to bed the night of my first launch party, I woke up around 2am to noise being made by neighbors. Long story short, my apartment building was on fire. The next 3 hours were spent watching the units I share a wall with burn to nothingness. We were safe, the pup was safe, and we did not get flames.
However, the smoke damage was horrid. As my lease was up on the 28th and there were only 1 bedroom apts left in the complex, I was essentially homeless.
Xander and I stayed with my boyfriend for two weeks while I tried to find him a foster home and clear out my apartment.
Thankfully, I had insurance so I did not have to do everything, but it was stressful enough. I also just haven't been well lately. So I am in pain, have no energy, but I'm spending my days sorting through a soot filled apartment and riding around the city looking for a house.

I am tired.

Now I am staying with a friend, Xander is being cared for by a former school mate, and I still haven't had time to rest.

Today is Ash Wednesday
I would like to not complain but I haven't won that battle today.
To kick off my getting healthier and Lent, I began a 28 day cleanse. It's Arbonne's product. Nutritional protein shakes combined with "clean" foods will make up the rest of my month. I'm also going to start lifting with the bf. Hopefully, by february, I might start to feel a bit better.

I have thought a lot about what I want to give up for lent. I don't want to do the shallow junk food offering.
But I have decided this detox will be a part of my lenten sacrifice, because that way, I'll actually follow it. And after the 28 days, I'd like to continue a healthy food lifestyle.

My goals this lent include daily prayer, and keeping a list of 3 things I am thankful for everyday.
I will completely eradicate any cursing from my vocabulary.
I have deleted my fb app. Because I have a business and other commitments through this social site, I will however allow myself to use a computer to access it.
I don't currently have internet access so that isn't as easy as you think. The time i would have wasted staring at my phone, I hope to use in prayer.
I want to do a weekly Bible study with Francisco, though I doubt that will happen.
I would also like to attend adoration and stations of the cross once a week.
I think I could do one more thing without being overwhelmed but for now, these are my plans.
So wish me well, I love Lent.
It's time to get back to the basics and start from scratch. Time to remake ourselves.

What will you be doing or giving up for Lent?

Overdue musings

I'm laying on my sofa here, scrolling through fb while my four-legged buddy nuzzles up close to me. It's a chilly day outside and my first day to sleep in since last Wednesday. It came to mind, that I don't really blog as much as I used to. So I started to think back and figure out why. I have more time now than I've had in 3 years so I know I'm not too busy. Therefore, it can only be one thing, I'm boring. Nothing much is happening in my life right now. Every day is much like the one before...and I have no problem with that. I rarely see the large group of people I used to call my friends. They've even stopped inviting me to things. This past weekend was a big one, I went to the opera, then for late night tacos, then on sunday watched the superbowl at a friends house. Yeah, by monday I was exhausted. Sounds kind of sad, especially when i think back on how filled my every day used to be. I know I would never be able to handle it again. That realization has slowly been creeping in. The realizations that I like being boring, I like having only small options on my plate, I like not being pulled in 5 directions.....kind if scare me because it seems so foreign to who I am, who I have been. 

I'm been thinking about different careers. It is sealed in fate that I hate teaching high school kids voice lessons. But now I'm wondering if teaching younger kids  or even HS kinds in a classroom setting is something I could do. The subject would most definitely not be music, and I could never be a choir director. So lately, I've been tossing the idea of being a religion teacher around. But I'm not sure if the expense and stress of more school is in my future. I really need to get this debt in check, and I am trying. I also am not done with music, I'm just trying to figure out a way to make the preverbal ends meet.

I always ask God for signs and one of my favorite verses is my prayer to God for guidance...Psalm 25: 4-5. I recently made a picture of this and hung it in my apartment as a daily reminder that my path, my way in the world, is not all about ME ME ME, and that I have to trust that the direction and guidance of God is what will lead me to the right place. 

So when extra jobs seem too hard to get and keep and current jobs shrink up, I try to open up my mind. What am I supposed to be doing. Or what will God help me with right now in order to achieve what he wants. But I don't dwell, just open up my mind. This thinking has lead me to a work at home business option. There are tons of network marketing companies out there and on top of that Avon, mary k, sentsy, tupperware...ect. You never think it will change your life and usually you feel like you'll fail or only support your habit. However, I have decided to sell Arbonne. The people doing well are real people. A girl I went to High School with has 2 former roommates who are using Arbonne as their income. Everything about it seemed to be Christian and I soon learned that the higher ups in my line were all Enthusiastic Christ followers. With prayer being thrown around constantly, I feel like no bad can come from it. As long as I believe that God is gonna help me through these financial difficulties and work hard and not be lazy, I think I can do this. 

I'm motivated and excited and scared to death all at the same time. But I will contacting people today. I am ready. Please pray for me.