Gotta Keep Ya Head Up...

If you haven't noticed from my blog titles, I give myself theme songs for every situation. Sometimes they are stupid sappy loves songs for when I'm feeling neglected, lonely or wronged. Sometimes their sentimental and nostalgic for when I'm feeling loved and missing people. Sometimes, they are ridiculously happy positive songs, usually by Jason Mraz, reminding me that I am blessed and should be grateful and share the love. Lately, I've come to adopt Andy Grammer's Keep Your Head Up.

So, I've been living in Texas for about 5 weeks and I have already left twice. Each time I leave, coming back is even harder. I don't hate it. In fact, I am extremely happy at school. I'm content with my apartment. I have no issues with my roommate. For some reason, I still get plagued by melancholy. It always attacks me out of the blue. Usually in the morning or at night, basically whenever I am alone. This bothers me, you see, because I have always enjoyed my alone time. Currently, I spend my alone time wishing it would hurry up and end.

Whats going on:
I am playing the role of "mother"  in a new children's opera based on Texas history called Navarro. It was commissioned by the opera guild and will be toured around the elementary schools in January and May. The opera makes its premiere one week from tomorrow. Its been a year since my last show so I am enjoying the process. Rehearsals have been pretty easy going. Staging went fast and with every run it gets tighter.
I am learning a lot of really nice music for my recital next year. Many of these pieces/composers are overlooked but are stunning. So here we are, I've only had 3 voice lessons and I'm already pumped about my recital that's 2 years from now.
My Music Theory class is delightful. Seriously, delightful. My teacher is quite amusing and makes me actually feel like I can get through this class without stress. No offense to any of my former theory teachers, but until now, I have never had a pleasant experience in theory class.
I am still bitter about having to take Vocal Ped again, however, my teacher makes me forget that bitterness, most of the time. He too uses a different approach to teaching ped. I will get something different from this class and when combining it with the knowledge I already have,  I feel like I will be one step closer to being a competent voice teacher.
Sadly, we are not doing a fully staged opera this semester, instead, we are doing opera scenes with orchestra. But, they're not full scenes in my opinion. However, I am really excited about the part that I was given. In fact, I'm more excited that they think I am capable of playing this full role one day than the miniature section I will actually be singing. I had a coaching today on my aria and a little recit, and it was great. She pulled amazing things out of me and her words were so encouraging. She is the first person who has truly made me feel like I am on the right track. I left feeling more confident in my abilities than ever before.
I am very happy to be here. People are finally noticing me and giving me a chance. It's a new experience for me. I'm not as scared about the future and my career choice as I have been in the past. I know I am gaining the knowledge to become a good teacher and practicing the skills I need to be a good performer.

At least that's how I try to feel most of the time.
I have my insecure days, my random sad moments when I think everyone dislikes me and I actually care.
I miss my friends, I miss being able to do things and not worry about money so much. I get really lonely and unhappy with my life. I focus on certain situations, character flaws, short comings, chronic issues, and uncertainties.
And then I wonder, how can i be so happy one minute and so sad the next.
This last thought is why Mr. Grammer's song is now my ringtone. It reminds me that things do suck, but if i try to brush it off I will come out unscathed and even improved. So as I go through my quasi bi-polar days, I try to remember this:

I've been waiting on the sunset
Bills on my mindset
I can't deny they're getting high
Higher than my income
My income's breadcrumbs
I've been trying to survive
The glow that the sun gives
Right around sunset
Helps me realize
This is just a journey
Drop your worries
You are gonna turn out fine.
Oh, you'll turn out fine.
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
You gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
I know it's hard, know it's hard,
To remember sometimes,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.

I've got my hands in my pockets,
Kickin' these rocks.
It's kinda hard to watch this life go by.
I'm buyin' in the skeptics,
Skeptics mess with,
The confidence in my eyes
I'm seeing all the angles,
Starts to get tangled
I start to compromise
My life and the purpose.
Is it all worth it,
Am I gonna turn out fine?

Oh, you'll turn out fine.
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
You gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
I know it's hard, know it's hard,
To remember sometimes,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.

Only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again.
It's a circle, circling,
Around again, it comes around again.
I say only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again.
It's a circle, circling,
Around again, it comes around

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.