Real Love is Not Afraid to Bleed

I'm a musician so clearly music moves me. I listen to all types of music. I believe that if something helps evoke an emotion then it is considered music...even simple and sometimes stupid pop songs. Did it make me happy? Or want to dance? The lyrics don't need to evoke emotion or be deep, if the beat makes you smile or boogie then music has been made.

I am hypocritical as well because for years I hated praise and worship music and contemporary Christian music.  The reason I hated it? Because it was actively trying to make me feel a certain emotion. 

Fast forward to present time. I still dislike most praise and worship music but I now listen to k-love and have a Christian itunes radio channel and playlist on my phone. 

I've been feeling a little down lately; my illnesses have been besting me.

So this morning, I took the advice of a friend, Martha Fernandez-Sardina, and did something that I liked. I listened to music. As my "Musical Medicine" playlist picked the soundtrack of my morning, I was half listening while texting with a friend. And ad I heard the words of a song I listened to dozens of times my body was overcome with emotion and tears flowed uncontrollably.

"Jesus take my yoke, take my everything, 

I've counted up the cost and You're worth everything"

He is worth everything.

Every pain

Every discomforting 

Every annoyance 

Every late day to work

Every experience. 

Bad and good.

Because he suffered and died so that I would live. So that the gates of paradise would be opened to me. So that he could spread upon me His Divine Mercy. 

"Because REAL love Is not afraid to bleed"

So nor should I be.

In my fragile human state, I constantly need to be reminded that my suffering is nothing compared to my Lord's. And that my suffering makes me human. Praise be that I can FEEL. The hot sun that makes me sweat. The brush of my furry four legged companion. Stubbing my toe. Sinus pressure. The breeze on a windy night. The cool water of a pool. The inner burning after heartbreak. 

My joint pains.

And the uncontrollable burst of tears that ran down my face this morning.

In my suffering. I am learning.

I'm learning how human I am and how much I need to rely on my God.

If He were to miraculously heal me today, I know I would give thanks...for a few weeks. Then what? Have I learned enough yet to not let my humanity interrupt my thankfulness and reliance on God?

Of course not.

If I had then I would be whole.

Or at least happy to be broken.

And friends, I am not there 100% of the time. But every morning I try again. I say my prayer of thanksgiving and drag myself out of bed.

Now, if only I could say my prayer of thanksgiving and jump out of bed.

And that is my small goal for the rest of this week.