Enjoy the silence

Good Friday is supposed to be a day of reflection. Well, in my continued self absorbed attitude, I reflected on myself by reading old blog entries. I started in June. I guess I was curious to read them in order, one after the other to see how my life/attitude/friends/health all changed. I blogged a lot this summer to take up my newly found free time. This fall, my blogging was back to once a month. Lately I've been wanting to blog, but I don't want to complain about my illness anymore. I want to write about how happy and how frustrated my boyfriend makes me but I don't want this to be my love life memoirs. So I just don't write.

But here we go, it's all I got.

I started visiting an acupuncturist. It's all very crunchy to me. But still worth a try. She told me I would probably not see results right away since I've been sick for so long and my body is probably blocking good energy from flowing. The tiny needles don't really hurt. Sometimes it caused an electric shooting pain but it fades almost immediately. And my second two visits allowed me to relax and sleep. 

She spoke to another practitioner who posted a study about an HS patient who made remarkable progress with oral & topical herbs. So next week, she should have something new for me to try. I'm very encouraged by this news and hope it will give me some relief.

But this habit is expensive :(  

I really want my bf to read my blog now, he's been banned from it and never even shown a blog. No one can say I don't learn from my pass...but now I'm ready for him to read my crazy. He already knows it intimately, but there's just  something about reading someone's intimate thoughts, it's raw and documented. But we are having problems right now. I love him more than I have ever loved another person romantically. And he tells me he loves me. But still we're going through a rough patch. Somedays, I want to give up on him. I feel like his workaholic nature is not just situational. I feel like it is him, and it will be like that no matter what. Then I put the cart before the horse and think of how horrible it would be for my kids to have a daddy that used all his time to work and was so exhausted when he came home that he ate dinner and fell sleep. And honestly, I won't have that. So my irrational mind wants to just break-up to save me on later heartache. But the thought of life without him at all is so bleak. So I moved on to thinking we needed a break. Time to ourselves where we could be selfish and not have to consider the other person's feelings. I supposed I feel like he already does this. Then I talk myself into it being a great idea because we don't share common interests besides loving each other. I remind myself of his favorite verse "love never fails" And whenever I'm ready to throw in the towel, he does something sweet or thoughtful and I retreat.

All those friends I spoke about this summer, they all disappeared. I never hear from them. So things are pretty lonely around here. I need to enjoy the silence. My roommate leaves for Africa on Monday. My mom leaves a week later. I guess after they're both gone, the only place I will go is work. And I'll be here alone everyday.

Sounds sad & pathetic don't it?

It is...

Tomorrow I will talk about lent 2014.