Instead of crying, I decided to write what I was feeling

Last year around this time I was extremely sick. In constant pain, unable to move around as I would like, running fevers off and on. Giving myself weekly shots hoping the medicine would help when it actually made me sicker.

One friday during stations of the cross I started crying and couldn't stop. I felt so bad that day but still got up and caught the bus downtown to go to mass & stations. After it ended i called my mom and cried on the phone to her in front of the Alamo. She said she would fly down to be with me. 

Last year would have been my first Easter alone, but since my mom came, we were able to go to all the Holy Week services together, including a live walking stations of the cross and Easter Vigil at a beautiful basilica. Easter Vigil is my favorite Mass of the year. Everything is new, fresh, clean, beautiful. 

This year, I am not healed nor is my condition under control but I am so much better than last year. I still need the help of pain meds but not nearly as often. I am happier (well kind of), I just feel so much better. 

I can deal with it all, I can do my school work, I can smile with my friends.

But what did I do this Lent? Instead of praising my savior for answered prayers, I slap him in the face with my ungratefulness, sin, and laziness.

I am the worse person I have ever been. I dragged myself to stations and Mass every week last year, this year I can walk just fine but never put forth the extra effort to go. I didn't even do my daily prayer book. Not only have I done nothing to better my soul, I have sabotaged it as well. Here we are Palm Sunday, the beginning of the holiest of weeks, my  solemn time of year. What can I do?

I can't go to mass thursday because of my church job and I don't know if the busses will still be running after Easter Vigil. I have a choir gig on Good Friday. I need to fit in major memorization and prayer this week.

I don't know how I will do it, especially alone. Christians aren't meant to be alone. Fellowship and community is necessary. I found a new church, I think I like it. I hope I can meet people and find the support that I need to pull me out of sin and back into grace. Right now, sin is my support system and that needs to change.